For decades, the dominant explanation for why autistic people struggle in social interaction with neurotypical people was simple: autistic people lack empathy. They can't read social cues. They don't understand other people's perspectives. The difficulty is a deficit in them.
This explanation was always incomplete. And in 2012, researcher Damian Milton named why: the double empathy problem.
The difficulty in autistic-neurotypical interaction isn't one-sided. Both parties struggle to understand and empathize with each other. The difference is that historically, only one party — the autistic one — has been identified as the problem. The neurotypical person's equal difficulty reading autistic communication, expression, and intention was invisible, unremarked upon, and never framed as a deficit. It was treated as neutral.
Understanding the double empathy problem changes what we think autism is, what we think empathy is, and what it means to support autistic people in relationships.
The Old Framing and Why It Was Wrong
The "autism as empathy deficit" framing comes largely from early autism research — particularly Simon Baron-Cohen's theory of mind work in the 1980s, which proposed that autistic people lack the ability to understand that others have minds, intentions, and perspectives different from their own. This was labeled "mindblindness."
The theory was influential and shaped how autism was understood clinically and publicly for decades. It also led directly to a cluster of damaging conclusions: that autistic people couldn't form meaningful relationships, that they were fundamentally limited in their capacity for connection, and that the work of autism intervention was to teach autistic people to be more neurotypical so they could function in a world designed for others.
What the theory missed was the perspective of autistic people themselves — and what happened when autistic people interacted with each other.
"When autistic people interact with other autistic people, the social difficulties that define their interactions with neurotypical people largely disappear. Both parties understand each other's communication style, read each other's cues, and report high levels of rapport. This is not what you'd expect if the difficulty were a deficit located entirely within the autistic person."
What the Double Empathy Problem Actually Says
- Autistic people lack empathy for neurotypical people
- The difficulty in social interaction is located in the autistic person
- Neurotypical communication style is the standard; autistic communication is the deviation
- The goal of intervention is to make autistic people more legible to neurotypical people
- Neurotypical people's difficulty reading autistic communication is not identified as a problem
- Both parties struggle equally to understand each other across the neurotype difference
- The difficulty is located in the interaction, not in either person
- Both communication styles are valid; neither is the default
- The goal is building shared understanding that works for both parties
- Neurotypical people's difficulty reading autistic communication is an equal part of the problem
This is not a minor reframing. It changes the entire moral weight of the situation. In the old framing, the autistic person is the problem that needs to be fixed. In the double empathy framing, both people are having genuine difficulty understanding each other, and the solution is a shared language rather than a one-sided correction.
What Research Shows
The double empathy problem is supported by a growing body of research. Studies looking at first impressions of autistic people by neurotypical observers found that neurotypical people rated autistic people negatively on likability and competence within seconds of meeting them — before any interaction had occurred. The negative impression came from the autistic person's different body language, expression, and social style, not from anything the person said or did.
Studies examining autistic-autistic interaction found high levels of rapport, successful information exchange, and positive experience — suggesting that the social difficulty is specific to cross-neurotype interaction rather than to autistic social functioning as such.
Studies examining how well neurotypical people can read autistic emotional expression found that they perform poorly — often misreading distress as neutral, interest as discomfort, and genuine engagement as absence. The empathy failure runs in both directions. Only one direction has been labeled a deficit.
Why this matters clinically
The double empathy problem has significant implications for how autism therapy should work. Therapy that tries to make autistic people better at performing neurotypical social behavior — more eye contact, more conventional facial expression, more typical communication rhythm — is addressing the wrong thing. It's asking one party in a bidirectional communication difficulty to do all the work of bridging the gap. Therapy that starts from the double empathy framework asks both parties to develop mutual understanding, and treats autistic communication as valid rather than as a performance to be corrected.
What It Means for Neurodiverse Relationships
For couples where one partner is autistic and the other is neurotypical, the double empathy problem reframes what's happening when communication breaks down.
The neurotypical partner misreads autistic emotional expression, communication style, and attachment as coldness, unavailability, or lack of care. The autistic partner misreads neurotypical implicit communication, indirect emotional expression, and social expectations as confusing, unpredictable, or arbitrary. Both are having genuine difficulty. The work isn't to fix the autistic partner — it's to build a shared language that makes both partners legible to each other.
- Silence isn't indifference. Autistic communication with close partners often involves comfortable silence, parallel presence, and acts of service rather than verbal emotional expression. Neurotypical partners reading this as withdrawal are misreading autistic connection.
- Directness isn't rudeness. Autistic communication tends toward explicit, direct expression of what is meant, without the softening and hedging that neurotypical norms expect. Neurotypical partners reading directness as aggression or lack of consideration are misreading autistic communication style.
- Confusion isn't dismissal. When autistic partners don't pick up on implicit signals, they aren't ignoring them — they genuinely aren't registering them as signals. Neurotypical partners reading this as choosing not to notice are misreading autistic processing.
- Intensity isn't overwhelming. The depth of engagement and emotional investment autistic people bring to close relationships is often their most authentic expression of care. Neurotypical partners who find this intensity uncomfortable are experiencing a style difference, not a warning sign.
The disconnection in your relationship isn't because one of you is broken. It's because you're both trying to communicate across a genuine difference without a shared language.
I work with autistic adults and neurodiverse couples from a double empathy framework. AANE-trained, EFT-informed, virtual across TX, NH, ME, and MT.
What It Means for Therapy
The double empathy problem has direct implications for what good couples therapy looks like in neurodiverse partnerships. Therapy that begins from the assumption that the autistic partner's communication needs to be corrected toward neurotypical norms will produce one-sided solutions that don't work long-term and generate resentment.
Therapy that begins from the double empathy framework asks different questions. Not "how can the autistic partner communicate more like a neurotypical person?" but "what does each person's communication mean, and how can both people learn to read each other accurately?" Not "why doesn't the autistic partner respond to emotional bids the way their partner needs?" but "what are the emotional bids each partner makes, and how can both people learn to make and receive them in ways that work for their specific pairing?"
This is a genuinely different starting point and it produces genuinely different results. Neurodiverse couples therapy that holds the double empathy framework treats both partners as people with legitimate communication styles who need support building a shared language — not as a problem person and a long-suffering partner.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the double empathy problem?
The double empathy problem, described by researcher Damian Milton in 2012, is the recognition that difficulty in autistic-neurotypical interaction is bidirectional. Both parties struggle to understand and empathize with each other's communication and perspective. Historically, only the autistic party has been identified as having a deficit. The double empathy problem argues that neurotypical people have equal difficulty reading autistic communication, but this has been treated as the autistic person's problem rather than a shared communication challenge.
Do autistic people have empathy?
Yes. The persistent myth that autistic people lack empathy is not supported by research or by the accounts of autistic people themselves, many of whom describe intense empathic experiences. What is more accurate is that autistic and neurotypical people have difficulty reading each other's emotional expression and communication — the empathy failure is bidirectional. Autistic people may struggle to read neurotypical emotional cues; neurotypical people equally struggle to read autistic emotional expression. Only one of those difficulties has historically been called a deficit.
How does the double empathy problem affect relationships?
It means that the communication difficulties in neurodiverse relationships are not caused by one partner failing — they're caused by two people with different communication styles trying to connect without a shared language. Neurotypical partners misread autistic expression as coldness, distance, or lack of care. Autistic partners misread neurotypical implicit communication as confusing or arbitrary. Both misreadings are genuine and both contribute to disconnection. The solution is developing mutual understanding of each other's communication styles, not fixing one person's.
Why do autistic people communicate better with other autistic people?
Research on autistic-autistic interaction finds higher rapport, more successful information exchange, and more positive experience than in autistic-neurotypical interaction. This is strong evidence that autistic social difficulties are specific to cross-neurotype interaction rather than to autistic social functioning as such. Autistic people have a communication style — it works well when both parties share it. The difficulty arises in the translation across neurotype difference, which is a different problem from a deficit in autistic social capacity.
How should therapy for autistic people address the double empathy problem?
By starting from the premise that both parties have valid communication styles and that the work is building shared language rather than correcting the autistic partner toward neurotypical norms. Couples therapy that uses the double empathy framework asks what each person's communication means and how both people can learn to read each other more accurately. Individual therapy for autistic adults that works from this framework focuses on self-understanding and self-advocacy rather than on performing neurotypical social behavior.
Related reading: Autism and Attachment · Neurodivergent Relationship Terms · Autism in Marriage · Neurodiverse Couples Therapy
