Sensate Focus Starter Guide
A Structured Approach to Building Intimacy and Connection
What is Sensate Focus?
Sensate Focus is a therapeutic technique designed to help couples build intimacy, reduce performance anxiety, and enhance physical and emotional connection through mindful, non-goal-oriented touch.
- Focuses on sensation and connection rather than performance
- Progresses gradually through structured stages
- Emphasizes communication and mindfulness
- Reduces anxiety and pressure around intimacy
- Builds trust and emotional safety
Essential Ground Rules
- No intercourse during the exercises (until specifically indicated)
- No pressure to perform or achieve specific outcomes
- Either partner can pause or stop at any time
- Focus on giving when it's your turn to touch
- Focus on receiving when it's your turn to be touched
- Communicate your needs, boundaries, and experiences
Before You Begin
Pre-Session Checklist
Stage Progression
1 Stage 1: Non-Genital Touch 15-20 min each
Guidelines for Stage 1:
- Touch anywhere on the body EXCEPT genitals and breasts
- Focus on different textures, pressures, and sensations
- The giver explores what feels good to give
- The receiver focuses on sensations without needing to respond
- No expectation of arousal or specific response
- Practice for several sessions before moving to Stage 2
2 Stage 2: Including Genital Touch 20-25 min each
Guidelines for Stage 2:
- Include gentle, non-demanding genital and breast touch
- Continue to focus on sensation rather than arousal
- No pressure to become aroused or reach orgasm
- Explore different types of touch and pressure
- Communicate what feels good without performance pressure
- Move at your own pace - repeat as many times as needed
3 Stage 3: Mutual Touch 25-30 min total
Guidelines for Stage 3:
- Both partners touch each other simultaneously
- Practice giving and receiving at the same time
- Continue focus on sensation and connection
- Still no pressure for intercourse or orgasm
- Communicate throughout the experience
- Build comfort with mutual pleasure and arousal
4 Stage 4: Sensate Focus with Penetration As desired
Guidelines for Stage 4:
- Only proceed when both partners feel ready and comfortable
- Begin with penetration without movement - focus on sensations
- Gradually introduce movement while maintaining sensate focus
- Continue to prioritize connection over performance
- Either partner can return to earlier stages at any time
- Maintain open communication throughout
Communication Prompts
Use these conversation starters before and after each session:
Before Starting
"How are you feeling right now? What do you need to feel safe and comfortable?"
During Touch
"That feels nice" or "Could you try a lighter touch?" - simple, positive guidance
After Sessions
"What did you notice about your experience? What felt particularly good?"
Check-ins
"How is this process feeling for you? What would you like more or less of?"
Your Progress
Complete the checklist and start Stage 1