Couples Intimacy Tool
Sexual Preferences and Wants
A inventory for couples. Each partner completes their section independently about what they enjoy, want more of, want to try, and want to stop — then shares. The conversation is the point.
Before you begin
A approach to an honest conversation
Most couples never have a direct conversation about what they each actually want in their sexual relationship. They operate on assumptions, habits, and what has been acceptable rather than what is desired. This inventory creates the conditions for a different kind of conversation.
Complete your section independently first. Both partners fill in their own inventory — Part One and Part Two — before reading each other's. Seeing your partner's answers before writing your own changes what you write. The honesty that comes from writing independently is the most valuable part of this tool.
This is not a contract. Writing something in the "want to try" category is not an agreement that it will happen. Writing something in "want to stop" is not a criticism of your partner. This inventory is information — the raw material for an honest conversation. Nothing written here obligates either person to anything.
On consent and limits. Both people's limits are absolute and not up for negotiation. If something one partner wants is something the other partner is not willing to do, that is a complete answer — no justification required. The purpose of this inventory is to surface what is wanted and what is not, not to pressure anyone toward anything.
What to do with hard things. You may read something in your partner's inventory that surprises you, disappoints you, or is uncomfortable. Sit with that before responding. The goal of the sharing conversation is understanding, not immediate agreement. What your partner has written honestly is more valuable than what they might have written to avoid discomfort.
Partner A — complete independently
Your honest inventory
Answer as honestly as you can. Not what you think you should want, not what you think your partner wants to hear — what is genuinely true for you right now.
What I genuinely enjoy and want to keep
What I want more of
What I would like to explore or try
Writing this is not a request or an obligation — it is honest information about your desires.
What I would like to stop or do less of
This is not criticism — it is honest information about your experience that your partner deserves to know.
What is off-limits for me
Limits are absolute and require no justification.
What I haven't said that I wish my partner knew
Partner B — complete independently
Your honest inventory
Answer as honestly as you can — not what you think you should want or what your partner wants to hear, but what is genuinely true for you right now.
What I genuinely enjoy and want to keep
What I want more of
What I would like to explore or try
Writing this is not a request or an obligation — it is honest information about your desires.
What I would like to stop or do less of
This is not criticism — it is honest information your partner deserves to know.
What is off-limits for me
Limits are absolute and require no justification.
What I haven't said that I wish my partner knew
Part Three
How each person likes to connect
Beyond preferences about specific acts, how people want to be approached, initiated with, and communicated with during sex matters enormously. This section surfaces those preferences — each partner independently, then shared.
Partner A
How I like to connect
How I like to be initiated with
What I need to feel present and connected during intimacy
How I prefer to communicate during sex
Partner B
How I like to connect
How I like to be initiated with
What I need to feel present and connected during intimacy
How I prefer to communicate during sex
Part Four
The conversation this makes possible
Both partners have now written honestly. This section is for the conversation that follows — sharing what you wrote, hearing what your partner wrote, and deciding together what you want to do with what you have both said.
How to have this conversation well. Read each other's inventories in full before responding. Sit with any discomfort before speaking. Ask questions to understand rather than to defend. Remember that your partner's honesty is a gift — even when it is uncomfortable. The goal of this conversation is not to agree on everything but to know each other better than you did before.
Together
Take turns — listen before responding:
"Reading your inventory, what landed most was _____________ — and what I want to understand better is _____________"
Together
Together
Together
One thing each, specific and kind:
"Based on what you shared, one thing I want to do differently is _____________"
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