Couples Tool
Our Conflict Patterns
A couples tool drawing on the research of John Gottman. Identify which conflict patterns are present in your relationship, understand what drives each one, and practice the antidote that replaces it.
Before you begin
Patterns that predict damage over time
Every couple has conflict. That is not the problem. The problem is specific ways of handling conflict that, when they become habitual, erode the relationship's foundation over time. John Gottman's research identified four patterns that are particularly corrosive: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He called them the Four Horsemen.
These are patterns, not character flaws. Every person uses each of these behaviours sometimes. The concern is not a single incident but habitual use. Recognising a pattern in yourself is not an indictment. It is the beginning of being able to do something different.
Each pattern has an antidote. Gottman's research found that for every corrosive pattern there is a specific alternative that is more effective and less damaging. This tool covers both: what the pattern looks like, and what to do instead.
Based on the research of John Gottman. This tool draws on the published work of John and Julie Gottman. For a deeper exploration, their books and the Gottman Institute website are excellent resources.
Together
The four patterns
What each one looks like
Read each pattern carefully before moving to the next section. The goal is understanding, not self-criticism. Most people recognise themselves in more than one.
Pattern 1
Criticism
Attacking the person rather than addressing the behaviour
Criticism goes beyond a complaint about a specific action. It attacks the partner's character or personality. The complaint is turned into a statement about who someone fundamentally is. This leaves the other person feeling globally attacked and unable to respond without feeling defensive.
What it sounds like
"You never think about anyone but yourself."
"You are so lazy. You always leave everything to me."
"The problem is you just do not care."
Compared to a complaint (which is okay)
"I felt let down when you did not call. I needed to hear from you."
Pattern 2
Contempt
Treating your partner as inferior or beneath respect
Contempt is the most damaging of the four patterns and the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown. It communicates disgust, superiority, or disrespect. It goes beyond frustration into a posture of looking down at a partner. It can be subtle or overt, but its message is consistent: you are beneath me.
What it sounds like
Eye-rolling, mocking, sneering mid-conversation
"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."
Sarcasm meant to belittle: "Oh, brilliant idea as usual."
Name-calling or mimicking
Pattern 3
Defensiveness
Protecting yourself from a perceived attack rather than hearing the concern
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism, but it prevents the original concern from ever landing. Rather than hearing what the partner is trying to communicate, the defensive person focuses on protecting themselves, counter-attacking, or making excuses. The message to the partner is: your concern will not be heard here.
What it sounds like
"That is not true. I do plenty around here."
"Well if you had not done X, I would not have done Y."
"I cannot believe you are criticising me for this when you always..."
Listing everything you have done to counter the complaint
Pattern 4
Stonewalling
Shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation entirely
Stonewalling happens when someone disengages from the conversation completely, providing no verbal or non-verbal feedback. It often occurs when someone is flooded and their nervous system cannot continue. However it is experienced by the other person as indifference, hostility, or contempt. The partner left talking into silence is left feeling invisible and dismissed.
What it looks like
Going completely silent and looking away
Leaving the room without a word
Giving one-word responses and waiting for the conversation to end
Physically present but emotionally entirely absent
Part One
What each person recognises in themselves
Each partner rates how present each pattern is for them in this relationship. Complete your own ratings independently before comparing. Honesty with yourself is more useful than presenting well.
Rate yourself, not your partner. This section is about self-recognition, not diagnosis of the other person. You will each have a chance to say what you notice in the relationship in the next section.
Partner A
Partner B
Partner A
Partner B
Together
For example: criticism triggers defensiveness, which triggers contempt, which triggers stonewalling. Name what you actually recognise.
Part Two
The antidote for each pattern
For every corrosive pattern, Gottman's research points to a specific alternative. These antidotes are not softer versions of the same thing. They are genuinely different approaches that produce different outcomes.
Antidote to Criticism
Gentle start-up
Raise the concern without attacking the person
Instead of leading with what is wrong with your partner, lead with your own experience. A complaint says "I felt hurt when X happened, and I need Y." It targets the behaviour, not the person. It opens the conversation rather than putting the other person on trial.
The structure
I feel _____ when _____ happens. What I need is _____.
"I feel overwhelmed when I come home and the kitchen is still from the morning. What I need is for us to split the tidying up differently."
Antidote to Contempt
Build a culture of appreciation
Replace the posture of superiority with genuine respect and fondness
Contempt grows in an environment where positive feelings have eroded. The antidote is not just stopping the contemptuous behaviour but actively rebuilding the respect and appreciation underneath it. Regular, specific expressions of what you value in your partner shift the emotional baseline that contempt draws from.
In practice
Name something specific you genuinely appreciate about your partner at least once a day. Not a generic "I love you," but a specific observation of something you value.
"I noticed how patient you were with the kids tonight. That is not easy and I do not say that enough."
Antidote to Defensiveness
Take responsibility
Find the part that is true and acknowledge it
Defensiveness says: your concern is not valid. The antidote is not to agree with everything, but to find the grain of truth in what the other person is raising and acknowledge it. Even a partial acknowledgment shifts the conversation from attack-and-defend to genuine engagement.
The structure
You are right that _____. I can see that _____. I could have handled that better by _____.
"You are right that I have been distracted this week. I can see that has made you feel like you are low priority. I should have been more present."
Antidote to Stonewalling
Physiological self-soothing
Take a break with a clear intention to return
Stonewalling usually happens when someone is flooded. Their nervous system cannot process the conversation. The antidote is not to push through but to take a real break, long enough for the nervous system to calm down, and then return. The key is that the break is named, not just done, and that both people know it is temporary.
In practice
Agree on a phrase that means "I am flooded and need a break" before a conflict starts. The break is at least 20 minutes. Both people use the time to genuinely calm down. Both people commit to returning.
"I need to step away for a bit. I want to continue this. Can we come back to it in 30 minutes?"
Together
Each partner answers:
"The antidote I most need to practise is _____________ and for me specifically it would look like _____________"
Part Three
Agreements going forward
Recognition without a plan rarely changes anything. This section turns what you have noticed into specific, agreed commitments about how you will handle conflict differently.
Partner A
Partner B
Together
This signal needs to be agreed before the next conflict. It cannot be invented in the heat of one.
Together
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