Couples Tool
Emotional Bids Awareness Tool
Based on Dr. John Gottman's research — learn to recognize the small moments of connection your partner offers, and understand how you respond to them.
The concept
What is an emotional bid?
An emotional bid is any attempt to connect — to get your partner's attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids are the building blocks of emotional intimacy, and they happen dozens of times every day. Most are small and easy to miss. They can be a word, a look, a gesture, or just a presence.
"Look at this sunset."
A long sigh after a hard day
Reaching for your hand while driving
"I had the weirdest dream last night."
Laughing at something on TV and glancing at you
"I'm really stressed about this work thing."
Coming to sit near you without saying anything
"What do you want for dinner?" (yes, really)
Sharing a funny video or meme
Touching your shoulder as they walk past
"What are you thinking about?"
A small self-deprecating joke
The three responses
How we respond to bids
Gottman identified three ways people typically respond when their partner makes a bid. Most missed bids are not intentional — they happen because of distraction, depletion, or simply not recognizing the moment as a bid.
Turning Toward
Acknowledging the bid — even briefly. Full engagement isn't required. Just noticing and responding.
"Oh yeah?" · "Tell me more." · Looking up from your phone · "That sounds really hard."
Turning Away
Missing or minimally acknowledging the bid — usually due to distraction or low energy, not indifference.
No response · "Mm-hmm" without looking up · Staying absorbed in what you were doing
Turning Against
Responding with irritation, dismissal, or criticism — often when one partner is already overwhelmed.
"Not now." · "Can you not?" · A snapping or dismissive tone
Why it matters
The math of connection
Gottman's research followed couples over years and found a striking pattern in how they respond to each other's everyday bids.
87%
Couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids about 87% of the time in everyday interactions. Couples who divorced turned toward each other only about 33% of the time. The difference wasn't in grand gestures — it was in the small, ordinary moments.
Partner A
For each scenario, choose the response that most honestly describes how you typically react — not your ideal self, your real self.
Progress
0 of 8
Please answer all 8 scenarios.
Partner B
Same scenarios — answer honestly based on how you actually tend to respond, not how you wish you did.
Progress
0 of 8
Please answer all 8 scenarios.
Conversation prompts
Take turns completing this sentence:
"A bid I sometimes miss from you is _____________ — and I think it happens because _____________"
Each partner shares:
"When I reach out and it doesn't land, I usually feel _____________"
Each partner commits to something:
"One thing I can do this week to turn toward your bids more is _____________"
Your Bid Response Patterns
Here is how each of you tends to respond to emotional bids — and what your patterns reveal.
What this means for you
Understanding emotional bids is a skill — and working on it with a therapist accelerates everything. Sagebrush Counseling offers online couples therapy across Texas, New Hampshire, Maine, and Montana.
Sagebrush Counseling offers online couples therapy across Texas, New Hampshire, Maine, and Montana.
Learn More About Sagebrush Counseling