Couples Intimacy Tool
Intimacy Needs Inventory
A structured conversation tool for couples. Each partner identifies what they genuinely need across four dimensions of intimacy, then shares that with the other.
What this tool is for
Intimacy is more than one thing
Intimacy in a relationship is not a single need but a cluster of different kinds of connection. Two people can feel very close in one dimension and quite disconnected in another — and often the dimension that is most absent is the one neither person knows how to name. This inventory creates space to name it.
The four dimensions. This inventory covers emotional intimacy — feeling truly known and understood — physical intimacy, which includes all forms of closeness and touch, not only sexual. Intellectual intimacy — the experience of thinking alongside someone, being genuinely curious about each other's minds. And spiritual or existential intimacy — sharing meaning, values, and the bigger questions of how to live.
How to use this tool. Each partner completes each section privately first, then you share. The goal is not agreement but understanding. Hearing what your partner needs — even if it is different from what you assumed — is the most useful thing this tool can produce.
On the satisfaction ratings. Each section includes sliders for how satisfied each person is with this dimension right now, and how important it is to them. The gap between those two numbers often points directly at where the work needs to go.
Emotional Intimacy
The experience of feeling truly known — not just understood on the surface, but seen at the level of your inner life. Emotional intimacy includes vulnerability, being heard without being fixed, and the feeling that your emotional world matters to your partner.
Satisfaction with emotional intimacy right now
A5/10
B5/10
Not satisfiedVery satisfied
How important emotional intimacy is to each person
A7/10
B7/10
Less importantExtremely important
Emotional needs
What each person needs here
Partner A needs
Partner B needs
What Partner A is not getting enough of
What Partner B is not getting enough of
Together
Take turns:
"Something I didn't fully know about what you need emotionally is _____________"
Physical Intimacy
All forms of physical closeness and affection — holding, touch, warmth, physical presence — as well as sexual intimacy. This dimension is broader than sex. Physical intimacy includes the everyday gestures of closeness that signal you are loved and wanted, not just desired in a sexual context.
A note. If sexual intimacy is a specific area of difficulty, the Desire and Arousal Mapping worksheet covers that in more depth. This section is for physical intimacy broadly — including the non-sexual physical connection that research shows is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction.
Satisfaction with physical intimacy right now
A5/10
B5/10
Not satisfiedVery satisfied
How important physical intimacy is to each person
A7/10
B7/10
Less importantExtremely important
Physical needs
What each person needs here
Partner A needs
Partner B needs
What Partner A is not getting enough of
What Partner B is not getting enough of
Together
Intellectual Intimacy
The experience of thinking alongside each other — sharing ideas, being genuinely curious about how your partner's mind works, having conversations that go somewhere. Intellectual intimacy is present when both people feel seen and stimulated as thinking, growing beings, not just partners in managing a shared life.
Satisfaction with intellectual intimacy right now
A5/10
B5/10
Not satisfiedVery satisfied
How important intellectual intimacy is to each person
A6/10
B6/10
Less importantExtremely important
Intellectual needs
What each person needs here
Partner A needs
Partner B needs
What Partner A is not getting enough of
What Partner B is not getting enough of
Together
Spiritual and Existential Intimacy
Shared meaning, shared values, and a shared orientation toward the bigger questions — what matters, what you are building, what you believe, and how you want to live. This dimension does not require shared religious faith. It is present wherever two people genuinely inhabit the same world of meaning, or where they are curious about each other's world of meaning even when it differs.
Satisfaction with spiritual and existential intimacy right now
A5/10
B5/10
Not satisfiedVery satisfied
How important this dimension is to each person
A6/10
B6/10
Less importantExtremely important
Spiritual and existential needs
What each person needs here
Partner A needs
Partner B needs
What Partner A is not getting enough of
What Partner B is not getting enough of
Together
Your full picture
Where you are and what needs attention
Looking across all four dimensions — the satisfaction scores, the needs each person named, and the gaps between importance and satisfaction. This is the conversation the inventory exists to make possible.
Satisfaction and importance across all four dimensions
Together
Name the most important gap:
"The dimension where the gap feels most significant is _____________ — and I think it has gone unaddressed because _____________"
Together
Together
Small and specific:
"One thing I will do differently to meet your need for _____________ is _____________"
Sagebrush Counseling offers online couples therapy across Texas, New Hampshire, Maine, and Montana.
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