ADHD Toolkit: Relationships | Sagebrush Counseling

ADHD Toolkit

Relationships

Building and maintaining connections when your brain works differently—because ADHD affects relationships, but doesn't have to ruin them

ADHD Communication Patterns

💬 Understanding Your Communication Style

ADHD affects how we communicate. Recognizing your patterns is the first step to improving them.

My Communication Challenges:

Interrupting before people finish talking
Forgetting what was just said to me
Mind wandering during conversations
Oversharing or info-dumping about interests
Struggling to find words in the moment
Missing social cues or subtext
Forgetting to respond to messages
Getting defensive quickly when criticized
Talking too much or too little
Difficulty staying present in emotional conversations

Which pattern causes the most problems in my relationships?

What can I do to manage this pattern?

Active Listening Strategies

👂 How to Stay Present in Conversations

ADHD makes listening hard. These strategies help you stay focused and show you care.

Put phone face-down or away completely
Make mental summaries ("So they're saying...")
Take brief notes if it's important info
Ask clarifying questions to stay engaged
Repeat back what you heard to confirm understanding
Notice when mind wanders and gently return focus
Use fidget toy to help body stay still while listening
Tell them if you need them to repeat something
Avoid "one-upping" stories - let them have their moment
Save your response until they're completely finished

When someone tells me I'm not listening, I will say:

Communicating Your ADHD Needs

🗣️ Helping Others Understand Your Brain

People can't accommodate needs they don't know about. Practice explaining ADHD in your relationships.

❌ Instead of:

"I'm just forgetful"
"Sorry, I'm bad at texting"
"I can't help being late"
"That's just how I am"

✓ Try saying:

"I have ADHD and working memory issues. Can you text me important info?"
"I struggle with text response. If it's urgent, please call me"
"Time blindness is part of my ADHD. I'm working on it and could use patience"
"This is an ADHD symptom I'm managing. Here's what helps me..."

How I'll explain my ADHD to someone important in my life:

Managing Rejection Sensitivity in Relationships

💔 When Everything Feels Personal

RSD makes perceived rejection unbearable. Learn to pause before reacting.

The STOP Method for RSD Moments

S - Stop Don't respond immediately. Count to 10. Walk away if needed. Your first reaction is the RSD, not reality.

T - Take a breath Ground yourself. Notice the intensity of the emotion. Remind yourself "This is RSD, it will pass."

O - Observe facts What did they actually say vs. what story am I creating? What evidence do I have that they care about me?

P - Proceed thoughtfully Respond to what was actually said, not the catastrophe your brain invented. Ask for clarification if needed.

My RSD triggers in relationships:

When I feel rejected, before reacting I will:

Time Blindness Impact on Relationships

⏰ When You Lose Track of Time

Time blindness damages relationships. People feel unimportant when you're late or forget. Here's how to manage it.

Systems to Combat Time Blindness:

Set multiple alarms: "get ready" + "leave now" + "you're late"
Calendar everything: hangouts, calls, even casual plans
Build in buffer time (if event is at 2pm, tell yourself 1:30pm)
Set "check in" reminders during long projects or time away from partner
Use location-based reminders ("when I leave work, call friend")
Visible timers/clocks in every room
Text arrival time so people know you're on your way
Be honest: "I struggle with time. Please remind me 30 min before"

Who in my life is most affected by my time blindness?

What I'll say to them about it:

Conflict Resolution Template

🤝 Working Through Disagreements

ADHD can make conflicts escalate quickly. Use this structure to communicate calmly.

The Repair Conversation Script:

Use this when you need to address a problem or repair after a conflict:

1. Describe the situation without blame:

"When [specific situation happened]..."

2. Share your feeling:

"I felt [emotion] because..."

3. State what you need:

"What I need is [specific request]..."

4. Ask for their perspective:

"How do you see this? What do you need from me?"

Practice with a current conflict:

The ADHD Apology

🙏 When Your Symptoms Hurt Someone

ADHD causes real impact on others. A good apology acknowledges harm without making excuses.

Effective Apology Formula:

"I'm sorry I [specific action]. I understand that hurt you / affected you by [acknowledge their experience]. That wasn't okay. I have ADHD which makes [specific challenge] harder for me, but that doesn't excuse the impact on you. Here's what I'm going to do differently: [specific change]. Can we talk about what you need from me?"

❌ Avoid:

"I'm sorry BUT..."
"It's not my fault, it's my ADHD"
"Sorry you feel that way"
"I didn't mean to, so..."
"You're overreacting"

✓ Include:

Name specific action
Acknowledge their feelings
Take responsibility
Explain if relevant, don't excuse
Commit to specific change

An apology I need to make:

Understanding Different Relationship Needs

❤️ What Different People Need From You

Not everyone needs the same things. Understanding different needs helps you show up better.

Consistency

Reliable presence, keeping plans, regular check-ins

Quality Time

Focused attention, being present, shared activities

Communication

Regular updates, responding to messages, sharing feelings

Practical Help

Following through on commitments, sharing tasks, being reliable

Understanding

Patience with ADHD symptoms, flexibility, compassion

Respect

Honoring boundaries, listening, valuing their perspective

Someone important in my life (name them):

What they need most from me:

One specific way I can meet that need this week:

Maintaining Long-Distance or Low-Contact Friendships

📱 Object Permanence and Friendships

"Out of sight, out of mind" is real with ADHD. Systems help you maintain relationships even when not in regular contact.

Set recurring reminders to reach out to specific friends
Keep a list of people to text when you think of them
Send quick "thinking of you" messages without needing full conversation
Schedule regular catch-up calls (monthly coffee chat, etc.)
Respond to messages immediately or add to task list
Share memes/articles that make you think of them
Be honest: "I'm bad at staying in touch but I care about you"
Use birthday/calendar reminders to reconnect
Voice memos when texting feels like too much
Accept that some friendships are seasonal/distant and that's okay

Friends I've been meaning to reach out to:

Setting Boundaries with ADHD

🚧 Saying No Without Guilt

ADHD people-pleasing is real. Overcommitting hurts you AND others when you can't follow through.

I tend to overcommit when:

Boundaries I need to set:

Boundary-Setting Scripts:

"Let me check my calendar and get back to you" (buys time to decide)
"I can't commit to that right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me"
"That doesn't work for me, but here's what I could do instead..."
"I need to say no to protect my capacity for existing commitments"
"I care about you AND I need to take care of myself"

Relationship Self-Compassion

"ADHD makes relationships harder, but it doesn't make you unlovable. Your brain works differently, which means you connect differently—and that's not inherently bad. The right people will appreciate your hyperfocus, your passion, your creativity, and your loyalty once you find systems that work."

💙 You're Doing Your Best

Relationship shame I'm carrying:

ADHD symptoms that contribute to this:

One thing I do well in relationships:

ADHD-Specific Relationship Strategies

Schedule quality time like appointments: Spontaneity fails with ADHD. Calendar date nights, friend hangs, family calls. Scheduled connection still counts.
Keep a "people notes" file: Jot down what friends tell you (partner's big meeting date, friend's job interview). Review before seeing them so you remember to ask.
Ask how they want to be loved: Don't guess. "How do you know I care about you? What makes you feel valued?" Then do those things.
Explain before defending: When someone's hurt, lead with "You're right, I dropped the ball" before explaining the ADHD piece. Impact matters more than intent.
Create external reminders for important dates: Birthdays, anniversaries, important events in calendar with multiple reminders. Consider a service that sends gifts for you.
The "I'm thinking of you" text: Quantity isn't everything. One genuine "saw this and thought of you" means more than daily empty check-ins.
Parallel play as quality time: You don't have to talk constantly. Being in the same room doing separate things counts as connection for many relationships.
Use body doubling for relationship tasks: Ask partner/friend to sit with you while you respond to messages, plan events, or do relationship admin.
Be the friend you need: Find people who also struggle with consistency, who understand ADHD, who don't take silence personally.
Repair ruptures quickly: Don't let ADHD mistakes fester. Address them, apologize, problem-solve, move forward. Most people are forgiving of effort and honesty.

Monthly Relationship Check-In

📝 How Are Your Connections?

Regular reflection helps you notice patterns and maintain relationships intentionally.

Relationship wins this month:

Relationship challenges this month:

Someone I need to reconnect with or repair with:

One relationship skill I'll practice next month:

How I'm feeling about my relationships overall:

Part of the ADHD Toolkit series designed for adults navigating ADHD