ADHD and Lying in Relationships: What’s Really Going On?

Let’s be real—lying in relationships stings. Whether it’s a small fib about where someone was or a bigger breach of trust, it’s one of those things that makes your stomach drop.

And if this is something you’ve experienced with ADHD—either in yourself or your partner—you might be feeling a confusing mix of guilt, frustration, and hurt. You’re not alone in this.

As a therapist, I often work with couples where one or both partners has ADHD, and the conversation around honesty can get... complicated. But what I’ve seen time and time again is that the “why” behind the lie is often more layered than people expect. And it’s not always about manipulation.

So let’s gently dig into what’s really going on—and how to work through it together, without shame.

First, Let’s Be Clear: ADHD Isn’t a Free Pass

Having ADHD doesn’t excuse lying. That’s important to say upfront.

But it can help explain why some patterns—like fibbing, dodging the truth, or forgetting details—happen in the first place. Especially when someone’s feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, or afraid of disappointing their partner.

And that’s what we want to understand here—not to let anyone off the hook, but to make room for healing.

So Why Does Lying Happen with ADHD?

1. Fear of Rejection or Disapproval

For folks with ADHD, even little mistakes can feel huge—especially if they’ve spent years being criticized or misunderstood. Sometimes, lying feels like a shortcut to avoiding conflict or rejection. The intention isn’t to hurt—it’s to protect.

2. Shame Around Executive Dysfunction

They meant to do the thing. They really did. But they forgot, got distracted, or froze. And then shame shows up fast—and it’s intense. So instead of admitting it, a quick “Yeah, I did it” slips out.

3. Impulsive Reactions

People with ADHD can sometimes say things before thinking them through. It’s not always calculated—it’s reactive. Later, they might not even remember the full story.

4. Time Confusion and Memory Gaps

“What day was that?” “Did I tell you that already?” If timelines feel fuzzy, it can sound like dishonesty—even when it’s more about brain fog than deception.

🛋️ Therapist note: None of this means it’s okay to lie. But understanding where it’s coming from helps shift the conversation from blame to curiosity.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

You might hear:

• “I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

• “I didn’t want to upset you.”

• “I honestly forgot I didn’t tell you.”

And while that doesn’t undo the hurt, it can help explain the behavior. For many ADHD partners, the intention wasn’t to deceive—it was to avoid discomfort, even if that came at a cost.

For the partner on the receiving end, though? It can feel like walking on eggshells. Like you’re never sure if what you’re hearing is the full truth.

That disconnect can chip away at the trust—and the closeness.

How You Can Start Repairing—Together

1. Create a No-Blame Zone

Try starting with, “I want us to be able to talk honestly, even when it’s hard.” That signals safety—and a shared goal.

2. Slow Down Before Responding

If you’re the ADHD partner, build in a pause. Literally count to three. That tiny space can help you respond more truthfully, even when your gut says, “Say anything but the truth!”

3. Set Small, Clear Agreements

Big changes don’t happen overnight. Focus on bite-sized promises: “If I forget something, I’ll own it.” “If I feel like lying, I’ll pause and check in.”

4. Use a Reset Ritual

This could be a phrase you say when repairing (“I want to start fresh”), a small gesture, or even a written note. Repair doesn’t have to be formal—but it does have to happen.

5. Name and Celebrate the Honest Moments

When someone tells the truth—even if it’s messy—acknowledge it. “Thanks for being honest with me” goes a long way toward rewiring trust.

Therapy when You Have ADHD

If lying has crept into your relationship and ADHD is part of the picture, you’re not alone—and you’re not doomed.

You’re just navigating something complex, and it’s okay if you’re still figuring it out.

Honesty doesn’t mean perfection. It means choosing to show up with more clarity, more intention, and more kindness—for yourself and each other.

And when you both work toward that—one honest moment at a time—real healing can begin.

If this hits close to home and you’re ready to explore these dynamics in a safe, supportive space—I’d be honored to walk with you.