How to Discuss Alternative Sexual Interests in Your Relationship

Written By A G

Talking about sex can feel awkward enough—but bringing up alternative sexual interests or desires that feel "different" from the norm? That can feel downright terrifying. Whether you're curious about exploring new activities, have fantasies you've never shared, or feel drawn to experiences outside traditional expectations, having these conversations with your partner doesn't have to feel overwhelming.

The truth is, alternative sexual interests are far more common than many people realize. And when approached with care, curiosity, and respect, these discussions can actually deepen intimacy and strengthen your relationship in unexpected ways.

Understanding Alternative Sexual Interests

Alternative sexual interests encompass a wide range of preferences and desires that may differ from what society often considers "typical" or "mainstream." This might include:

  • Different sexual positions, activities, or techniques

  • Role-playing or fantasy exploration

  • Use of toys, props, or sensory play

  • Power dynamics or BDSM elements

  • Non-traditional relationship structures

  • Fetishes or specific turn-ons

  • Exploring gender expression or identity within intimacy

There are many ways to express love, and you don't need to have sex with someone to show them you love them. Communication is necessary throughout a relationship, from the very beginning to the very end. No matter how long you and your partner have been together, you will need to keep communicating about your sexual expectations, desires and needs.

The key is remembering that sexual preferences exist on a vast spectrum, and what matters most is that all activities are consensual, safe, and enjoyable for everyone involved.

Why These Conversations Feel So Hard

Before diving into the "how," it's worth acknowledging why talking about alternative sexual interests can feel so challenging:

Shame and Judgment: In many ways, we are taught that our bodies are shameful and mysterious, and we feel embarrassed to talk openly about sexual desire. Society often sends messages that certain desires are "weird" or "wrong."

Fear of Rejection: You might worry that sharing your interests will make your partner see you differently or even end the relationship.

Lack of Models: TV shows, movies, and other kinds of media often do not model positive communication about sexuality, leaving many people without examples of how to have these conversations.

Vulnerability: Sexual desires can feel deeply personal. Sharing them requires emotional courage and trust.

These fears are completely understandable—and they're also surmountable with the right approach.

Creating the Foundation for Open Sexual Communication

Start with Emotional Safety

Before diving into specific desires or interests, focus on building emotional safety in your relationship. Rebuilding intimacy doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts with emotional closeness, curiosity, and tiny steps toward reconnection.

Ask yourself: Does your partner generally respond to vulnerability with curiosity rather than judgment? Do you both feel comfortable expressing needs in other areas of your relationship? If the emotional foundation feels shaky, it may be worth addressing broader communication patterns first.

Choose the Right Time and Setting

Timing matters enormously. Don't bring up new sexual interests:

  • During or immediately after sex

  • During an argument or tense moment

  • When either of you is stressed, tired, or distracted

  • In public or around others

Instead, choose a time when you're both relaxed, have privacy, and won't be interrupted. Some couples find it easier to start these conversations outside the bedroom entirely—during a walk, over coffee, or during a dedicated relationship check-in.

Begin with Affirmation

Start by affirming your relationship and your partner. You might say something like: "I love our intimacy together, and I feel safe talking with you about things that matter to me" or "Our relationship means so much to me, and I'd love to share something that's been on my mind."

How to Bring Up Alternative Sexual Interests

Use "I" Statements

Frame your desires as your own experience rather than making it about what your partner should do. Instead of "We should try..." try "I've been curious about..." or "Something I've been interested in is..."

Start Small and General

You don't need to share every detail immediately. Begin with broader concepts and gauge your partner's response. For example:

  • "I've been reading about how couples explore different aspects of intimacy. Have you ever thought about that?"

  • "I saw something that made me curious about trying new things together. How do you feel about experimenting?"

Be Specific When Ready

Clear and concise communication with a partner before sexual activity is important for several reasons, even though it can often be difficult. Communication is an ongoing process that includes learning about and understanding the other's boundaries, needs, preferences, and desires.

When you feel ready to be more specific, describe what you're interested in and why it appeals to you. Be clear about what you're asking for—whether it's just discussion, research together, or actual exploration.

Ask About Their Thoughts and Feelings

This isn't a monologue—it's a conversation. After sharing, ask open-ended questions:

  • "What are your initial thoughts about this?"

  • "How does that land with you?"

  • "Is there anything you'd want to know more about?"

Respect Their Response

Your partner might need time to process, might have questions, or might not share your interest—and all of these responses are valid. Sexual activity should ALWAYS be consensual and NEVER be convinced or coerced.

Navigating Different Responses

If They're Curious or Interested

Great! This is an opportunity to explore together. Discuss:

  • What specifically interests both of you

  • Boundaries and limits

  • How to learn more or start slowly

  • Safe words or signals if trying new activities

If They Need Time

Respect their need to process. Set a timeline for follow-up conversation: "Would you like to think about it and talk again next week?"

If They're Not Interested

This can feel disappointing, but it's important to respect their boundaries. Focus on:

  • Understanding their perspective without trying to change their mind

  • Finding ways to honor both of your needs

  • Exploring what aspects of intimacy you both enjoy

  • Considering whether this is a dealbreaker or something you can navigate together

If They React Negatively

If your partner responds with judgment, shame, or harsh criticism, this may indicate deeper relationship issues around respect and communication. Consider whether couples therapy might help you both learn to discuss difficult topics more constructively.

The Role of Education and Research

Learning together can be incredibly bonding. The value and psychology behind these sometimes-taboo topics can offer the reader freedom, curiosity, validation, and creativity as they explore their sexual desires and needs

Consider:

  • Reading books or articles together about sexuality and communication

  • Taking online courses or workshops

  • Listening to sex-positive podcasts

  • Consulting reputable websites and resources

When Professional Support Can Help

Sometimes, these conversations benefit from professional guidance. Couples therapy and sex therapy can provide:

Safe Space for Difficult Conversations

Therapy offers a safe space to unpack them without blame. Sometimes what's happening in bed reflects what's happening emotionally. A therapist can help you navigate discussions that feel too charged or complicated to handle alone.

Communication Skills

Many couples struggle with sexual communication not because they don't care about each other, but because they haven't learned the skills. Working with a counselor, you and your partner can learn how to share your concerns and emotions effectively. Some of the skills you might work on with your therapist include learning how to communicate effectively and choosing the right time and place to have difficult conversations.

Addressing Underlying Issues

Sex therapists can also help you work through challenges such as: Sex education and correcting miseducation. Sexual trauma. Feelings of anxiety, fear or shame related to sex. Issues around cultural, religious and societal views of sex. Improving communication about sex and intimacy between you and your partner(s).

Exploring Sexual Identity and Desires

Liz helps individuals and couples discover what healthy sexuality means to each person in a non-judgmental environment. Liz is an exceptional resource for individuals or couples who have difficulty discussing sex. She's an invaluable resource for those who want to explore what sexuality means to them and how to define healthy sexuality.

The Benefits of Open Sexual Communication

When couples learn to discuss alternative sexual interests openly and respectfully, several positive outcomes often emerge:

Deeper Intimacy: Regular and meaningful sex not only improves relationships but also has physical benefits like increased blood flow, lower blood pressure, improved heart health, reduced stress, and, of course, enjoyment.

Reduced Shame: Bringing hidden desires into the light often diminishes their power to create shame or secrecy.

Increased Trust: Successfully navigating vulnerable conversations builds confidence in your relationship's ability to handle difficult topics.

Enhanced Creativity: Engaging in new sensual or erotic activities can enhance communication, boost our sex drive, and promote growth in our relationship. It's an opportunity to add excitement, deepen connection, and foster relationship stability.

Better Problem-Solving: Learning to discuss sexual preferences improves communication skills that benefit all areas of your relationship.

Moving Forward Together

Remember that discussing alternative sexual interests isn't a one-time conversation—it's an ongoing dialogue that evolves as you both grow and change. Communication is necessary throughout a relationship, from the very beginning to the very end. No matter how long you and your partner have been together, you will need to keep communicating about your sexual expectations, desires and needs.

The goal isn't necessarily to act on every desire or interest, but to create a relationship where both partners feel safe being their authentic selves. Whether you end up exploring new activities together or simply deepening your understanding of each other, these conversations can strengthen your bond in meaningful ways.

Related Resources from Sagebrush Counseling

Explore more insights about intimacy and relationships:

Additional Resources for Sexual Health and Communication

Professional Organizations and Educational Resources

Communication and Relationship Resources

Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?

At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that talking about sex and intimacy can feel vulnerable and overwhelming. Whether you're navigating alternative sexual interests, working through communication challenges, or simply wanting to deepen your connection, we're here to help.

Our virtual couples therapy services across Texas provide a safe, non-judgmental space where you can:

  • Learn effective communication skills for discussing intimate topics

  • Work through sexual concerns or mismatched desires

  • Explore what healthy sexuality means for your unique relationship

  • Address underlying issues that may be affecting your intimacy

  • Rebuild connection and trust in your partnership

We offer evening and weekend appointments to fit your schedule, and all sessions are conducted through secure, private video sessions.

Take the First Step Today

You don't have to navigate these conversations alone. If you're ready to create deeper intimacy and stronger communication in your relationship, we'd love to support you on that journey.

Schedule your free 15-minute consultation to see if couples therapy is right for you. During this brief call, we'll discuss your goals and answer any questions about how therapy can help strengthen your relationship.

Contact us today:

  • Email: contact@sagebrushcounseling.com

  • Serving all of Texas through secure telehealth

  • Evening and weekend appointments available

Your relationship deserves the care and attention that helps it thrive. Let's work together to build the intimacy and connection you're looking for.

A G
Previous

Setting Boundaries Around Online Sexual Communities: A Couples Guide
Next

The Swinging Lifestyle and Marriage: Navigating Open Relationships Safely