Am I Masking in My Relationship Without Realizing It?
How Neurodivergent Adults Can Spot the Subtle Signs—and Start Showing Up Authentically
If you’ve ever left a conversation with your partner feeling emotionally exhausted…
If you’re the one who always says, “It’s fine” when it’s not…
If you’ve been called “easygoing” when you’re secretly overwhelmed and anxious—
You might be masking in your relationship.
And you might not even realize it.
Masking isn’t always dramatic. It can be subtle. Quiet. Even habitual—especially if you’ve spent a lifetime trying to “fit in,” “be good,” or not rock the boat. And while masking can be a useful survival skill, it can also block the emotional intimacy and comfort you deserve in a relationship.
Let’s break down what masking in a relationship really looks like—and what to do if you recognize it.
What Is Masking?
Masking is when you hide or suppress parts of yourself to meet someone else’s expectations or to avoid conflict, rejection, or shame. For neurodivergent folks (like those with autism, ADHD, or sensory processing differences), it often starts in childhood. Over time, it becomes automatic.
Masking can help us survive—but it also creates disconnection. Especially in romantic relationships.
“But I’m Not Lying—I Just Don’t Want to Be a Burden.”
This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy.
Masking doesn’t mean you’re being dishonest. Most people mask to protect themselves or their relationship. You might mask because:
You’re afraid your partner won’t understand your sensory needs
You don’t want to seem “too sensitive” or “dramatic”
You’ve been told you’re “too much” in past relationships
You genuinely don’t know what your needs are yet
So instead of expressing discomfort, you tolerate. Instead of saying what you feel, you go quiet. Instead of being fully seen, you work overtime to be who your partner expects.
That’s masking, too.
Subtle Signs You Might Be Masking in Your Relationship
You don’t have to be consciously pretending to be masking. Here are some quieter ways it can show up:
😶 You downplay or hide your needs.
You push through sensory overload during sex or social plans.
You don’t speak up about textures, smells, sounds, or light that bother you.
You pretend you’re okay with plans when you really need alone time.
🤝 You mirror your partner—at your own expense.
You match their interests, tone, or energy without realizing it.
You over-accommodate their schedule, communication style, or routines.
You start losing track of your own preferences.
😬 You smile, nod, or say “I’m fine” when you’re struggling.
You suppress shutdowns or meltdowns until you’re alone.
You laugh at jokes you don’t understand to seem agreeable.
You avoid difficult conversations to “keep the peace.”
🧠 You mentally rehearse everything you say.
You edit texts several times to “sound normal.”
You don’t speak freely in conflict because you’re afraid of saying the “wrong” thing.
You need extra time to process but pretend to be fine in real-time.
😔 You feel exhausted after spending time together.
Even if it was “a good day,” you feel depleted after being with your partner.
You feel like you’re acting—even if you love them.
You can’t explain why you don’t feel fully safe or relaxed.
If any of these sound familiar, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. But it might mean your relationship needs more space for the real you.
Why Do We Mask in Relationships?
There are so many reasons we do this. Some of the most common include:
Past trauma or rejection: You’ve learned it’s safer to hide.
Internalized ableism: You feel like your needs are “weird” or “too much.”
Fear of abandonment: You believe if you show the real you, your partner will leave.
Unclear boundaries: You’ve been trained to accommodate others to keep relationships.
Not knowing your true self yet: You’ve masked so long, you’re still figuring it out.
None of this is your fault. But it is something you can work through—with time, support, and a lot of self-compassion.
What Happens When We Unmask in a Relationship?
Here’s the honest truth: unmasking can be awkward at first. You might feel guilt, shame, or like you're “changing the rules.”
But here’s what also happens:
💬 You speak up more clearly
💆 You feel safer in your own skin
🤝 Your relationship becomes more honest and emotionally intimate
🌱 You get to grow—together
It’s not about oversharing or putting pressure on your partner to “get” everything. It’s about slowly letting yourself be seen, and making room for your actual needs and preferences to matter.
Tips for Unmasking with Your Partner
1. Start small.
Instead of a huge emotional reveal, try:
“Hey, I’m realizing I’ve been pushing through things that don’t feel great. I want to start being more honest with myself—and you—about what I need.”
2. Use sensory language.
It’s okay to say:
“This lighting is really harsh and it’s making it hard to focus.”
“My brain’s tired—can we do quiet time tonight?”
“I’m not ignoring you. I just need a reset.”
3. Set time-outs or recovery cues.
Come up with a code or gesture for when you need to pause, stim, go quiet, or take a break during emotional moments.
4. Be open about discovering yourself.
You don’t have to know it all yet. Try:
“I’m still figuring out what I like or don’t like. I’ll let you know when I do.”
That’s real. That’s connection.
What If Your Partner Doesn’t Get It?
If you start unmasking and your partner:
Minimizes your needs
Shames your sensitivities
Pressures you to “just get over it”
Uses your honesty against you
…that’s not about you masking. That’s about them not being a safe person.
You deserve a relationship that supports your real self—not just your curated one.
Therapy Can Help You Unmask Safely
If you’ve been masking for years (or decades), therapy can be a safe place to:
Explore your identity outside of expectations
Grieve the energy you’ve spent hiding
Rebuild a relationship with your own needs and preferences
Learn how to advocate in your relationship without guilt
I work with neurodivergent adults and couples across Texas who are ready to stop performing and start living more honestly.
You’re Not a Burden—You’re Just Used to Hiding
And now, it’s time to come home to yourself.
Your partner deserves to know the real you.
But more importantly—you deserve to know the real you.
If you’re ready to stop masking and start feeling seen in your relationship, I’d love to support you.
📅 Book a session or free consultation today.
Virtual therapy for neurodivergent adults & couples across Texas.
