Are You Settling, or Just Expecting Too Much? How to Tell the Difference
Are I settling for less than you deserve, or ar you I just being unrealistic? - big question. People agonize over whether they're compromising too much in relationships, careers, friendships, or life in general. They're terrified of both outcomes—staying in something that's wrong for them, or leaving something good because they expected perfection.
This question keeps people stuck for years. They stay in relationships that slowly drain them because they fear being "too picky." Or they end good relationships because they don't match an impossible standard. They tolerate unfulfilling careers because they think wanting more is entitled. Or they quit jobs impulsively because one thing isn't perfect.
Both settling and expecting too much will make you miserable. But they're actually quite different, and learning to tell them apart changes everything.
Find the Balance Between Standards and Self-Doubt
It’s not about being too much or expecting too little—it’s about knowing what healthy connection feels like. Therapy can help you rebuild trust in your own needs and intuition.
Schedule a ConsultationWhy This Question Is So Confusing
According to the American Psychological Association, relationship satisfaction involves a complex balance between expectations, reality, and core values. The challenge is that our culture sends wildly contradictory messages about what we should expect from relationships and life.
Social media tells you that you deserve everything—the perfect partner, dream career, ideal body, constant happiness. Settle for nothing less! Meanwhile, older generations tell you that you're entitled and unrealistic. Relationships are hard work! Lower your standards! No one is perfect!
As a therapist, I see people paralyzed between these messages, unable to trust their own judgment about what's reasonable to want.
Add to this the fact that many people grew up in environments where their needs were dismissed or they watched adults settle for deeply unhappy situations. You might not have a healthy baseline for what "good enough" actually looks like.
What Settling Actually Looks Like
Settling isn't about accepting that no one is perfect or that relationships require effort. It's about betraying your core values and needs because you're afraid of being alone, starting over, or believing you don't deserve better.
As a therapist, I notice these patterns when someone is genuinely settling:
You're Ignoring Deal-Breakers
Everyone has non-negotiables—values or needs so important that their absence makes a relationship fundamentally wrong for you. Settling means staying despite knowing these aren't being met.
Deal-breakers might include:
Wanting children when your partner definitely doesn't (or vice versa)
Needing emotional availability when your partner is consistently closed off
Requiring honesty when you're repeatedly lied to
Valuing respect when you're consistently dismissed or belittled
Needing fidelity when there's ongoing infidelity or betrayal
Wanting partnership when you're doing everything alone
These aren't "pickiness"—they're fundamental incompatibilities. Staying despite them is settling.
You're Rationalizing Red Flags
When you're settling, you spend enormous energy justifying behaviors that you know are wrong:
"They only yell at me when they're stressed"
"Everyone watches porn, I'm just being prudish"
"They'll change once we're married/have kids/they get the promotion"
"It's not that bad, other people have it worse"
"Maybe I'm too sensitive"
As a therapist, I can tell someone is settling when they spend more time defending their situation than enjoying it. Your intuition is screaming at you, but you're working overtime to silence it.
Your Needs Are Consistently Unmet
In healthy relationships and situations, your needs are taken seriously even when they can't always be perfectly met. When you're settling, your needs are:
Dismissed as too demanding
Met with defensiveness or anger
Acknowledged but never actually addressed
Made to seem unreasonable or dramatic
You've learned to stop asking because it's not worth the fight, the guilt, or the disappointment.
You're Staying Out of Fear, Not Love
The primary reason you're staying is fear:
Fear of being alone
Fear you won't find anyone/anything else
Fear of starting over
Fear of disappointing others
Fear you're too old, too damaged, too much
Fear that this is "as good as it gets"
When you're settling, you're not actively choosing this situation—you're passively accepting it because the alternative terrifies you.
You've Lost Yourself
Settling often means abandoning your values, interests, goals, and identity to maintain the relationship or situation. You've become smaller, quieter, less yourself. You can't remember the last time you felt genuinely excited or alive.
The relationship might be stable, but you're disappearing inside it.
What Expecting Too Much Actually Looks Like
Expecting too much isn't about having standards—it's about demanding perfection, refusing reasonable compromise, or holding people to standards you don't meet yourself.
As a therapist, these are signs someone's expectations may be unrealistic:
You're Chasing an Impossible Checklist
You have a rigid list of requirements that no actual human could fulfill:
"They must be ambitious but always available, emotionally open but never needy, adventurous but homebodied, make six figures but not be career-obsessed, be my best friend but give me space, challenge me but never disagree..."
When your list of must-haves is longer than a CVS receipt, you might be expecting too much.
You're Rejecting People for Trivial Reasons
As a therapist, I see people end promising relationships because of minor, fixable, or purely aesthetic issues:
They chew too loudly
They don't like the same TV shows
They're three inches shorter than your ideal
They use the wrong emoji
They have a slightly annoying laugh
If you're discarding genuinely good people over things that don't actually matter to your happiness, you're likely being unrealistic.
You Expect Constant Happiness
You believe a good relationship or life should feel effortless, joyful, and perfect all the time. When it doesn't, you assume something is fundamentally wrong rather than accepting that life includes mundane moments, disagreements, stress, and seasons of difficulty.
Expecting someone to make you happy 24/7 is expecting too much. Humans can't sustain that.
You Want Them to Change Who They Are
You're attracted to the potential version of this person—who they could be if they just changed fundamental aspects of their personality, values, or life goals.
"They're perfect except they're not ambitious/don't want kids/are too social/are an introvert/have different political views..."
If you need them to become a different person, you're expecting too much from this particular person. You might be compatible with someone else, but not with who they actually are.
You Hold Double Standards
You expect things from others that you don't provide yourself:
Demanding emotional availability while staying closed off
Expecting total acceptance while being highly critical
Wanting spontaneity while being rigid with your own routines
Requiring patience while being impatient
Needing forgiveness while holding grudges
As a therapist, I notice that people who are expecting too much often have one set of standards for themselves and another, much higher set for everyone else.
You're Never Satisfied
No matter how much someone does, gives, or changes, it's never quite enough. There's always something more they should be doing, another way they're falling short.
If you chronically feel disappointed despite being with genuinely good people who care about you, the issue might be your expectations rather than their failures.
How to Find the Balance
The sweet spot between settling and expecting too much is called having healthy standards. Here's how to get there:
Identify Your Core Values
What actually matters to you? Not what should matter, or what matters to your parents, or what looks good on paper—what genuinely matters to you?
Core values might include: honesty, growth, adventure, stability, kindness, ambition, family, independence, creativity, spirituality, humor, intellect.
Your deal-breakers should align with your core values. Everything else is negotiable.
Distinguish Between Preferences and Requirements
Here are 3 separate categories:
Requirements: Non-negotiable needs for your wellbeing and happiness Preferences: Things you'd like but can be flexible about Bonuses: Nice to have but not necessary
Someone who shares your life goals, treats you with respect, and makes you feel safe = requirement
Someone who likes hiking = preference
Someone who loves the same obscure band = bonus
If you're treating preferences like requirements, you're being too rigid. If you're treating requirements like preferences, you're settling.
Check for Growth vs. Fundamental Change
Healthy relationships involve growth: both people becoming better versions of themselves. Expecting too much means demanding someone become a fundamentally different person.
Ask yourself: "Am I asking them to grow in their values and behaviors, or am I asking them to have different core traits, values, or life goals?"
"I need you to communicate more openly" = reasonable request for growth
"I need you to be an extrovert instead of an introvert" = unrealistic expectation
Notice Your Pattern
As a therapist, I pay attention to patterns:
If every relationship ends because "they weren't good enough," you might be expecting too much
If you consistently stay in situations that hurt you, you might be settling
If you're genuinely uncertain, you're probably in that healthy middle ground and just need clarity
Consider Whether You're Being Met Halfway
Healthy relationships involve mutual effort. Both people stretch toward each other. If you're doing all the accommodating, you're settling. If you expect all the accommodating, you're expecting too much.
Get Outside Perspective
People you trust will often see what you can't. If everyone in your life is telling you that you're in a good situation but you're miserable, you might be expecting too much. If everyone is concerned about how you're being treated, you might be settling.
Therapy can provide that objective perspective when you're too close to the situation to see clearly.
When This Question Needs Professional Support
If you're constantly agonizing over whether you're settling or expecting too much, that uncertainty itself is information. As a therapist, I see several underlying issues that create this confusion:
Childhood experiences: If you grew up watching adults settle for unhappy relationships, or conversely, watching someone abandon good situations chasing perfection, you might not have a healthy model.
Attachment wounds: Anxious attachment can make you settle out of fear of abandonment. Avoidant attachment can make you expect too much and flee at the first sign of imperfection.
Low self-worth: When you don't believe you deserve good things, you'll settle. When you're overcompensating for feeling unworthy, you might demand perfection.
Anxiety: Excessive worry can make every decision feel impossible and every choice potentially wrong.
Working with a therapist can help you understand your patterns, heal underlying wounds, and develop the clarity to make decisions aligned with your authentic needs.
For relationship-specific questions, couples therapy can help you and your partner determine whether you're facing normal relationship challenges or fundamental incompatibilities.
The Real Question to Ask Yourself
Instead of "Am I settling or expecting too much?" try asking: "Does this relationship/situation allow me to be my authentic self while also growing into who I want to become?"
If yes: You're probably not settling, and your expectations are reasonable.
If no: You need to determine why. Is it because:
You're with the wrong person/in the wrong situation (settling)
You're demanding perfection instead of accepting growth (expecting too much)
You don't know who your authentic self is (deeper work needed)
As a therapist, I've learned that the right relationship or life situation doesn't feel like settling or like you're expecting too much. It feels like coming home to yourself—where you're accepted as you are and challenged to grow, where you're met halfway, where imperfection is okay but mistreatment isn't.
You Deserve Clarity
If you're stuck in this question, you don't have to figure it out alone. At Sagebrush Counseling, we help people gain clarity about their relationships, values, and what they genuinely need to thrive.
Whether you're working through relationship questions, trying to understand your patterns, or simply need support making difficult decisions, we're here to help.
You deserve relationships and a life where you're neither settling nor chasing impossible perfection. You deserve the clarity to tell the difference.
Stop Wondering If You’re Asking for Too Much
You deserve relationships that feel steady, mutual, and safe. Together, we can explore what healthy expectations look like—without shame or confusion.
Schedule an Online Session Today (Texas Residents)References:
American Psychological Association. "Making Marriage Work." APA.org. https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-divorce/marriage-work
