Autism and Empathy in Relationships
Busting the Myth: Autistic People Do Feel Empathy
If you've ever heard that autistic people lack empathy, it’s time to toss that idea out for good.
Many autistic individuals experience deep, intense empathy—sometimes even more strongly than their neurotypical peers. The difference often lies in how it’s expressed, not whether it exists.
Some autistic folks:
Get emotionally flooded and shut down
Struggle to know what to say in the moment
Show care through actions rather than words
Need time to process before responding
If you're in a relationship with an autistic partner and feeling emotionally disconnected, you might not be witnessing a lack of empathy—just a different language of care.
Cognitive vs. Emotional Empathy: What’s the Difference?
Empathy isn’t a single skill. It's more like an umbrella with different types beneath it:
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand someone’s thoughts or emotional state (a.k.a. “putting yourself in someone’s shoes”).
Emotional empathy is feeling someone else's emotions in your own body.
Autistic individuals may experience one type more strongly than the other. For example, your partner might not always know how you feel in the moment (lower cognitive empathy), but if you tell them, they might feel it so strongly that they become overwhelmed themselves (high emotional empathy).
That combination can look confusing from the outside. But once both partners understand it, communication gets way easier.
The Double Empathy Problem: It Goes Both Ways
This is a big one—and it explains so much relationship confusion.
The Double Empathy Problem, coined by Dr. Damian Milton, suggests that miscommunication between autistic and non-autistic people is mutual. It’s not that one person lacks understanding—it’s that each person has a different framework for interpreting emotions, tone, and social cues.
So if you’ve ever thought:
“Why don’t they react when I cry?”
“Why do they change the subject when I’m upset?”
“Why don’t they pick up on my mood?”
It’s not about coldness—it’s about translation. Your emotional language might not match their neurotype.
And the same goes in reverse: when your autistic partner opens up about something vulnerable and you respond in a way that makes sense to you but not to them, they might feel just as unseen.
The solution? Curiosity over assumption. Compassion over correction.When Empathy Gets Overwhelming
Some autistic partners may feel too much and shut down as a way to cope.
When Empathy Gets Overwhelming
Some autistic people don’t have too little empathy—they have too much.
This can show up as:
Avoidance when someone is upset
Changing the subject or walking away
Seeming emotionally “blank” in moments of conflict
This isn’t heartlessness. It’s a shutdown response to emotional flooding. If your partner is struggling to stay present, it’s often because they feel so much that their nervous system goes into protection mode.
Think of it like sensory overload—but for emotions.
In these moments, space, grounding, and clear communication work better than pressure or probing. Ask them later what helps when emotions get big.
Why Empathy May Not Look “Romantic”
Sometimes, empathy doesn’t follow the expected script. If you’re hoping for warm eye contact, heartfelt reassurance, or perfectly timed hugs—you might be waiting for something that isn’t natural to your partner’s way of expressing care.
Instead, their empathy might look like:
Sending you articles or practical resources when you’re upset
Making you a snack or fixing something they know stresses you out
Researching your favorite hobby to connect with you
Sitting near you quietly when you don’t want to talk
These are acts of emotional labor. Even if they’re not traditional gestures, they still matter.
Scripts, Tools, and Time: Helping Empathy Flow More Freely
Empathy can be supported and strengthened—especially when partners:
Name their needs out loud instead of expecting them to be read
Use scripts to express care (e.g., “That sounds really hard. I’m here if you want to talk more.”)
Give processing time before expecting a response
Celebrate small wins when emotional connection deepens
Sometimes autistic partners feel like they “fail” at comforting their loved one—not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how. Working together to create tools, phrases, and rituals that feel safe can build emotional closeness over time.
When Empathy Goes Both Ways: Neurotypical Partners Have Work to Do, Too
Let’s flip the script for a second.
If you’re the neurotypical partner, you might be used to focusing on how you feel unseen, unsupported, or confused by your partner’s emotional responses.
But ask yourself:
Do I assume my partner is cold or uncaring just because they respond differently?
Do I give them space to regulate before expecting connection?
Am I willing to learn their emotional language, just as I want them to learn mine?
Relationships go both ways. And mutual empathy isn’t about getting it perfect—it’s about staying in the room when things feel hard.
Building a Bridge: How to Meet Each Other with Compassion
Empathy isn’t a performance. It’s a process.
For neurodiverse couples, empathy might not always come naturally—but it can absolutely grow when both partners feel:
Emotionally safe
Free to express themselves without judgment
Accepted for who they are—not how closely they match neurotypical standards
You don’t have to speak the same emotional language right away. You just have to be willing to translate for each other.
That’s what love looks like in a neurodiverse relationship: not perfect harmony, but a shared effort to understand, support, and stay connected—even when the wiring is different.
Want to Strengthen Emotional Connection in a Neurodiverse Relationship?
At Sagebrush Counseling, we help couples unpack misunderstandings, reframe emotional expression, and develop tools that actually work for your unique dynamic. Whether you’re autistic, ADHD, or neurotypical—we create a space where all ways of caring are valid.You don’t need to mask your feelings here. Let’s help you both feel seen.
