Can a Narcissist Really Change?
What therapy, research, and real life tell us
It’s a question that comes up all the time in therapy—usually from someone who’s feeling stuck, confused, and exhausted from trying to make a relationship work.
Maybe you’re dating someone who always needs to be right.
Maybe you have a parent who makes every conversation about them.
Maybe you’re wondering if you have some narcissistic traits you’re trying to work through.
And now you're asking the big one:
Can a narcissist actually change?
Or are they wired to stay exactly the same forever?
Let’s talk honestly about what narcissism is, what change actually looks like, and why it’s not a simple yes or no.
First, Let’s Clear Something Up: Not All Narcissism Is the Same
There’s a big difference between narcissistic traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Narcissistic traits are common and can show up in anyone—especially under stress, during certain life stages, or after unresolved trauma. These traits might include defensiveness, lack of empathy, a need for control, or image-consciousness.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a more persistent and rigid set of traits that significantly impact relationships, emotional regulation, and sense of self. NPD isn’t just about being “self-centered”—it often involves a deep fear of vulnerability, fragile self-esteem, and manipulative behavior.
Both can be painful to experience or live with—but not all people with narcissistic traits are beyond help. Change is possible. But it’s not easy.
What Keeps a Narcissist From Changing?
Let’s be real: most people don’t change just because someone asks them to. That goes double for narcissism, which often includes layers of denial, blame, and emotional avoidance.
Here are a few reasons it’s hard for someone with narcissistic traits to change:
They don’t see the problem. From their perspective, the issue is always external—you, work stress, other people’s “drama.”
Vulnerability feels dangerous. Real change requires facing deep emotional pain or insecurity, which many narcissistic individuals are terrified of.
They’re getting something out of staying the same. If control, admiration, or detachment is keeping them emotionally safe, they may resist giving that up.
Their self-worth is tied to being “right” or in control. Taking accountability can feel like an identity crisis.
So, yes—there are a lot of roadblocks. But that doesn’t mean change is off the table.
So… Can a Narcissist Change?
The short answer? Yes—but only if they want to.
Change is possible, but it takes:
A willingness to take responsibility for their behavior
A genuine desire to grow, not just to avoid consequences
Long-term therapeutic support
The ability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without lashing out or shutting down
People with narcissistic traits can develop more empathy, regulate their emotions better, and build healthier relationships—but only if they’re willing to be uncomfortable, honest, and consistent in the work.
What Change Actually Looks Like
A narcissist doesn’t become “healed” overnight. It’s not about flipping a switch and suddenly becoming emotionally attuned, humble, and supportive.
Here’s what real change looks like in someone working through narcissistic traits:
They stop blaming everyone else for their emotions
They begin asking questions instead of dominating the conversation
They can sit with feedback—even if it stings
They start recognizing how their actions impact others
They apologize and take responsibility without excuses
They’re open to therapy—not to “fix” others, but to work on themselves
It’s not flashy. It’s not perfect. But it’s real.
But What If They Say They’re Changing?
Words are easy. Promises are easy. Real change is measured over time.
If someone says they’re “working on themselves” but keeps repeating the same harmful patterns, breaking boundaries, or using therapy language as a way to manipulate—that’s not change. That’s performative self-awareness.
Here’s what to look for instead:
Are they willing to acknowledge their past behavior—without being defensive?
Do you feel emotionally safer around them over time?
Are they open to outside help (like therapy or coaching)?
Are they consistent, not just on good days?
If the answer is no, it might be time to reevaluate how much hope you’re holding onto—and whether it’s helping or hurting you.
What If You Have Narcissistic Traits?
Here’s the good news: if you’re asking this question, you probably already have the self-awareness that many narcissistic folks resist.
You’re not a bad person. You’re a human who’s likely learned some survival patterns that helped once—but don’t serve you now. Traits like defensiveness, emotional control, perfectionism, or needing to always be “right” are often rooted in pain.
And yes—you can absolutely grow. It starts with:
Getting curious, not judgmental
Naming your patterns and owning the impact
Learning to sit with discomfort (instead of numbing or controlling)
Practicing empathy and active listening
Letting go of the idea that love has to be earned or controlled
Therapy can help tremendously with this. So can mindfulness, relational repair work, and a whole lot of humility.
Can a Relationship with a Narcissist Work?
This depends on a few things:
Are they actively working on themselves—with outside help and accountability?
Do they respect your boundaries?
Can they tolerate not being in control 100% of the time?
Do you feel emotionally safe with them—not just occasionally, but consistently?
If the answer is no, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you’re recognizing your worth.
You can love someone and still decide not to stay in a dynamic that’s slowly draining you. You can have compassion for someone and still choose you.
Final Thoughts: Change Is Possible—But It Has to Be Chosen
At Sagebrush Counseling, we believe in the possibility of growth—for individuals, couples, and families. But that growth can’t be forced. It can’t be begged for. And it can’t come at the cost of your own mental health.
If you’re holding onto hope that a narcissistic person in your life will change, ask yourself:
Am I seeing real, consistent shifts—or just empty promises?
What do I need in this relationship to feel safe and loved?
Am I waiting for someone else to change while abandoning myself in the process?
You deserve relationships that feel mutual, steady, and kind. Whether that means giving someone a chance to grow—or giving yourself permission to walk away—that choice belongs to you.
Need support navigating a narcissistic relationship—or healing your own patterns?
We’re here to help. At Sagebrush Counseling, we work with individuals and couples to untangle toxic dynamics, rebuild emotional safety, and explore what real change looks like. Reach out here to start your journey.
Can a Narcissist Change for the Right Person?
This is a question that comes up a lot—and honestly, it’s understandable. We all want to believe that love has the power to bring out the best in someone. And maybe you’ve thought: “If I just love them enough, support them enough, maybe they’ll finally change.”
But here’s the truth—said with all the kindness in the world:
People don’t change because of someone else. They change because they want to.
Sure, being with a caring, emotionally grounded partner can inspire growth. It can help someone feel safe enough to look inward. But if they’re only changing to keep you around, or because they feel pressure to “be better,” that change usually doesn’t last.
Real growth—especially when we’re talking about narcissistic traits—takes a lot more than just the right relationship. It takes self-awareness, emotional discomfort, accountability, and a willingness to do the hard work, day after day.
So if you’re wondering, “Can a narcissist change for the right person?”
Try flipping it: Are they willing to change for themselves—even if no one’s watching, even if you’re not there to hold their hand?
Because as much as love can be a catalyst, it can’t do the work for them. And it’s not your job to carry someone else’s growth on your back.
You deserve to be in a relationship where love isn’t a performance or a project—it’s a place to land, not a mountain to climb.
