Can Attachment Styles Change After Cheating?

When cheating happens in a relationship, it doesn’t just create pain—it shakes the very foundation of how we connect. Many people wonder: Can my attachment style actually change because of betrayal? The short answer is yes. While our attachment tendencies often form early in life, major relational ruptures like infidelity can intensify, shift, or even reshape the way we relate to partners.

Struggling With the Aftermath of Cheating?

Betrayal can shake your sense of safety and shift your attachment style. Couples counseling offers a way to understand these changes and begin building trust again.

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Why Cheating Impacts Attachment So Deeply

Attachment styles are about safety and connection. Cheating is, at its core, a breach of trust, so it directly challenges the sense of security that keeps us grounded in relationships. Even someone who has always felt secure can begin to second-guess, withdraw, or cling more tightly after betrayal. For those already prone to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns, cheating often pushes these tendencies to the forefront.

How Attachment Styles May Shift After Infidelity

Anxious Attachment After Cheating

If you typically feel anxious in relationships, cheating can confirm your deepest fears of abandonment. You may find yourself becoming more preoccupied, constantly checking for signs of distance, or needing reassurance in ways that feel overwhelming. Learn more in Anxious Attachment After Betrayal.

Avoidant Attachment After Cheating

For avoidantly attached partners, cheating may reinforce the belief that closeness is dangerous. You might retreat, shut down, or convince yourself that you don’t need anyone. This reaction may protect you in the short term, but it can keep you from repairing or building trust again. Explore this more in Avoidant Attachment After Betrayal.

Disorganized Attachment After Cheating

Disorganized attachment can feel like being pulled in two directions at once. After cheating, you may desperately want connection but also feel terrified of being hurt again. This push-pull dynamic is exhausting and painful—for both you and your partner. Read more in Disorganized Attachment After Betrayal.

Secure Attachment After Cheating

Even secure partners can be shaken by infidelity. While you may have stronger tools for processing emotions and seeking support, you can still experience doubt, mistrust, and hurt. The difference is that secure partners are more likely to turn toward repair rather than away from the relationship. Learn more in Secure Attachment After Betrayal.

Can Therapy Help You Regain Security?

Yes. While betrayal can temporarily shift your attachment style in painful ways, couples therapy (especially Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT) helps partners recognize what’s happening beneath the surface. Instead of staying stuck in patterns of blame, EFT allows each person to voice their fears, longings, and attachment needs in new ways.

Over time, this work can help anxious partners feel calmer, avoidant partners feel safer opening up, and disorganized partners find steadiness. Even secure partners can rebuild confidence in the bond.

Why Attachment Styles Aren’t Fixed

It’s easy to think of attachment styles as permanent traits, but they’re more like patterns we fall into when we’re trying to stay safe. Cheating can shake those patterns and bring out fears we didn’t even know were there. You might find yourself clinging when you’ve never been that way before, or pulling away even though part of you longs to connect. The encouraging piece is that attachment isn’t set in stone. With the right support, couples can move back toward security—and often build a stronger, more intentional bond than they had before.

What Makes Some People More Resilient After Cheating?

Not everyone experiences betrayal in the same way. For some, it completely knocks the wind out of them. For others, it still hurts deeply but they find steadier footing more quickly. Why the difference? A lot comes down to support and history. If you’ve had secure connections in the past, or you have people around you who can hold space for your pain, you may feel more grounded as you work through the betrayal. Another key factor is how your partner responds. When they take responsibility and show consistent effort, your attachment system can start to calm, making it easier to trust again.

More reading: Why Individual Counseling Matters If You’re the One Who Cheated

More reading: Individual Counseling for the Partner Who Was Cheated On

Can Cheating Create a More Secure Attachment Later?

It may feel strange to think about, but sometimes couples come out of betrayal with a deeper, healthier connection. Why? Because the rupture forces conversations that may have been avoided for years—about needs, intimacy, communication, and trust. When couples use this crisis as a turning point, they can learn to be more honest and vulnerable with each other. The hurt doesn’t disappear, but it can be transformed into something that strengthens the relationship rather than ending it.

The Role of Individual Counseling After Betrayal

Couples therapy is powerful for rebuilding trust, but sometimes you also need space to sort through your own emotions without your partner in the room. Individual counseling gives you a chance to untangle grief, anger, or confusion in a safe place. It can also help you see your attachment patterns more clearly, so you can step back into the relationship with more calm and clarity. When individual and couples work are combined, the healing process often feels more balanced and sustainable. Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. Betrayal may disrupt the way you connect, but with intentional repair, it’s possible to move back toward security.

Not Sure Where to Begin?

Whether you need space to process individually or want to heal together, therapy can help you move from hurt to healing.

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FAQ: Attachment, Cheating, and Healing

Can cheating really change my attachment style?

It can. Betrayal often stirs up our deepest fears about closeness and trust. Someone who usually feels secure might suddenly second-guess everything, while someone with anxious or avoidant tendencies may find those patterns becoming stronger. The shifts don’t mean you’re “broken”—they’re a natural response to pain.

Will I always feel this way after being cheated on?

No. While betrayal can leave a lasting imprint, attachment patterns are not fixed. With support, self-awareness, and safe connection, it’s possible to move back toward security and even feel stronger than before.

What if my partner and I react completely differently?

That’s very common. One partner may want to talk about the betrayal constantly, while the other wants to avoid the topic. These differences can make you feel even more distant, but they’re usually just attachment patterns playing out. Therapy helps both partners understand the “why” behind their reactions and learn healthier ways to reach for each other.

Can trust actually be rebuilt?

Yes, though it takes time and intention. Trust grows in small steps: honest conversations, consistent follow-through, and emotional openness. Couples therapy can guide you through this process so you’re not trying to navigate it alone.

Should I go to therapy alone or with my partner?

Both can be helpful. Individual counseling gives you space to sort through your own feelings and triggers, while couples counseling helps you rebuild the bond together. Many people find that doing both creates the most solid foundation for healing.