What It’s Like to Be a High-Masking Autistic Woman

If you’ve ever thought:

• “I feel like I’m constantly performing…”

• “No one sees how hard I’m working just to act ‘normal.’”

• “I blend in so well that even I don’t know who I really am anymore…”

You’re not alone. And you might be part of a growing group of people discovering they’re autistic — but have been masking for so long, it went undetected.

Especially among women, girls, and AFAB folks, autism often flies under the radar. And when it does show up, it’s not always the version the world expects.

Let’s talk about it.

What Does “High Masking” Mean?

Masking is the act of consciously (or unconsciously) hiding autistic traits to appear more socially “acceptable.” It can include:

• Forcing eye contact

• Copying facial expressions or tone

• Memorizing social scripts

• Suppressing stimming behaviors

• Pretending to understand jokes or conversations

• Smiling, nodding, laughing — even when you’re overwhelmed or confused

And for many autistic women, masking isn’t just something they do in public.
It becomes how they survive.

Why It’s Especially Common in Women

Autism has long been underdiagnosed in women, in part because:

• Girls are socialized to please, adapt, and mimic from a young age

• Many autistic women are highly verbal, empathetic, and emotionally attuned — even as they struggle internally

• They often develop people-pleasing, perfectionistic, or caregiving behaviors that hide their distress

• Their “meltdowns” may look more like shutdowns, fatigue, or internal overwhelm

• Their special interests are often socially acceptable (books, animals, fashion, psychology, etc.) and overlooked as autistic traits

In short: autistic women often go undiagnosed because they’re too good at hiding it.

What Masking Feels Like Day to Day

For high-masking autistic women, daily life can feel like:

• Being "on stage" constantly, even in safe spaces

• Performing confidence while feeling anxious or confused

• Feeling utterly drained after socializing

• Smiling when you're melting down inside

• Overthinking every interaction — even hours later

• Struggling with identity because you’ve spent years trying to be what others needed

And eventually, this masking leads to autistic burnout — a deep exhaustion from constantly camouflaging who you are.

Common Signs You’re a High-Masking Autistic Woman

You might relate if:

• You’ve been called “high-functioning,” but feel like you're falling apart inside

• You’ve been misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, BPD, or OCD

• You feel a deep longing to “be yourself,” but don’t know who that is

• You mimic others’ behaviors and personalities without realizing it

• You feel disconnected from your own needs, preferences, and boundaries

• You get overstimulated easily (noises, lights, tags, crowds)

• You’ve always felt “on the outside,” even in relationships

• You struggle to rest, unmask, or relax — because masking is all you’ve ever known

Misdiagnosis & the “Too Smart, Too Sensitive” Pattern

Many autistic women have been told:

• “You’re just shy.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re just anxious. Stop overthinking everything.”

• “You’re smart — you’ll figure it out.”

But behind those comments? A lifetime of masking, shutdowns, and unmet sensory and emotional needs.

You’re not broken. You’re not dramatic. You’re not too much.
You’re autistic — and you’ve been surviving without support.

What Happens When You Finally Realize You’re Autistic?

It’s emotional. It’s validating. It’s also confusing.

You might feel:

• Relief (“Finally, there’s a name for this.”)

• Grief (“Why did no one see me?”)

• Anger (“I spent decades thinking I was the problem.”)

• Uncertainty (“Now what do I do with this information?”)

This is where working with a neurodivergent-affirming therapist can be life-changing. Because diagnosis is just one part of the journey — unmasking safely is another.

What Healing Might Look Like

You don’t have to throw away your whole life to stop masking.
You just get to come home to yourself — gently.

That might look like:

• Creating sensory-safe spaces

• Learning to say no without guilt

• Building a wardrobe that actually feels good on your skin

• Cutting down on social interactions that leave you overstimulated

• Letting yourself stim, fidget, or retreat

• Surrounding yourself with people who don’t need you to pretend

This is about unmasking at your own pace, in your own way.
Not to perform authenticity — but to reclaim it.

If this post felt like someone finally put words to your inner experience… welcome.

There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not failing at being human.
You’ve just spent years surviving in a world that wasn’t built for your wiring.

Being autistic — especially as a high-masking woman — comes with unique challenges. But it also comes with deep insight, creativity, sensitivity, and strength.

You deserve support that honors all of that — without asking you to change who you are.

How to Start Unmasking as an Autistic Woman

Unmasking doesn’t mean suddenly revealing every part of yourself all at once.
It’s not about burning bridges, over-explaining, or trying to prove your neurodivergence.

It’s about building safety — inside yourself and in your relationships — to start showing up more honestly.

Here’s what unmasking might look like in real life:

• Not forcing eye contact when it’s uncomfortable — and allowing yourself to look away or stim without shame

• Speaking up when you’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, or done peopling — instead of pushing through to please others

• Wearing clothes that feel good to you, even if they’re not considered “put together” by neurotypical standards

• Dropping the scripts in relationships and testing out what it’s like to say, “I actually don’t have the energy for that right now” or “I’m not sure how to respond, but I’m listening.”

• Letting yourself be “too much” or “too quiet” without apologizing

Unmasking takes time. You might unmask in some spaces and still need to mask in others. That’s okay. You’re not failing — you’re choosing your energy and your safety with intention.

And the more you practice unmasking — even in tiny moments — the more you begin to trust your own rhythms again.

Journal Prompts for Gentle Unmasking

If you’re just beginning to explore what it means to unmask, these reflective prompts can help you tune into your inner experience — not who you think you need to be.

Take your time. There’s no rush to figure it all out.

• What parts of myself do I feel like I can only express when I’m alone?

• When in my day do I feel the most like I’m “performing”?

• Who are the people I feel safest being my full self around? Why?

• What sensory experiences bring me comfort, calm, or joy?

• What do I wish I could say “no” to — without guilt?

• What’s one small way I could make today more comfortable for me, not for others?

• What does “authenticity” mean to me — and what fears come up around it?

Remember: Unmasking is not about proving anything to anyone. It’s about slowly reconnecting to the parts of you that were always there — waiting to be honored, not hidden.

Therapy Can Help

I work with high-masking autistic women who are ready to explore their identity, reduce burnout, and start unmasking in safe, supported ways.

📅 [Click here to schedule a session] or [reach out if you’re curious but not sure where to start].
You don’t have to keep pretending.
You get to feel seen — and supported — as your real self.