How to Know Your Needs with ADHD: A Guide to Self-Discovery
Moving beyond "I should want this" to "I actually need this" – a journey every ADHDer deserves to take
"I don't even know what I need anymore," is a common way of thinking or "I know what I should need – to be more organized, to sit still in meetings, to remember things without writing them down. But when I try to do those things, I just feel... wrong."
This conversation happens in my office more often than you might think. Adults with ADHD often come to therapy knowing exactly what they think they should want (usually based on neurotypical standards), but feeling completely disconnected from their actual needs. It's like trying to navigate with someone else's compass – you'll keep ending up in the wrong place, wondering why nothing feels right.
After years of working with ADHD clients, I've learned that discovering your authentic needs isn't just helpful – it's revolutionary. It's the difference between constantly fighting against your brain and finally working with it.
Other reading material: Why ADHD Makes “No” So Hard From Overthinking to Action: ACT Tools for ADHD Choices
Why ADHD Makes Self-Awareness Tricky
Before we get into strategies, let's acknowledge why this is particularly challenging for ADHD brains. It's not that you're not self-aware – it's that ADHD creates unique barriers to understanding your internal experience.
The Executive Function Paradox
ADHD affects executive function, which includes self-monitoring – essentially, your brain's ability to observe itself. It's like trying to use a microscope to look at the microscope. This means you might not notice patterns in your own behavior, energy levels, or emotional responses that would be obvious to outside observers.
The Masking Effect
Many adults with ADHD, especially those diagnosed later in life, have developed sophisticated masking strategies. You've learned to appear neurotypical in various settings, which often means suppressing your natural ADHD responses and needs.
The problem? When you mask for years, you can lose touch with what you actually need versus what you think you should need. It's like wearing someone else's clothes for so long that you forget what fits you comfortably.
The Emotional Dysregulation Factor
ADHD often involves challenges with emotional regulation, which can make it difficult to distinguish between needs and feelings. When everything feels intense, how do you separate "I need a break" from "I'm having big feelings about this situation"?
Untangling Needs from "Shoulds"
The first step in knowing your needs is learning to distinguish them from the "shoulds" that have likely been accumulating in your mind for years.
What Needs Actually Are
Untangling Needs from "Shoulds"
The first step in knowing your needs is learning to distinguish them from the "shoulds" that have likely been accumulating in your mind for years.
What Needs Actually Are
Real needs aren't moral judgments or aspirational goals. They're the conditions that allow your specific brain to function optimally. Think of them as your brain's user manual – not what would be nice to have, but what's actually required for you to operate effectively.
For example, needing to move while thinking isn't a character flaw to overcome. It's information about how your brain processes best. The person who discovered they think more clearly during walking meetings wasn't being difficult – they were honoring their neurobiology.
The "Should" Audit
I often start with what I call a "should audit" with my clients. We list all the things they think they should want or need, then examine where these expectations came from.
Common ADHD "shoulds" include:
"I should be able to focus for hours without breaks"
"I should remember things without writing them down"
"I should find organization systems motivating"
"I should be able to work in quiet, traditional office spaces"
"I should enjoy routine and predictability"
Notice how none of these account for how ADHD brains actually work? They're all based on neurotypical functioning patterns.
Tuning Into Your Internal Experience
Learning to recognize your needs starts with developing what I call "internal attunement" – the ability to notice and interpret your body's and brain's signals.
The Energy Audit Technique
Start paying attention to your energy patterns throughout the day. ADHD brains have unique rhythms that don't always align with standard schedules. You might discover:
Your peak focus time is 10 PM, not 10 AM
You need intense physical movement to reset your attention
Certain types of tasks drain you much faster than others
You think better with background noise than in silence
I had someone track their energy for two weeks and discover that their most productive hours were between 9 PM and midnight – completely opposite to what they'd been trying to force with morning routines that never worked.
The Comfort Zone Exploration
Your comfort zone isn't about being lazy – it's data about optimal conditions for your brain. Instead of pushing against it, try exploring it with curiosity.
When do you feel most like yourself? What environments make you feel calm and capable? What types of interactions energize versus drain you? These aren't weaknesses to overcome; they're specifications for your optimal operating conditions.
Body Signal Recognition
ADHD brains often struggle with interoception – awareness of internal body signals. This makes it harder to notice things like:
When you're getting overwhelmed before you hit a crisis point
What hunger actually feels like (versus emotional eating triggers)
When you need to move versus when you need to rest
The difference between being understimulated and overstimulated
Learning to recognize these signals takes practice, but it's crucial for meeting your needs proactively rather than reactively.
Practical Strategies for Need Identification
The Weekly Needs Review
Every Sunday, spend 15 minutes reviewing the week with these questions:
When did I feel most energized and capable?
When did I feel most drained or frustrated?
What conditions were present during my best moments?
What was I trying to force that didn't work?
Look for patterns across multiple weeks. Your needs will start to emerge from the data.
The Support System Assessment
Look at your relationships and support systems through the lens of your ADHD needs:
Who accepts your ADHD traits without trying to fix them?
Who offers the right kind of accountability (supportive, not shaming)?
Who understands that your needs might be different from theirs?
Sometimes we think we need to change ourselves when we actually need to change our environment or support system.
The Accommodation Experiment
Try implementing small accommodations and notice the impact:
Use noise-canceling headphones in the office for a week
Schedule buffer time between meetings
Try body doubling for difficult tasks
Experiment with different work locations
The accommodations that feel like relief rather than luxury are telling you something important about your needs.
Common ADHD Need Categories
While everyone's needs are individual, I've noticed some common patterns among adults with ADHD:
Movement and Sensory Needs
Regular physical movement throughout the day
Fidget tools or outlets during focus tasks
Sensory regulation tools (weighted blankets, noise control, lighting adjustments)
Permission to move while thinking or listening
Attention and Focus Needs
Shorter work blocks with breaks rather than marathon sessions
Variety in tasks and environments
Clear priorities when everything feels urgent
External structure and accountability
Emotional Regulation Needs
Processing time after intense experiences
Safe spaces to express big emotions
Understanding from others about emotional intensity
Strategies for managing overwhelm before it becomes crisis
Social and Communication Needs
Direct, clear communication rather than hints
Permission to ask clarifying questions
Understanding about rejection sensitivity
Relationships that allow for authentic expression
When Your Needs Conflict with Others' Expectations
This is where it gets tricky. What happens when your authentic needs bump up against other people's expectations or workplace requirements?
The Art of Need Communication
Learning to advocate for your needs without over-explaining or apologizing is a skill. Instead of "I'm sorry, I know this is weird, but..." try "I work most effectively when..." or "I need this accommodation to do my best work."
Finding Creative Solutions
Sometimes meeting your needs requires creative problem-solving rather than changing everything about your environment. The person who needed movement to think well started taking phone calls while walking outside. The one who needed variety in their work started rotating between different projects throughout the day.
Setting Boundaries Around Your Needs
Your needs aren't negotiable – they're requirements for your wellbeing and effectiveness. This doesn't mean being inflexible, but it does mean recognizing that consistently ignoring your needs leads to burnout, anxiety, and decreased performance.
The Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery
Understanding your needs isn't a one-time revelation – it's an ongoing process that evolves as you grow and as your life circumstances change. What you needed in your twenties might be different from what you need now. What works in one job might not work in another.
The goal isn't to figure out your needs once and be done. It's to develop the ongoing capacity to tune into yourself, experiment with different approaches, and adjust your strategies as needed.
Building Your Personal Needs Assessment
Consider creating your own personal assessment tool:
What conditions allow me to do my best work?
What relationships support my authentic self?
What environments help me feel regulated and capable?
What accommodations make the biggest difference in my daily functioning?
Review and update this regularly. Your needs matter, and understanding them is the foundation for building a life that actually works for your ADHD brain.
Moving Forward with Compassion
If you're reading this and realizing you've been trying to meet everyone else's idea of what you should need while ignoring your actual needs, please be gentle with yourself. This realization isn't a failure – it's the beginning of a much more sustainable and satisfying way of living.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that discovering and honoring your needs isn't selfish – it's essential. When you work with your ADHD brain instead of against it, you don't just survive; you thrive.
Your needs are valid. Your brain works differently, and that's not something to fix or overcome. It's something to understand, accommodate, and work with. The world needs your unique contributions, and you can only offer those when you're operating from a place of understanding and supporting your authentic needs.
Remember: figuring out what you need isn't a luxury or an indulgence. It's the foundation for everything else you want to accomplish. Start there, and everything else becomes more possible.
If you're struggling to identify and meet your needs as an adult with ADHD, therapy can provide invaluable support in this journey of self-discovery. Our therapists understand the unique challenges of ADHD and can help you develop strategies that honor your neurodivergent brain.
For more information about ADHD accommodations in the workplace, the Job Accommodation Network offers excellent resources for both employees and employers.
This blog post is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care.
