How to Talk About Sex Again After a Long Dry Spell
Because it doesn’t have to stay awkward forever.
Let’s be honest—if sex has been off the table for a while, talking about it can feel… weird. Maybe even intimidating. You don’t want to make it worse, start a fight, or make your partner feel bad. So instead? You say nothing. And the silence grows.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. So many couples come into therapy saying some version of:
“We used to be really physical, but it just… stopped.”
“We haven’t talked about sex in years.”
“I want to reconnect, but I don’t know how to bring it up.”
First—take a deep breath. A sexual dry spell doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. But it can be a sign that your connection needs care. And that starts with a conversation.
This post is here to help you gently reopen the door to intimacy—without pressure, shame, or awkwardness that lingers longer than your last attempt at dirty talk.
Why Does Sex Sometimes Disappear?
Sex doesn’t just stop for no reason. It’s usually a slow drift, not a sudden drop. And there are often very understandable reasons why it happens:
Chronic stress or burnout
Depression, anxiety, or medication side effects
Resentment or emotional distance
Parenting or caretaking exhaustion
Past trauma that hasn’t been processed
Body image struggles or hormonal changes
Relationship ruptures (like betrayal or infidelity)
Feeling like you're not emotionally seen or heard
If you’ve been through a hard season, it makes sense that sex might’ve fallen off the radar. That doesn’t mean desire is gone forever—or that the two of you can’t find your way back.
Why Talking About It Feels So Awkward
Sex is vulnerable. It taps into our deepest insecurities, desires, and fears—especially if you’ve felt rejected or disconnected in the past. For many people, bringing it up feels like:
Admitting failure
Risking rejection
Opening up a can of worms
Saying “I’m not satisfied” when you don’t want to hurt feelings
So we avoid it. We hope things just naturally “pick back up” one day. But avoidance almost always leads to more disconnection—not less.
You’re Not Alone in This
Let me just say this: dry spells are normal. What matters most isn’t how long it’s been—it’s how open and safe the two of you feel talking about it.
You don’t have to go from zero to sixty overnight. You just need a place to begin again.
So let’s talk about how.
1. Start With Curiosity, Not Blame
Try something like:
“I’ve been thinking about how we used to be more physical, and I miss that part of us. I wonder how you’ve been feeling about it?”
Or:
“Can we talk about intimacy sometime soon? Not to put pressure on anything—I just want us to feel close again.”
Avoid jumping in with “We never have sex anymore” or “Why don’t you want me?” Those openings usually shut the conversation down before it starts.
2. Normalize the Drift
Naming that dry spells happen can take the shame out of it.
You might say:
“I know things have been busy/stressful/lonely lately, and I imagine that’s affected how connected we feel physically.”
It shifts the conversation from “something’s wrong with us” to “we’ve been through a lot and we’re in this together.”
3. Don’t Make It About Performance—Make It About Connection
This isn’t about getting sex “back on track” like it’s a chore to fix. It’s about emotional closeness, feeling wanted, and creating safety to be vulnerable again.
Try asking:
What does intimacy look like for you now?
Are there ways you’ve been craving closeness that aren’t sexual?
What used to feel good for you that you might want again—or differently?
4. Let Desire Be Rebuilt, Not Demanded
Desire doesn’t usually come from pressure—it comes from feeling safe, seen, and emotionally connected. That means small steps matter.
Cuddling on the couch. Holding hands. Checking in emotionally. Sharing a memory about when you first felt attracted to each other.
Those moments build intimacy. And intimacy builds desire.
5. If You’re Neurodivergent, Add This Layer
If you or your partner are neurodivergent (ADHD, autistic, AuDHD, etc.), there may be added layers to how you experience sex and touch.
You might need:
Clearer cues or consent conversations
More space around sensory overwhelm
Less spontaneous, more structured intimacy
Emotional regulation before you’re physically close
None of this means you’re “too complicated.” It just means you might need a more tailored path back to connection—and that’s absolutely valid.
6. Consider Talking to a Therapist Together
Sometimes the first safe conversation about sex happens in therapy. And that’s okay.
In couples therapy or sex therapy, you’ll have support in:
Naming the things that feel hard to say alone
Untangling shame, stress, and silence
Learning new ways to talk about sex without pressure
Creating a roadmap to rebuild your connection over time
Therapy doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you care enough to reconnect—with support, safety, and intention.
You’re Allowed to Miss This Part of Your Relationship
It’s okay if you miss the physical spark. It’s okay if it’s been a long time. You don’t need to wait for a “perfect moment” to talk about it—and you don’t have to do it alone.
Reigniting intimacy doesn’t mean going back to who you were. It means learning who you are now, together.
Want to Talk?
I offer virtual couples therapy and sex therapy across Texas—including support for neurodivergent couples, burnout recovery, and long-term partners navigating intimacy challenges.
No shame. No pressure. Just support for real people wanting real connection.
Reach out for a consultation—let’s talk about what’s next for your relationship.
