I'm Having an Affair and Falling in Love: What Now?
You never meant for this to happen. It was supposed to be just... whatever it was. But now you're in way deeper than you ever imagined, and everything feels like it's spinning out of control.
If you're reading this, you're probably sitting there feeling like your life just got turned completely upside down. Maybe you're staring at your phone after getting a text that made your heart race, or lying awake at 3 AM wondering how the hell you got here. Maybe you're feeling guilty and exhilarated and terrified all at the same time.
Look, I'm not here to judge you. I'm not going to lecture you about right and wrong—you already know the situation is complicated as hell. What I want to do is help you figure out what to do next, because right now you're probably feeling pretty lost.
The thing about affairs that develop into real feelings? They create some of the most emotionally complex situations humans can find themselves in. You're dealing with guilt, excitement, fear, love, shame, hope—sometimes all in the span of five minutes. It's exhausting, and it's confusing, and you probably feel like you can't talk to anyone about it.
More reading material: Can My Marriage Be Saved? Quiz
How Did You Even Get Here?
First off, affairs don't usually happen in happy, healthy relationships. I know that might sound obvious, but it's worth saying because a lot of people beat themselves up thinking they're just terrible people who couldn't control themselves.
Usually, there's been something missing or broken for a while—maybe you've been feeling disconnected from your partner, maybe you've been lonely, maybe you've been going through a rough patch and someone else made you feel seen and valued in a way you'd forgotten was possible.
That doesn't excuse the affair, but it explains it. And understanding how you got here is the first step in figuring out what to do about it.
Common Paths to Emotional Affairs
The Slow Burn: It started as friendship—a coworker, a neighbor, someone you met through mutual friends. You talked more and more, shared more and more, until one day you realized you were emotionally closer to them than to your partner.
The Escape Route: Your relationship at home was struggling—maybe you were fighting constantly, or maybe you'd grown apart and felt like roommates. This person made you feel alive again, attractive again, interesting again.
The Midlife Crisis: Whether you're actually middle-aged or not, you hit a point where you started questioning everything about your life. This affair feels like grabbing onto something real and exciting in a world that had started to feel boring and predetermined.
The Unmet Needs: Your partner couldn't or wouldn't meet certain emotional, physical, or intellectual needs, and this person fills those gaps perfectly. They get your sense of humor, they're interested in the same things, they make you feel understood.
The Attention Fix: You'd been feeling invisible or taken for granted, and suddenly someone sees you—really sees you—and thinks you're amazing. The attention is intoxicating.
Sound familiar? The specifics might be different, but there's usually some underlying issue that made you vulnerable to developing feelings for someone else.
You never meant for this to happen. It was supposed to be just... whatever it was. But now you're in way deeper than you ever imagined, and everything feels like it's spinning out of control.
The thing about affairs that develop into real feelings? They create some of the most emotionally complex situations humans can find themselves in. You're dealing with guilt, excitement, fear, love, shame, hope—sometimes all in the span of five minutes. It's exhausting, and it's confusing, and you probably feel like you can't talk to anyone about it.
How Did You Even Get Here?
First off, affairs don't usually happen in happy, healthy relationships. I know that might sound obvious, but it's worth saying because a lot of people beat themselves up thinking they're just terrible people who couldn't control themselves.
Usually, there's been something missing or broken for a while—maybe you've been feeling disconnected from your partner, maybe you've been lonely, maybe you've been going through a rough patch and someone else made you feel seen and valued in a way you'd forgotten was possible.
That doesn't excuse the affair, but it explains it. And understanding how you got here is the first step in figuring out what to do about it.
Common Paths to Emotional Affairs
The Slow Burn: It started as friendship—a coworker, a neighbor, someone you met through mutual friends. You talked more and more, shared more and more, until one day you realized you were emotionally closer to them than to your partner.
The Escape Route: Your relationship at home was struggling—maybe you were fighting constantly, or maybe you'd grown apart and felt like roommates. This person made you feel alive again, attractive again, interesting again.
The Midlife Crisis: Whether you're actually middle-aged or not, you hit a point where you started questioning everything about your life. This affair feels like grabbing onto something real and exciting in a world that had started to feel boring and predetermined.
The Unmet Needs: Your partner couldn't or wouldn't meet certain emotional, physical, or intellectual needs, and this person fills those gaps perfectly. They get your sense of humor, they're interested in the same things, they make you feel understood.
The Attention Fix: You'd been feeling invisible or taken for granted, and suddenly someone sees you—really sees you—and thinks you're amazing. The attention is intoxicating.
Sound familiar? The specifics might be different, but there's usually some underlying issue that made you vulnerable to developing feelings for someone else.
Why This Feels So Intense (And So Confusing)
Affairs that turn into real feelings create this perfect storm of brain chemistry that can feel absolutely overwhelming. Here's what's happening in your head and heart:
The Dopamine Rush
Your brain is getting hit with massive doses of dopamine every time you interact with this person. New love—especially forbidden new love—lights up the same reward pathways as cocaine. Literally. That's why everything feels so intense and why it's so hard to think clearly.
The Fantasy Factor
Because you can't be together all the time, your brain fills in the gaps with fantasy. You imagine what life would be like with this person, how happy you'd be, how perfect everything would be. The limited time you have together is usually the highlight reel—no mundane daily life, no fights about dishes or bills, just connection and excitement.
The Secrecy Amplifier
Having to hide the relationship makes everything feel more intense. The secret texts, the stolen moments, the risk—it all adds to the emotional charge. It's like your feelings are under pressure and everything gets amplified.
The Guilt-Excitement Cycle
You feel guilty about what you're doing, but you also feel more alive than you have in years. This creates this emotional rollercoaster where you're constantly swinging between shame and joy, which paradoxically makes the whole experience feel even more significant.
No wonder you feel like you're losing your mind.
The Hard Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
I know you probably just want someone to tell you what to do, but the truth is, only you can figure out what's right for your situation. But I can help you ask yourself the right questions:
About Your Current Relationship
Was your relationship in trouble before this affair started? Be honest. This didn't happen in a vacuum.
Have you actually tried to fix things with your partner? Or have you been checked out for a while and just going through the motions?
If this affair ended tomorrow, would you want to work on your relationship? Or would you still be looking for an exit?
Are there kids involved? This doesn't mean you have to stay, but it does mean the stakes are higher and the decisions are more complex.
About the Affair
Is this person actually available for a real relationship? Or are they married too, or otherwise unavailable?
Do you actually know this person in real life? Like, have you seen them sick, stressed, dealing with everyday problems? Or are you in love with the fantasy version?
How much of the attraction is about them specifically versus how they make you feel about yourself?
If you left your current relationship for this person, do you think it would actually work out? Remember, relationships that start with betrayal often struggle with trust issues.
About Yourself
What was missing in your life that this affair is filling? Attention? Excitement? Emotional connection? Physical intimacy?
Are you running away from your problems or toward something better?
Can you live with yourself if you continue this affair? What about if you end it? What about if you blow up your current life for it?
What kind of person do you want to be? This isn't about judgment—it's about integrity and whether your actions align with your values.
Your Options (None of Them Are Easy)
Okay, so here are your choices. They all suck in different ways, but you have to pick one:
Option 1: End the Affair, Work on Your Marriage
This means cutting off all contact with the other person—and I mean ALL contact. No "let's just be friends," no "one last conversation," no keeping the door cracked open. It has to be a clean break.
Then you need to decide whether to tell your partner about the affair. This is controversial—some therapists say always tell, others say it depends on the situation. If you choose not to tell, you have to live with that secret forever. If you do tell, you have to deal with the fallout and the work of rebuilding trust.
Either way, you need to figure out what was missing in your relationship and whether it can be fixed. This usually means couples therapy and a lot of hard conversations.
The upside: You preserve your family, your financial stability, your social circle. You might actually end up with a stronger relationship if you both do the work.
The downside: You're giving up someone you've fallen in love with. You might always wonder "what if." Your relationship might not be fixable. You might feel like you're settling.
Option 2: Leave Your Current Relationship, Pursue the Affair
This means being honest with your partner about wanting to end the relationship (you don't necessarily have to mention the affair), going through whatever legal/logistical process that involves, and then seeing if things work out with the other person.
The upside: You get to find out if this new love is real and lasting. You stop living a lie. You might end up genuinely happier.
The downside: You're blowing up your life for something that might not work out. You're hurting your partner and possibly your kids. You might lose friends, money, stability. The other person might not actually want a real relationship with you once it's not forbidden.
Option 3: Continue the Affair
This means keeping things as they are—staying in your relationship but continuing to see the other person on the side.
The upside: You get to have both—the stability of your current relationship and the excitement of the affair.
The downside: You're living a lie that will probably eat you alive from the inside. You're constantly at risk of being discovered. You're not fully present in either relationship. This rarely ends well for anyone involved.
Honestly? This option usually just delays the inevitable and makes everything messier when it eventually explodes.
The Reality Check You Probably Don't Want to Hear
Look, I know you're in love and everything feels intense and romantic and like this is your one chance at happiness. But I need to give you some perspective:
Affairs exist in a bubble. You never deal with normal relationship stress like bills, housework, sick kids, job stress, bad breath in the morning. Of course it feels perfect—you only see each other at your best.
The person you're in love with might not be who you think they are. You're seeing them in artificial circumstances. How do they handle conflict? Money stress? Family problems? You probably don't know.
Relationships that start with betrayal often struggle with trust. If they'll cheat with you, will they cheat on you? If you'll lie to your current partner, what's to stop you from lying to them?
The grass isn't always greener. That amazing connection you feel might be more about what was missing in your current relationship than about this specific person being your soulmate.
You might be using this affair to avoid dealing with your real problems. Instead of working on your relationship or leaving it honestly, you found a third option that feels easier in the moment but is actually way more complicated.
I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying it because I want you to make decisions based on reality, not just feelings.
What About Your Partner in All This?
I know you're focused on your own feelings right now, but your partner is probably sensing that something's off, even if they don't know what. They might be feeling:
Confused about why you seem distant or distracted
Worried that you don't seem happy in the relationship
Suspicious that something's going on
Hurt that you're pulling away from them
If You Decide to Come Clean
If you choose to tell your partner about the affair, here's how to do it in a way that gives your relationship the best chance of surviving:
Take full responsibility. Don't blame them, don't blame circumstances, don't make excuses. Own what you did.
Be prepared for their reaction. They might yell, cry, shut down, ask a million questions, want all the details, want no details. Let them react how they need to react.
Answer their questions honestly. If they want to know specifics, tell them. If they want to know why you did it, explain as best you can without making it sound like their fault.
Be patient with the process. Rebuilding trust takes time—often much longer than the person who cheated thinks it should take.
Get professional help. You're going to need a good couples therapist who specializes in infidelity. This isn't something you can work through on your own.
End all contact with the other person. And I mean ALL contact. Your partner needs to know that the affair is completely over.
How to End an Affair When You Don't Want To
If you decide to end the affair, it's going to suck. There's no way around that. Here's how to make it as clean as possible:
Do it completely and all at once. No gradual fade, no "let's just be friends," no "one last time." Rip the band-aid off.
Write a letter if you can't do it in person. Explain that you're ending things to work on your marriage. Don't leave room for interpretation.
Block them everywhere. Phone, social media, email, everything. If you work together, keep all interactions strictly professional.
Tell someone you trust what you're doing. Having accountability helps you stick to your decision.
Expect to grieve. You're losing someone you love. That's going to hurt, and that's normal.
Fill the space with something else. Throw yourself into fixing your relationship, pick up a hobby, exercise, whatever. Don't just sit there missing them.
Getting Professional Help
Honestly? Whatever you decide to do, you should probably talk to a therapist. This is complicated stuff, and trying to figure it out on your own is like trying to perform surgery on yourself.
A good therapist can help you:
Figure out what led to the affair in the first place
Understand your feelings and motivations
Work through guilt and shame
Make decisions that align with your values
Improve your communication skills
Process the grief if you end the affair
Rebuild your relationship if that's what you choose
Look for someone who specializes in infidelity and relationship issues. And be honest with them—they can't help you if you're not telling them the whole truth.
Whatever You Do, Do It with Integrity
Here's the thing I most want you to understand: there's no perfect solution here. Someone's going to get hurt no matter what you choose. But you can choose to handle this with integrity and honesty, or you can keep lying and make everything worse.
Integrity means:
Being honest about what you want and need
Taking responsibility for your choices
Not stringing people along
Making decisions based on your values, not just your feelings
Treating everyone involved with respect, even if it's hard
You can't undo what's already happened, but you can decide how to move forward in a way that you can live with.
Questions You're Probably Wrestling With
Q: Should I tell my partner about the affair? I'm terrified it will destroy everything.
A: This is probably the hardest question you're facing, and honestly, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Some things to consider: Are you planning to work on your marriage? Then honesty usually gives you the best foundation to rebuild from. Are you planning to leave anyway? You might spare them the extra pain of knowing. But here's the thing—living with that secret is going to eat you alive, and they probably already sense something's wrong. Most of the time, the truth eventually comes out anyway, and it's usually worse when they find out from someone else.
Q: How do I know if what I'm feeling is real love or just the excitement of doing something forbidden?
A: God, this is such a good question and so hard to answer when you're in the middle of it. The forbidden aspect definitely intensifies everything—it's like emotional cocaine. But some signs it might be more than just excitement: Do you genuinely care about this person's wellbeing even when it doesn't benefit you? Can you imagine boring, everyday life with them? Do you want to know them on a deeper level, or are you mostly focused on how they make you feel? The honest answer is you probably won't know for sure until the forbidden aspect is removed, which is part of what makes this so complicated.
Q: My marriage has been dead for years. Does that make the affair less wrong?
A: I get why you're asking this—you're looking for some way to feel less guilty about what's happening. And yeah, context matters. If your marriage has been over in all but name for years, that's different than cheating on someone you're happily married to. But here's the thing: if your marriage was really over, the honest thing would have been to end it before starting something with someone else. The affair might be a symptom of bigger problems, but it's also a choice you made. You can understand why you made that choice without pretending it was the right one.
Q: What if the person I'm having an affair with is also married? Does that change things?
A: Oh honey, that makes everything so much more complicated. Now you're both potentially destroying two families instead of one. If they're willing to cheat on their spouse with you, what does that say about their character? And what happens if their spouse finds out—are you prepared for that fallout? Also, if you both left your spouses, would you ever be able to trust each other? You'd both know the other is capable of betrayal. I'm not saying it can't work, but the odds are really not in your favor.
Q: I've tried to end it multiple times but I keep going back. What's wrong with me?
A: Nothing's wrong with you! Affairs create this intense addiction-like cycle in your brain. You're literally dealing with withdrawal symptoms when you try to stop—anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, physical cravings. It's like trying to quit smoking, except the cigarettes text you back and tell you they love you. You need to treat this like breaking an addiction: complete no-contact, accountability, probably professional help, and finding other ways to meet whatever needs this affair was filling. Going back and forth just makes it harder on everyone.
Q: My partner and I barely talk anymore. How can I work on a relationship that feels completely dead?
A: Yeah, this is the brutal reality check—sometimes relationships die slowly and neither person wants to admit it. But before you assume it's unfixable, have you actually tried to fix it? Like, really tried? Couples therapy, honest conversations about what's not working, making an effort to reconnect? If you haven't put in that effort, you owe it to yourself and your partner to try. If you have tried everything and it's still dead, then maybe the honest thing is to end it. But don't use the affair as an excuse to avoid doing the hard work of figuring out if your marriage is actually salvageable.
Q: How do I deal with the guilt?
A: The guilt is brutal, isn't it? It's like carrying around this heavy secret that affects everything you do. Here's the thing about guilt—it's your conscience telling you that your actions don't align with your values. That's actually a good thing, even though it feels terrible. The guilt means you're not a sociopath; you know this situation isn't ideal. But you can't live in permanent guilt mode—it's not healthy and it doesn't help anyone. You need to either make changes to align your actions with your values, or accept that you're choosing to live with this contradiction for now. Either way, you need to process these feelings, probably with a therapist.
Q: What if I leave my spouse and the affair doesn't work out? I'll have destroyed my life for nothing.
A: This is the million-dollar question, isn't it? You're absolutely right that there are no guarantees. Relationships that start as affairs have a pretty high failure rate, partly because they begin with deception and fantasy, and partly because the circumstances are so artificial. But here's what I think you're really asking: Is it worth the risk? Only you can answer that. What I will say is this—don't leave your marriage FOR the affair. Leave it because you genuinely don't want to be married anymore. If the affair is meant to be, it'll still be there after you've honestly ended your current relationship. If it's not, then at least you're not stuck in a marriage you don't want to be in.
Resources and References
National Domestic Violence Hotline - Relationship support and safety resources
https://www.thehotline.orgAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy - Find qualified couples therapists
https://www.aamft.orgSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) - Mental health support services
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helplineNational Institute of Mental Health - Information on relationship and mental health
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-healthOffice on Women's Health - Relationship health and support resources
https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health
