In Love with Someone Married?
When Love Gets Complicated
Falling for someone who's already married can feel like you're stuck in the middle of a storm—one minute you're swept up in the intensity, the next you're drowning in guilt or confusion. You might be feeling everything all at once: desire, sadness, hope, shame. It’s a lot to carry.
If you're here, know this: you're not the only one who's been in this situation. At Sagebrush Counseling, we've helped many people work through the emotional fallout of loving someone who isn't fully available. You're not a bad person for feeling what you feel—but what you do next matters.
First, Let’s Talk About the Feelings You’re Having
You don’t have to beat yourself up for having feelings. Love doesn't always show up at the “right” time or with the “right” person. Sometimes it just… happens. The heart is messy like that.
But while it’s okay to feel, it’s also important to be honest about what those feelings are doing to you—and to others. Having strong emotions doesn’t mean acting on them is always the healthiest choice.
A lot of people in your shoes feel like they’re living two lives: one that looks normal on the outside, and another consumed by emotional longing and secrecy. That split can be exhausting and isolating.
Why the “Unavailable” Often Feels So Irresistible
There’s a reason forbidden love is such a timeless theme. It taps into some powerful psychology.
When something is off-limits, it tends to become more desirable. This is called reactance—basically, when we’re told we can’t have something, we want it even more. Add in secrecy, uncertainty, and emotionally charged moments, and it’s no wonder the connection feels addictive.
But here’s something to think about: is it love for them… or the fantasy of what being with them could be?
The Hard Truth: You’ll Always Be Second
This is where things get real. Being in love with someone who’s married usually means:
You get the leftover time, not the prime time.
Holidays, family events, and big life decisions won’t include you.
You might always be waiting—for them to leave, for a text, for something more.
Even if they say they love you, their spouse and family still come first. And that reality can quietly chip away at your self-worth over time.
How It Affects Everyone Involved
No matter how much you care about each other, there’s no way around this: someone is being betrayed. That betrayal doesn’t just hurt their spouse—it often hurts you too.
You may start minimizing or rationalizing the situation ("Their marriage is basically over," "They’re misunderstood"), but deep down, you know it’s not that simple.
And if there are kids involved? The impact stretches even further. It’s not just about two people sneaking around—there are real-world consequences that ripple outward.
The Rationalizations We Tell Ourselves (and Why They Don’t Work)
Let’s go through a few of the most common “justifications” we hear in therapy:
“They’re going to leave their spouse.” Maybe. But research shows only 3–5% actually do.
“We’re just close friends.” If it’s secret, emotionally intimate, or something you'd hide from their spouse—it’s more than friendship.
“I can’t help who I love.” True. But you can control how you act on it.
“Their partner doesn’t understand them like I do.” You’re seeing a slice of them, not the full picture—including the stress, conflict, and compromise that long-term love requires.
These stories might comfort you for a while, but they can keep you stuck.
What If They Leave? Then What?
Sometimes, the married person does leave. But here’s the truth: relationships that begin as affairs often face uphill battles. There can be:
Trust issues (“If they cheated with me, will they cheat on me?”)
Guilt or fallout from the divorce
Difficulty shifting from secret romance to everyday relationship reality
What felt passionate and exciting in the shadows doesn’t always translate into a healthy partnership in the light.
So… What Now? (The Honest, Healing Path Forward)
Let’s talk about what you can do.
1. Set Boundaries That Protect You
If staying in contact keeps you emotionally tangled, it might be time for space—even if that hurts. You can still care about them and choose distance for your own healing.
If you can’t avoid them entirely (e.g., you work together), set emotional boundaries: no late-night texts, no heart-to-hearts, no lingering what-ifs.
2. Refocus on Your Life (You Deserve a Full One)
Ask yourself: what parts of your life have been on hold? What dreams, hobbies, friendships, or goals have you let slide?
Rebuilding your world outside of them can remind you of who you are—and who you want to be.
3. Stay Open to Real Love
This one’s tough when your heart feels stuck. But don’t let the idea that “this is the only person who’ll ever understand me” become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are people out there who will make space for you in their whole life—not just the hidden corners.
4. Take a Look at the Pattern
Have you been drawn to unavailable people before? Sometimes it feels safer than getting close to someone who’s fully present. A therapist can help you explore this without shame—just curiosity and self-growth.
When It’s Time to Reach Out for Help
If this situation is weighing you down, you don’t have to carry it alone. Therapy can help, especially if:
You feel stuck in anxiety or sadness that won’t lift
You can’t stop thinking about this person
You’re having a hard time moving forward or imagining a life without them
You’ve been in this kind of dynamic more than once
This isn’t about judgment. It’s about support. Sometimes talking it out in a safe space is what finally helps you breathe again.
You’re Not a Bad Person—But You Do Deserve Better
Here’s what we want you to know at Sagebrush Counseling: You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their secret.
We’re here to help you work through the grief, the confusion, and the heartbreak—and to support you as you build a future rooted in clarity, confidence, and love that shows up fully.
We're just a message away if you’re ready to take that next step.
Feeling Stuck? You Don’t Have to Do This Alone.
If your heart’s tied up in someone who isn’t fully available, it’s okay to admit that it’s weighing on you. You’re not the only one who’s been here—and you don’t have to keep trying to sort it all out by yourself.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we offer virtual sessions across Texas, and we’ve helped many people work through situations like this. Whether you’re trying to let go, set some boundaries, or figure out what comes next, we’re here to support you.
