Why Neurodivergent Adults Struggle with Self-Worth
You know that feeling when you walk into a room and everyone seems to know some secret code that nobody taught you? Yeah, that one.
If you're reading this and you're neurodivergent, I'm betting that hit close to home. Maybe you've spent most of your life feeling like you're constantly playing catch-up in a game where the rules keep changing—and somehow, everyone else got the instruction manual except you.
Look, I get it. I really do. The whole thing about self-worth when you're neurodivergent? It's complicated as hell. Whether someone figured out you were autistic or had ADHD when you were little, or you're just now putting the pieces together as an adult, the way it messes with how you see yourself can be absolutely brutal.
You've Been Hiding Who You Are (And It's Killing Your Soul)
Let's talk about something that might hurt to hear: you've probably spent way too much of your life pretending to be someone you're not.
Think back to when you were a kid. Remember how quickly you learned that the way you naturally moved through the world—your happy flapping when you got excited, the way you could talk for hours about dinosaurs or trains or whatever fascinated you, how you needed things to be just so—somehow wasn't okay?
So what did you do? You became a master at what we therapists call "masking." But honestly, that word doesn't capture how exhausting it really is.
You studied other kids like you were cramming for the world's most important test. You memorized what faces to make and when. You forced yourself to look people in the eyes even when it felt like staring into the sun. You learned to sit still when every fiber of your being wanted to move. You carefully measured out your enthusiasm so you wouldn't be "too much."
And here's the thing that absolutely breaks my heart: you got so good at this performance that you started believing the real you wasn't worth knowing.
When Being Yourself Feels Like Too Much Work
Picture this: you wake up every morning and put on a costume that doesn't quite fit. The sleeves are too short, the collar's too tight, and you can't move naturally in it. But you wear it anyway because it's what everyone expects.
That's masking. Every single day.
You're constantly running this mental checklist: Okay, don't talk too much about that thing you're obsessed with. Keep your voice at the right volume. Did you miss something important in that conversation? Stop fidgeting with your hands—people will notice.
By the time you get home, you're not just tired. You're the kind of exhausted that sleep doesn't fix. And when you're running on empty like that all the time, of course your self-worth takes a beating. How could it not?
Everyone Else Makes It Look So Easy (Spoiler: They Don't)
Here's something that might blow your mind: that person who seems to effortlessly juggle seventeen different projects while remembering everyone's birthday and never losing their keys? They might be struggling too. You just can't see it because you're comparing your messy, complicated inner world to everyone else's carefully curated public face.
You see Sarah at work breezing through meetings while you're having a panic attack about whether you understood the assignment correctly. What you don't see is Sarah spending three hours the night before writing and rewriting notes because she also struggles with executive function.
You watch your neighbor seem to instinctively know exactly what to say in every social situation while you're still processing what happened in a conversation from two hours ago. What you don't know is that they've been practicing those responses since middle school, just like you have.
The thing is, when you're neurodivergent, you're hyperaware of every little thing you're doing "wrong." But everyone else? They're not paying nearly as much attention to you as you think they are. They're too busy dealing with their own stuff.
The "High-Functioning" Trap (Ugh, Can We Stop With This Label?)
If anyone's ever told you that you're "high-functioning" (and can we please retire this phrase already?), you know how weird that feels. On one hand, okay, cool—you're managing. You're holding down a job, you have relationships, you're not completely falling apart.
But on the other hand, it comes with this unspoken message that your struggles aren't real. People look at your successes and think, "Well, you can't be that autistic/ADHD/whatever if you're doing so well."
And then you start hearing things like:
"You don't seem autistic to me"
"Everyone's a little ADHD these days"
"You're just making excuses"
"You seem normal"
Ouch, right? These comments, even when people mean well, can make you question everything. Like, am I actually struggling, or am I just being dramatic? Am I really neurodivergent, or am I just looking for attention?
Here's what I want you to know: your struggles are real, even if they're not visible to everyone else. Just because you've gotten really good at appearing "normal" doesn't mean it's not taking everything you have.
The Perfectionism Trap: When Good Enough Never Feels Good Enough
Raise your hand if you've ever thought, "If I can just do this perfectly, maybe people won't notice I'm different."
Yeah, I thought so.
So many neurodivergent adults I work with have developed this relationship with perfectionism that's honestly heartbreaking. You think if you can just work twice as hard as everyone else, if you can just anticipate every possible problem, if you can just never make a mistake, then maybe—just maybe—you'll finally be accepted.
But here's the cruel joke: perfectionism doesn't protect you. It actually makes things worse.
When you're focused on doing everything perfectly, you end up paralyzed. You procrastinate because starting feels too risky. You avoid challenges because what if you fail? You become so focused on not making mistakes that you stop taking any risks at all.
And then—because life is just that unfair sometimes—your perfectionism creates the exact problems it was supposed to prevent. You miss deadlines because you spent too long making something "perfect." You avoid opportunities because you're not sure you can do them flawlessly. You burn out from the pressure you're putting on yourself.
It's like being trapped in a prison where you're both the prisoner and the guard.
Building a Life That Actually Fits Your Brain
The goal here isn't to become neurotypical. That's impossible, and honestly, why would you want to? The goal is to build a life that works for your neurodivergent brain, surrounded by people who value you for who you really are.
This isn't about learning to fit in better or becoming less neurodivergent. It's about fundamentally changing how you see yourself and your place in the world.
You're not a broken neurotypical person. You're a whole, complete neurodivergent person living in a world that wasn't designed for you. And the fact that you've made it this far? That's not luck. That's strength.
Your experiences matter. Your perspective has value. Your unique way of seeing and interacting with the world brings something important that wouldn't exist without you.
It's time to start believing that about yourself.
But here's the thing—this process takes time. You're basically rewiring decades of programming that told you that you were somehow wrong or not enough. That doesn't happen overnight, and that's okay. Every small step toward self-acceptance, every moment when you choose to be kind to yourself instead of critical, every time you honor your needs instead of pushing through—that's all progress worth celebrating.
Ready to Stop Fighting Yourself and Start Healing?
If you're tired of feeling like you're not enough, if you're ready to stop masking and start living as your authentic self, you don't have to figure this out alone.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we work with neurodivergent individuals and couples every day. We're not here to fix you (because you're not broken) or teach you to be more neurotypical (because that's not the goal). We're here to help you heal your relationship with yourself and build a life that actually works for your brain.
What makes us different:
You can unmask in our space—come exactly as you are
Virtual sessions because we know fluorescent lights and weird textures are the worst and you can do sessions from your home
We actually get neurodivergent experiences (no more explaining why eye contact feels awful)
We work with your communication style, not against it
We offer couples therapy for neurodiverse relationships because those have their own unique dynamics
Whether you're working on individual healing or navigating relationship challenges with a partner, we're here to support you.
Start Your Healing Journey Today
You've spent enough years believing you're not enough. Let's work together to help you discover just how valuable you really are.
Questions You Might Be Wondering About
Q: How do I know if my self-worth issues are connected to being neurodivergent?
A: Great question. If you've always felt like you're different from other people in ways you can't quite explain, if you're constantly second-guessing yourself, or if you feel like you're working way harder than everyone else just to appear "normal," there might be a connection. A lot of neurodivergent adults develop self-worth issues from years of trying to fit into a world that wasn't designed for their brains. The best way to explore this is with a therapist who really understands neurodivergence.
Q: I didn't find out I was neurodivergent until I was an adult. Is it too late to heal?
A: Absolutely not. I work with people who got diagnosed in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond, and healing is possible at any age. Yes, late diagnosis comes with its own grief and complications, but many people find that understanding their neurodivergence is actually the key that unlocks healing they couldn't access before. Your brain stays changeable throughout your whole life, which means you can develop new, healthier ways of thinking about yourself no matter when you start.
Q: I've tried therapy before and it didn't help. Why would this be different?
A: I hear this a lot, and honestly, I'm not surprised. Most traditional therapy approaches weren't created with neurodivergent people in mind. If your previous therapist didn't understand things like rejection sensitivity, executive function challenges, or sensory needs, of course it didn't feel helpful. Neurodivergent-affirming therapy is completely different—it works with how your brain actually functions instead of trying to force you into a neurotypical mold.
Q: My partner doesn't really understand what it's like to be neurodivergent. Can therapy help us?
A: Yes, and this is actually super common. When one partner is neurodivergent and one isn't (we call these "neurodiverse couples"), there are unique challenges that regular couples therapy often misses completely. Specialized therapy helps both partners understand how your different brain types affect everything from communication to intimacy to daily life. I've seen couples completely transform their relationships once they understand these dynamics.
Q: I'm successful at work but still feel terrible about myself. How does that make sense?
A: This makes perfect sense, actually. External success and internal self-worth are two totally different things, especially for neurodivergent adults who might have achieved that success through masking or perfectionism. You can be objectively accomplished while still carrying deep beliefs that you're somehow fraudulent or broken. Healing self-worth is about changing your internal relationship with yourself, regardless of what you've achieved externally.
Q: How do I stop constantly comparing myself to neurotypical people?
A: Comparison is natural but brutal when you're measuring yourself against people whose brains work fundamentally differently from yours. It's like comparing your underwater swimming skills to someone else's running speed—you're not even playing the same sport. Start by connecting with other neurodivergent adults who share similar experiences. Focus on your own growth rather than how you stack up to others. And remember: you're seeing everyone else's highlight reel while experiencing your own behind-the-scenes struggles.
Q: I've been masking for so long that I don't even know who I really am anymore. Is that fixable?
A: This is one of the most common things I hear from neurodivergent adults, especially those diagnosed later in life. The process of unmasking—rediscovering and expressing your authentic self—takes time, but it's absolutely possible. Think of it like archaeology: you're carefully uncovering parts of yourself that have been buried under years of adaptation. Your authentic self is still there; it just needs some gentle excavation.
References
Cassidy, S., Bradley, L., Shaw, R., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2018). Risk markers for suicidality in autistic adults. Molecular Autism, 9(1), 42. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13229-018-0226-4
Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473-484.
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M. C., & Mandy, W. (2017). "Putting on my best normal": Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534.
Lewis, L. F. (2016). Exploring the experience of self-diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder in adults. Archives of Psychiatric Nursing, 30(5), 575-580.
