Why Do I Keep Saying Sorry? Over-Apologizing as a Trauma Response
“Sorry, can I ask something real quick?” “Sorry for rambling.” “Sorry for being a lot.”
If you nodded to any of these—or all of them—you’re in good company. So many of us say “sorry” way more than we need to. And spoiler alert: it’s not because we’re overly polite or super thoughtful. Not always, anyway.
As a therapist, I hear this one a lot: “I don’t know why I say sorry so much—it just comes out.” And guess what? That reflex to apologize constantly? It’s often not random. It’s something we learned. Something that helped us navigate hard stuff in the past. And even though it might’ve kept us safe back then, now it’s just...exhausting.
Let’s talk about where this comes from, and how you can start to shift it—with compassion, not judgment.
What Is Over-Apologizing, Really?
We’re not talking about saying sorry when you’ve genuinely messed up. (Owning our impact? Always a good thing.) This is about the moments you say sorry for:
Asking for help
Needing time or space
Feeling sad, upset, or overwhelmed
Existing, basically
It’s like your default setting is: Sorry I’m here.
Where Does This Come From?
1. Trauma Responses
If you grew up in a home where emotions weren’t safe or where things could flip on a dime, you might’ve learned that apologizing made things calmer. Saying sorry was a survival strategy: “If I just stay small and agreeable, maybe I won’t get yelled at, ignored, or hurt.”
2. People-Pleasing 101
Maybe you got used to being the “easy one,” the helper, the peacekeeper. Saying sorry helped you stay likable. But it also taught you that other people’s comfort mattered more than your own.
3. Anxiety’s Favorite Tool
If you deal with anxiety, you know the drill: everything feels like a potential threat. So you overthink, over-apologize, and try to stay ahead of rejection or judgment before it happens. Spoiler: it’s exhausting.
4. Social Conditioning (Especially for Women & Marginalized Folks)
Let’s not ignore the bigger picture. Many of us were taught—directly or indirectly—that being assertive, direct, or emotional was “too much.” Saying sorry became a way to soften our edges so we wouldn’t ruffle feathers.
Why It Matters (Even If It Feels Harmless)
Over-apologizing can seem like a small thing. But it chips away at your self-worth over time. When you keep saying sorry for having needs, feelings, or opinions, it’s like telling yourself: I’m wrong just for being here.
It also shapes how others see you. You might come across as unsure or less confident—even when you’re anything but. And that can affect your relationships, your career, your sense of self.
Okay, So How Do I Stop?
No shame here. You don’t have to “fix” yourself—you get to unlearn what no longer serves you. Here’s a gentle starting place:
1. Just Notice It
Start by catching yourself in the act. “Oh wow, I just said sorry for asking a question.” No need to judge it. Just notice. That’s step one.
2. Ask: Did I Actually Do Something Wrong?
So often, the answer is nope. You didn’t hurt anyone. You didn’t cause harm. You were just...existing. That realization can be powerful.
3. Try a Swap
Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thanks for waiting.” Instead of “Sorry for bothering you,” try “Do you have a moment?” These swaps shift the energy from guilt to gratitude.
4. Be Curious About the Why
Ask yourself: What’s making me want to say sorry here? Fear? Insecurity? Guilt? When you name what’s underneath, you start loosening its grip.
5. Work With a Therapist (If You Want To)
This stuff is deep. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy can help you unpack where it started, how it’s playing out, and what you want to do differently moving forward.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’ve been over-apologizing, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you learned something that helped you survive. And now you get to ask: Do I still need this? Or is it time to try something new?
You don’t have to shrink to keep people comfortable. You don’t have to apologize for existing. You’re allowed to take up space, just as you are.
And that? That’s nothing to be sorry for.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for therapy. If over-apologizing or people-pleasing is affecting your life, a therapist can help you explore it in a safe, supportive space.
