Topics for Polyamorous Relationship Agreements: A Guide
A comprehensive guide to the important conversations every polyamorous couple should have
Why Relationship Agreements Matter
Polyamorous relationships involve unique challenges and considerations that monogamous couples rarely need to address. While love and trust form the foundation of any healthy relationship, poly relationships require additional layers of communication, boundary-setting, and ongoing consent management.
A relationship agreement isn't about creating rigid rules that restrict your love life. Instead, it's a structured way to have important conversations about expectations, boundaries, and desires before situations arise that might cause conflict or misunderstanding. Think of it as a roadmap that both partners help create, knowing that the destination might change as you grow together.
This guide covers the essential topics that polyamorous couples typically need to discuss when creating their own relationship agreements. Remember, every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Use this as a starting point for your own conversations.
Understanding Your Relationship Philosophy
Before getting into specific boundaries and logistics, it's crucial to align on your fundamental approach to polyamory. Different people practice ethical non-monogamy in vastly different ways, and mismatched expectations can create serious problems.
Defining Your Style of Polyamory
Some couples prefer hierarchical polyamory, where they maintain a "primary" relationship with established priorities while having secondary or tertiary relationships with others. This often includes practical priorities around time, resources, and major life decisions.
Others embrace non-hierarchical polyamory, treating all relationships as equally important without predetermined ranking systems. This approach recognizes that different relationships may naturally have different levels of entanglement based on compatibility, longevity, and circumstances rather than artificial hierarchies.
Relationship anarchy takes this further, rejecting traditional relationship categories entirely and allowing each connection to develop organically without predetermined expectations or rules.
Discussion Questions:
How do you each define polyamory?
Do you want to maintain any form of hierarchy in your relationships?
How important is it that your other relationships know about each other?
What does "commitment" mean to each of you in a poly context?
Kitchen Table vs. Parallel Poly
Consider whether you prefer "kitchen table polyamory" (where everyone in your relationship network is comfortable knowing each other and potentially socializing together) or "parallel polyamory" (where you prefer to keep your various relationships separate from one another).
Both approaches are valid, but partners should be generally aligned on this preference to avoid uncomfortable situations or unmet expectations.
(Examples you may use in your agreement)
Our Understanding of Polyamory
☐ Ethical non-monogamy with multiple loving relationships
☐ Open to romantic and sexual connections with others
☐ Emphasis on honesty, communication, and consent
☐ Other: _________________________________
Relationship Hierarchy (check all that apply)
☐ Hierarchical: We maintain a primary relationship with established priorities
☐ Non-hierarchical: We treat all relationships as equally important
☐ Relationship anarchy: Minimal rules, maximum individual autonomy
☐ Kitchen table poly: Comfortable with metamours knowing each other
☐ Parallel poly: Prefer to keep other relationships separate
☐ Other structure: _________________________________
Boundaries and Relationship Types
Not all polyamorous people are open to the same types of connections, and these preferences can change over time. Having clear discussions about what types of relationships you're each open to pursuing can prevent hurt feelings and violated boundaries later.
Types of Connections
Consider discussing your openness to casual dating, friends-with-benefits arrangements, romantic relationships, long-term committed partnerships, or purely emotional vs. purely physical connections. Some people are comfortable with their partners having casual sexual encounters but feel differently about deep emotional bonds, while others feel the opposite.
Off-Limits Categories
Many polyamorous couples establish certain categories of people who are off-limits for dating. Common boundaries include mutual friends, coworkers, ex-partners, or people within your immediate social circle. These boundaries often exist to protect existing relationships, avoid workplace complications, or prevent social drama.
Activities Requiring Discussion
Some couples prefer advance notice or discussion before certain relationship milestones, such as first dates, becoming sexually active with someone new, saying "I love you," introducing partners to family or friends, or making relationship status changes on social media.
Discussion Questions:
What types of relationships are you each interested in pursuing?
Are there categories of people you'd prefer your partner not date?
Which relationship milestones would you want to discuss beforehand?
How do you each feel about casual vs. committed connections?
(Examples of what you may use in your agreement)
Relationship Types We're Open To
☐ Casual dating
☐ Friends with benefits
☐ Romantic relationships
☐ Long-term committed relationships
☐ Emotional connections only
☐ Sexual connections only
☐ Both emotional and sexual connections
Off-Limits Categories
☐ Mutual friends
☐ Coworkers
☐ Ex-partners
☐ Family members
☐ People in our social circle
☐ People under age ____
☐ Married people (without spousal consent)
☐ Other: _________________________________
Activities That Require Prior Discussion
☐ First dates
☐ Sexual activity
☐ Overnight stays
☐ "I love you" declarations
☐ Meeting family/friends
☐ Social media relationship status changes
☐ Moving in together
☐ Vacation travel
☐ Other: _________________________________
Communication: The Foundation of Ethical Non-Monogamy
Polyamory requires significantly more communication than monogamy, both between primary partners and across the entire relationship network. Establishing clear communication protocols early can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Information Sharing
Couples need to discuss what information they want to share about their other relationships. Some prefer general updates ("I'm seeing someone new"), while others want detailed information about dates, sexual activities, and emotional developments. Neither approach is right or wrong, but partners need to be aligned on their preferences.
Consider also discussing the timing of information sharing. Some couples prefer advance notice before dates, while others only want updates afterward. Some want real-time communication during dates, while others prefer their date time to be distraction-free.
Metamour Relationships
"Metamours" are your partner's other partners. Some people want to meet and build friendships with their metamours, while others prefer to know they exist but not interact directly. Both approaches are valid, but it's important to respect everyone's comfort levels and not force interactions that make people uncomfortable.
Regular Check-ins
Many successful polyamorous couples establish regular relationship check-ins to discuss how their various relationships are going, address any concerns, and make adjustments to their agreements as needed. These might be weekly conversations over coffee, monthly formal discussions, or quarterly comprehensive reviews.
Discussion Questions:
How much detail do you want to know about your partner's other relationships?
When do you want to receive updates - before dates, after, or on a regular schedule?
How do you each feel about meeting and interacting with metamours?
What format works best for difficult conversations?
(examples you may use in relationship agreements)
Information Sharing
What we agree to share:
☐ Before first dates
☐ After first dates
☐ Before sexual activity
☐ After sexual activity
☐ Relationship milestones
☐ Emotional developments
☐ Schedule changes affecting our time together
Level of detail preferred:
☐ General overview only
☐ Moderate detail
☐ Full transparency
☐ Ask before sharing details
Communication Methods
Preferred methods for important discussions:
☐ In-person conversations
☐ Phone calls
☐ Text messages
☐ Email
☐ Scheduled relationship check-ins
Frequency of check-ins: _________________________________
Metamour (Partner's Partner) Communication
☐ I want to meet and interact with metamours
☐ I prefer minimal contact with metamours
☐ I'm open to friendship with metamours
☐ I want to be informed about metamour relationships
☐ I prefer not to know details about metamour relationships
Sexual Health and Safety
Polyamory involves managing sexual health across multiple partners, which requires more planning and communication than monogamous relationships. Establishing clear safer sex protocols protects everyone in your relationship network.
Safer Sex Practices
Discuss your preferences around barrier protection (condoms, dental dams) for different types of sexual activity and with different types of partners. Some couples require barriers for all sexual activity with new partners, while others make decisions based on STI testing, relationship status, or individual risk assessment.
Consider how you'll handle situations where safer sex practices weren't followed, whether intentionally or accidentally. Having a plan for these conversations in advance makes them much easier to navigate when emotions are high.
STI Testing and Communication
Regular STI testing is crucial in polyamorous relationships. Discuss how often you'll each get tested, what tests you'll include, and how you'll share results with each other and with other partners. Many couples establish testing schedules (every 3-6 months) and agree to get tested before becoming sexually active with new partners.
Pregnancy Prevention
If pregnancy is possible in any of your relationships, discuss your approach to birth control, backup methods, and how you'll handle pregnancy scares or actual pregnancies.
Discussion Questions:
What safer sex practices are you each comfortable with?
How often will you get STI testing, and what will you test for?
How will you communicate test results to partners?
What's your plan if pregnancy occurs in any relationship?
(relationship example of agreements around sex)
Safer Sex Agreements
Barrier protection required for:
☐ All sexual activity with new partners
☐ Oral sex
☐ Penetrative sex
☐ Until STI testing is complete
☐ Always, regardless of testing
☐ Based on individual risk assessment
STI Testing Schedule
☐ Every 3 months
☐ Every 6 months
☐ Before new partners
☐ After unprotected sex
☐ When symptoms arise
☐ Other: _________________________________
We agree to share STI test results: ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ Upon request
Birth Control Considerations
Primary responsibility: _________________________________
Backup methods: _________________________________
Communication about pregnancy scares: _________________________________
Time Management and Scheduling
One of the biggest challenges in polyamory is managing time fairly across multiple relationships while maintaining your own individual needs and responsibilities. This requires intentional planning and ongoing communication.
Protecting Primary Relationship Time
If you're practicing hierarchical polyamory, discuss what time commitments you want to maintain for your primary relationship. This might include weekly date nights, daily check-ins, weekend time, holidays, or special occasions.
Consider also discussing how much advance notice you need for schedule changes and whether you want veto power over each other's plans in certain circumstances.
Fair Time Distribution
For couples practicing non-hierarchical polyamory, consider how you'll balance time fairly across relationships while also maintaining friendships, family relationships, work responsibilities, and personal time.
Scheduling Logistics
Discuss practical scheduling considerations like shared calendars, advance notice requirements for overnight dates, and how you'll handle conflicts when multiple partners want the same time slots.
Discussion Questions:
What time commitments are most important to maintain in your relationship?
How much advance notice do you need for your partner's plans with others?
How will you balance time between multiple relationships?
What scheduling tools or systems might work for your situation?
(examples that may be used below)
Time Allocation
Our relationship gets priority for:
☐ [Day] nights
☐ Weekend time
☐ Holidays
☐ Special occasions
☐ [Number] nights per week
☐ Other: _________________________________
Scheduling Agreements
☐ Check calendar before making plans with others
☐ Minimum [X] days notice for overnight dates
☐ No more than [X] dates per week with others
☐ Monthly calendar planning sessions
☐ Right of first refusal for special events
Couple Time Protection
Minimum guaranteed time together: _________________________________
Date nights: _________________________________
Special occasions: _________________________________
Home and Living Space
For couples who live together, establishing guidelines around shared space use is crucial for maintaining comfort and privacy for everyone involved.
Shared Space Policies
Discuss whether other partners are welcome in your shared home, and if so, under what circumstances. Some couples are comfortable with partners visiting anytime, while others require advance notice or restrict access to certain areas of the home.
Consider how overnight guests will work, especially if you have roommates, children, or small living spaces. Some couples are comfortable with their partner's dates staying overnight, while others prefer outside accommodations for intimate visits.
Privacy and Personal Belongings
Establish boundaries around personal items, private spaces, and going through each other's belongings. In polyamorous relationships, respecting privacy becomes even more important since you're managing information about multiple people.
Discussion Questions:
Are other partners welcome in your shared living space?
How do you feel about overnight guests?
What areas of your home are private vs. shared spaces?
How will you respect each other's privacy and personal belongings?
(examples that may be used)
Shared Space Guidelines
☐ Other partners welcome in our shared home
☐ Prior permission required for home visits
☐ No other partners in shared bedroom
☐ No other partners overnight when I'm present
☐ No other partners overnight in shared space
☐ Advance notice required: ____ hours/days
Privacy and Personal Items
☐ Separate bedrooms/spaces for other relationships
☐ Shared bedroom is off-limits to others
☐ Personal items should remain private
☐ No going through each other's phones/computers
Financial Considerations
Polyamory can involve significant financial considerations, from dating expenses to shared financial goals to long-term planning with multiple partners.
Dating Expenses
Discuss how you'll handle the costs associated with dating multiple people. Some couples maintain completely separate finances for dating, while others set shared budgets or spending limits. Consider also how expensive dates or gifts might impact shared financial goals.
Shared Financial Responsibilities
If you share financial responsibilities like rent, utilities, or savings goals, discuss how your other relationships might impact these commitments. Major financial decisions might need input from both partners, especially in hierarchical relationships.
Long-term Financial Planning
For couples building long-term financial plans together, consider how other relationships might impact goals like home ownership, retirement planning, or major purchases.
Discussion Questions:
How will you handle the expenses associated with dating others?
What financial decisions require both partners' input?
How might other relationships impact your shared financial goals?
What are your boundaries around money and other relationships?
(examples that may be used)
Dating Expenses
☐ Individual responsibility for own dating costs
☐ Shared budget for all dating activities
☐ Discussion required for expenses over $____
☐ Equal spending limits on other relationships
☐ Other: _________________________________
Shared Financial Goals
☐ Other relationships shouldn't impact shared financial goals
☐ Major financial decisions require both partners' input
☐ Transparent about dating-related expenses
Technology and Digital Life
Modern relationships happen largely online, making technology policies an important consideration for polyamorous couples. From dating apps to social media to digital privacy, there are many tech-related topics to discuss.
Dating Apps and Online Profiles
If you'll be using dating apps or websites, discuss what information you'll share in your profiles. Many polyamorous people mention their relationship status and existing partners, but couples should align on how much detail to include.
Consider whether you'll show each other your profiles, discuss potential matches, or keep your online dating completely separate.
Social Media Boundaries
Discuss your comfort levels around posting about other relationships on social media. Some people are comfortable with their partners posting photos or updates about dates with others, while others prefer to keep other relationships off social media entirely.
Consider also your policies around tagging partners, relationship status updates, and maintaining privacy for people who aren't out about polyamory.
Digital Privacy and Communication
Establish boundaries around digital privacy, including access to phones, computers, dating app conversations, and location sharing. Some couples are comfortable with complete transparency, while others prefer to maintain privacy around their individual relationships.
Discussion Questions:
How will you present your relationship status online?
What are your comfort levels around social media posts about other relationships?
How much digital privacy do you each need?
What are your policies around dating apps and online dating?
(examples that may be used)
Dating Apps and Profiles
☐ Comfortable with partner using dating apps
☐ Mention existing relationship(s) in profile
☐ Share which apps are being used
☐ Show dating profiles to each other
☐ Discuss matches before meeting
☐ Remove profiles during relationship conflicts
☐ Other: _________________________________
Social Media and Online Presence
☐ Comfortable with partner posting about other relationships
☐ Prefer other relationships kept private online
☐ Ask before posting photos with other partners
☐ No relationship status changes without discussion
☐ Respect privacy of metamours online
☐ Tag partners only with permission
☐ Keep relationship details private from family online
Digital Privacy and Access
☐ Phones and devices remain private
☐ Comfortable sharing passwords/access
☐ Location sharing enabled/disabled
☐ Access to partner's dating conversations
☐ Shared calendar apps for scheduling
☐ Private vs. shared social media accounts
☐ Emergency access to accounts if needed
Communication Technology
☐ Texting with other partners is fine
☐ Video calls with other partners acceptable
☐ No communication during our dedicated time
☐ Response time expectations for messages
☐ Comfortable with group chats including metamours
☐ Separate phones/numbers for other relationships
☐ Other: _________________________________
Emotional Support and Mental Health
Polyamory can bring unique emotional challenges that require additional support systems and coping strategies. Discussing mental health and emotional support expectations can help partners navigate difficult feelings more effectively.
Supporting Each Other Through Challenges
Discuss how you'll support each other through the inevitable challenges of polyamorous relationships, including jealousy, time management stress, metamour conflicts, and relationship changes.
Consider whether you want your partner to provide emotional support about their other relationships, or whether you'd prefer they seek support elsewhere for those issues.
Individual Mental Health Needs
Polyamory isn't right for everyone, and it can exacerbate existing mental health challenges. Discuss your individual mental health needs, therapy goals, and how your relationship structure might impact your wellbeing.
Emotional Labor Boundaries
Consider how much emotional labor you're willing to provide around your partner's other relationships. Some people are happy to listen to relationship problems and provide advice about other partnerships, while others prefer to maintain boundaries around these discussions.
Managing Jealousy and Difficult Emotions
Jealousy is a normal human emotion that most people experience in polyamorous relationships. Discuss your approaches to handling jealousy, whether that's immediate discussion and reassurance, individual processing time, temporary relationship restrictions, or professional counseling support.
Discussion Questions:
How do you each typically handle difficult emotions like jealousy or insecurity?
What kind of emotional support do you want from each other about other relationships?
What are your individual mental health needs and how might polyamory impact them?
What resources (therapy, books, communities) might help you navigate challenges?
Family and Social Integration
One of the ongoing challenges in polyamory is navigating family relationships, social situations, and community integration when your relationship structure differs from social norms.
Coming Out to Family and Friends
Discuss your comfort levels around disclosing your polyamorous relationship structure to family members, friends, coworkers, and community members. Some people are completely open about polyamory, while others prefer to keep it private or only share with trusted individuals.
Consider the potential consequences of disclosure in your specific situations, including family relationships, employment, housing, or community standing.
Family Events and Social Situations
Navigate how you'll handle family events, weddings, work parties, and other social situations where you might traditionally bring a partner. Discuss plus-one policies, holiday celebrations, and how to handle situations where your relationship structure might be questioned or judged.
Managing Disapproval and Judgment
Prepare for how you'll handle family members, friends, or community members who disapprove of your relationship choices. This might involve setting boundaries around disrespectful comments, limiting contact with unsupportive people, or finding new communities that are more accepting.
Children and Extended Family
If children are involved (either your own or your extended family's), discuss how you'll introduce other partners, what role they might play in children's lives, and how to maintain stability and safety for young people in your network.
Discussion Questions:
Who in your life knows about your polyamorous relationship structure?
How do you handle social situations where your relationship style might be questioned?
What boundaries do you need with family members who disapprove?
How will you navigate children's involvement with your other relationships?
(example)
Social Circle Integration
☐ Comfortable with all partners in same social groups
☐ Prefer separate social circles for different relationships
☐ Will introduce other partners to mutual friends
☐ Friends should treat all partners respectfully
☐ Plus-ones for work events: _________________
☐ Social event planning includes all partners
☐ Other: _________________________________
Conflict Resolution and Problem-Solving
Every relationship faces conflicts, but polyamorous relationships have additional complexity that requires thoughtful conflict resolution strategies.
When Problems Arise
Establish your preferred approaches for handling relationship problems, including initial communication strategies, cooling-off periods if needed, and when to seek outside help like couples therapy or mediation.
Consider how you'll distinguish between problems that need immediate attention versus issues that can wait for your regular check-in conversations.
Deal Breakers and Non-Negotiables
Discuss what behaviors or situations would be relationship deal breakers for each of you. This might include dishonesty, unsafe sexual practices, neglecting your primary relationship, or breaking agreed-upon boundaries.
(example)
When Problems Arise
Initial approach: _________________________________
Cooling off period: _________________________________
Discussion format: _________________________________
Outside help: ☐ Couples therapy ☐ Counselor ☐ Trusted friends ☐ Online resources
Professional Support
Consider when you might seek professional help like polyamory-friendly couples therapy, individual counseling, or mediation. Having these resources identified in advance makes it easier to access support when you need it.
Discussion Questions:
What's your preferred approach when relationship problems arise?
What behaviors would be deal breakers for you?
When would you want to seek professional help for relationship issues?
How will you distinguish between minor issues and serious problems?
Special Circumstances and Life Changes
Polyamorous relationships need to account for various life circumstances and changes that might impact your relationship agreements over time.
Major Life Events
Consider how you'll handle major life events like illness, job changes, relocations, family emergencies, or financial crises. These situations might temporarily or permanently impact your ability to maintain multiple relationships.
Pregnancy and Parenting
If pregnancy is possible in any of your relationships, discuss how you'll handle these situations. This includes not only your own potential pregnancies but also pregnancies that might occur in your partners' other relationships.
Long-Distance Relationships
Consider your comfort levels and logistics around partners who live far away, including travel expenses, extended visits, and the emotional challenges of long-distance connections.
Relationship Changes and Evolution
Discuss how you'll handle major relationship changes like partners moving in together, getting engaged or married to others, or ending significant relationships. These changes can impact your entire relationship network.
Discussion Questions:
How might major life events impact your polyamorous relationships?
What's your plan if pregnancy occurs in any relationship?
How do you feel about long-distance relationships within your network?
How will you handle major changes in your partners' other relationships?
Regular Review and Agreement Evolution
Relationship agreements aren't static documents - they should evolve as you grow, learn, and encounter new situations together.
Ongoing Communication
Establish regular times to review and potentially modify your relationship agreements. This might be monthly check-ins, quarterly reviews, or annual comprehensive discussions.
Adapting to Change
Recognize that your needs, boundaries, and comfort levels may change over time. What works for you as new polyamorous practitioners might not work after you have more experience, and that's completely normal.
Trial Periods and Adjustments
Consider using trial periods when implementing new boundaries or agreements, allowing you to test new approaches before making permanent commitments.
Growth and Learning
Acknowledge that polyamory involves ongoing learning and growth. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you navigate new experiences and challenges.
Discussion Questions:
How often do you want to review and potentially update your agreements?
How will you handle situations that your current agreements don't cover?
What have you learned about yourselves and your relationship through these discussions?
How do you want to continue growing and learning together?
Building Your Unique Agreement
Remember that this guide covers topics that many polyamorous couples find important, but your relationship is unique. Some sections may be highly relevant to your situation, while others might not apply at all. Some topics not covered here might be crucial for your specific circumstances.
The goal isn't to create a perfect document that covers every possible situation. Instead, the value lies in having these important conversations, understanding each other's perspectives and needs, and establishing a foundation for ongoing communication.
Your relationship agreement should feel supportive and clarifying, not restrictive or anxiety-provoking. If any aspect of your agreement creates stress or feels punitive, that's a sign to revisit and revise your approach.
Most importantly, remember that successful polyamorous relationships are built on foundations of trust, communication, respect, and genuine care for all the people involved. No agreement can substitute for these fundamental relationship skills, but thoughtful discussions about boundaries and expectations can help you build stronger, more satisfying connections with everyone in your network.
Take your time with these conversations. They don't all need to happen at once, and your agreements will likely evolve as you gain more experience with polyamory. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you navigate this journey together.
Resources for Further Learning:
"The Ethical Slut" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
"More Than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Janet Hardy
"Polysecure" by Jessica Fern
"The Polyamory Toolkit" by Dan Williams and Dawn Williams
Online communities: r/polyamory, polyamory.com, local polyamory meetups
Disclaimer: This guide is provided for educational purposes only and does not constitute relationship advice, therapy, or legal counsel. Every relationship is unique, and what works for some couples may not work for others. If you're experiencing relationship distress or need professional support, please consult with a qualified therapist, counselor, or other appropriate professional.
