Realizing You’re Neurodivergent as an Adult

More and more adults are discovering later in life that they’re neurodivergent, most often through ADHD, autism, or both. Some get there through formal testing with a therapist, while others piece it together on their own — reading, listening to podcasts, doing online screeners, and seeing themselves in the stories of other neurodivergent adults. However it happens, the journey can feel like a wave of clarity followed by a swirl of questions and, eventually, a sense of relief and acceptance.

The Doubt Spiral: Second-Guessing Yourself

At first, learning you’re autistic or have ADHD can feel like all the puzzle pieces finally click. Suddenly your struggles and quirks make sense. But just as quickly, doubt has a way of sneaking in. You might wonder:

• Did I answer those screening questions right?

• Isn’t this just anxiety or trauma?

• How could nobody have seen this before?

Maybe friends or family even challenge you:

• “Aren’t we all a little ADHD sometimes?”

• “You seem too social to be autistic.”

If you worked with a professional, you might question the diagnosis, especially if people in your life respond with skepticism. It’s not uncommon to start doubting everything again, even after a thorough evaluation.

One thing that can help is writing down the traits or patterns you see in yourself. When you feel that second-guessing creep back in, you can look at your list and remind yourself, This fits me. I’m not imagining it. It’s also completely normal to have these moments of uncertainty resurface — whether you’ve been assessed formally or identified on your own. At Sagebrush Counseling, we often remind clients that questioning your new identity from time to time is simply part of the adjustment process.

Going Down the Neurodivergent Rabbit Hole

After realizing you’re neurodivergent, it’s common to get a bit hyperfocused on the topic — and that’s okay. Many people dive headfirst into books, podcasts, TikToks, and blogs trying to learn everything at once. You might want to analyze every awkward childhood memory or reexamine old relationships through this new lens.

It can feel urgent, overwhelming, and absolutely thrilling all at the same time. You may talk about it a lot — and yes, people might get tired of hearing it, but that excitement is normal. It’s part of making sense of yourself. Think of it like finally getting the user manual for yourself you’ve spent your whole life trying to figure out. It’s a big deal, and it deserves space.

Old Wounds, New Context

Seeing yourself through a neurodivergent lens can bring up a surprising wave of emotions. You might look back on your childhood and realize teachers, parents, or even therapists missed the signs. Sensory overload, emotional intensity, social struggles — they may have been brushed off or misinterpreted, leaving you feeling “too much” or “not enough” for years.

It’s normal to feel angry or even upset about the time you lost or how things might have been different if you’d known sooner. Sometimes, understanding your neurodivergence can also shift how you see your family history. Maybe patterns you once thought were just personality clashes were neurodivergence running through generations. This new perspective doesn’t erase the pain, but it can give you a clearer, more compassionate way to make sense of it.

Releasing Self-Blame

If you’ve spent years being labeled “lazy,” “too sensitive,” or “unmotivated,” it can take time to untangle those beliefs. Many neurodivergent adults have carried deep self-blame, convinced they were broken because they couldn’t keep up in a world that wasn’t designed for their brains.

Part of embracing your neurodivergence is noticing just how hard you’ve tried — how you kept pushing, masking, adapting, even when it cost you. There’s real relief in realizing the problem was never you. It was trying to function in systems that didn’t see you clearly.

Little by little, self-compassion can grow in those spaces where shame once lived. That’s where true healing begins.

Spotting Neurodivergence in Others

Once you start to understand neurodivergence, you may begin to see it all around you — in your kids, your parents, your partner, even your coworkers. That recognition can feel bittersweet, especially if those same people doubted or minimized your diagnosis.

You might feel frustrated that they don’t see their patterns yet, or that they dismissed yours. That’s a very human reaction. It helps to remember that accepting a new identity takes time. If it took you months (or years) to connect the dots, it makes sense others might need that same space to process too.

Finding Your People

One of the most powerful parts of this journey is realizing you’re not alone — you just hadn’t found your people yet. When you connect with other neurodivergent folks, you might finally feel understood without having to mask or explain every little thing.

That sense of belonging can be life-changing. Whether it’s in a support group, an online community, or through friendships with other neurodivergent adults, sharing experiences and celebrating your differences together can be a huge relief. You realize you’re not too much — you’re just around the wrong people. Finding your community can change everything.

How to Talk About Your Neurodivergent Identity

Once you start understanding your neurodivergence, you might feel the urge to share it with people around you. That can be empowering — but also a little nerve-wracking. It’s completely normal to wonder how others will react, especially if they still see you through an old lens.

It can help to start small. You don’t have to tell everyone at once. Maybe you share with a trusted friend first, someone who’s shown you compassion and curiosity in the past. You might say something simple, like, “I recently learned I’m autistic/ADHD, and it explains a lot about how I move through the world.” You don’t have to go into every detail unless you want to.

If people push back or question you, remember you don’t owe them endless explanations. Protect your energy. Sharing this part of yourself is brave, and you deserve to feel safe doing it. The right people will want to understand, and if someone doesn’t, that doesn’t make your experience any less valid. Take your time, set boundaries, and trust that you get to decide who knows what about your story.

Navigating Relationships After a Neurodivergent Discovery

Once you realize you’re neurodivergent, it’s pretty common for your relationships to shift a bit. Friends, family, and partners might need time to wrap their heads around this new part of you — just like you do. Some folks will get it right away, while others might feel confused or even a little resistant. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong; it just takes time for everyone to catch up.

It can help to talk honestly about what you’re learning. Let people know what helps you feel comfortable, what stresses you out, or why you might need extra downtime after being social. Those chats might feel awkward at first, but they can make your relationships stronger in the long run.

You might also notice who supports you and who doesn’t. That can sting, but it’s also clarifying. As you grow more confident in who you are, you’ll get better at setting boundaries and surrounding yourself with people who truly see and respect you.

Settling Into Your Neurodivergent Self

Over time, those big waves of emotion usually start to settle. As you grow into your neurodivergent identity, you might find yourself creating healthier routines, setting clearer boundaries, and building relationships that feel more authentic. Life doesn’t suddenly become simple, but it often starts to feel more true to who you are and what you need.

That kind of integration takes time — sometimes months, sometimes years — but it brings a deep sense of peace. You can finally show up as yourself, with fewer masks, fewer apologies, and more confidence. That’s the heart of this transformation: not becoming someone new, but having the freedom to be exactly who you are.

Ready to Start This Journey?

If you’re starting to explore whether you might be autistic, have ADHD, or both, working with a neurodivergent-affirming therapist can help you feel seen and supported every step of the way. At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand how overwhelming this process can feel — and how healing it can be, too.

We offer affirming therapy for neurodivergent adults, whether you’re just beginning to wonder about your identity or want help navigating life after diagnosis. If you’d like to see if we’re a good fit, you can schedule a consultation call with us. And if you’re looking for more resources, check out our Adult Neurodivergence Resource page for books, podcasts, and self-discovery tools.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Let’s do this together.