How Scheduled Sex Might Help Your Marriage
When you hear "scheduled sex," your first thought probably isn't "oh, how romantic!" It might be more like "ugh, that sounds about as sexy as a dentist appointment" or "way to kill the spontaneity." You're definitely not alone in that reaction. The idea of putting sex on the calendar can feel clinical, forced, or just plain weird.
But here's the thing that might surprise you: relationship experts and sex therapists are increasingly recommending scheduled intimacy to couples, and the research backing it up is pretty compelling. In fact, for many couples, scheduling sex isn't the relationship killer they thought it would be—it's actually the thing that brings their intimacy back to life.
Why "Scheduled Sex" Makes People Cringe
Before we dive into why it works, let's acknowledge why the idea feels so wrong to so many people. Most of us grew up with this romantic notion that great sex should be spontaneous—swept away in the moment, passionate, unplanned. Movies and TV shows have fed us this narrative that "real" desire just happens naturally, and anything that requires planning somehow isn't authentic.
We've been conditioned to think that if you have to schedule it, something must be wrong with your relationship. That somehow planning for intimacy means the spark is dead, or you're becoming more like roommates than lovers.
The Spontaneity Myth
Here's what nobody talks about: even "spontaneous" sex usually isn't that spontaneous. Think about it—when you were first dating, you probably planned dates with the hope or expectation that sex might happen. You showered, chose your outfit carefully, maybe even bought new underwear. You were essentially preparing for the possibility of intimacy, even if you didn't call it "scheduling."
Sex and relationships expert at ONE Condoms Annabelle Knight points out that "sex scheduling is becoming increasingly popular with many couples and as a certified couples' counsellor I am a huge advocate of using any strategy that helps to benefit your relationship sexually."
The truth is, once life gets busy—with work stress, kids, aging parents, financial pressures, or just the general chaos of adult life—waiting for spontaneous moments often means waiting a really long time.
What the Research Actually Says About Scheduled Intimacy
Here's where it gets interesting. While there isn't a ton of research specifically on "scheduled sex," there's extensive research on structured approaches to intimacy that essentially accomplish the same thing.
Sensate Focus: The Gold Standard
One of the most researched approaches to rebuilding intimacy is called sensate focus therapy, developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s. This therapeutic technique is essentially scheduled, structured intimacy—and it's been proven incredibly effective.
According to research, "sensate focus therapy was developed by sex therapists, Masters and Johnson in the 1960s" with the goal of helping couples "refocus their attention on their own sensory perceptions and sensuality instead of the ultimate goal of sexual intercourse."
Studies show that "sensate focus therapy is a powerful tool in addressing a range of sexual dysfunctions, such as body image anxiety, arousal problems, and performance issues." The research indicates that "this therapy shifts the emphasis from sexual performance to sensual experience and connection between partners, thereby alleviating performance anxiety."
The Structured Approach Works
Research on therapeutic approaches to intimacy consistently shows that "the homework assignment provides a structured approach, which allows the couple to rebuild their sexual relationship gradually." These studies demonstrate that "by encouraging communication, increasing awareness, and relieving anxiety, intimacy among the couple is increased with understanding about each other's concerns."
What's particularly interesting is that "sensate focus exercises can greatly reduce sexual performance anxiety, a significant roadblock to sexual satisfaction." When couples follow structured, planned intimacy exercises, they often experience "significant gains, both initially and in the long term."
The Surprising Benefits of Putting Sex on the Calendar
So what actually happens when couples start scheduling sex? The results might surprise you.
1. Anticipation Becomes Foreplay
Annabelle Knight explains that "the build up of anticipation itself can be the biggest turn on." When you know you have a planned intimate evening, your mind starts preparing hours or even days in advance. You might find yourself thinking about your partner differently throughout the day, feeling excited about your upcoming time together.
Research supports this, showing that "couples who plan for sex find that they let their minds wander in anticipation of the big event, as their minds wander they become more imaginative."
2. You Actually Prioritize Your Relationship
One of the biggest benefits of scheduled sex is that it forces you to make your relationship a priority. As one expert puts it: "if a frequent, exciting, experimental and fun sex life is important to both parties in a relationship, then it's up to you to make sure it remains a priority."
When you schedule intimacy, you're essentially saying "our connection matters enough to protect this time." You're less likely to let work emails, household chores, or Netflix binges take over your evening.
3. Performance Pressure Actually Decreases
This one seems counterintuitive, but research shows that planned intimacy often reduces performance anxiety rather than increasing it. When both partners know what to expect and have agreed to focus on connection rather than "performance," the pressure to be spontaneously amazing actually decreases.
Studies show that "to eliminate performance anxiety, Masters and Johnson emphasized the undemanding nature of the sensual exchange." When sex is scheduled, couples can approach it with "touching without any expectations attached or preconceptions accompanying participants."
4. You Get More Experimental
Research indicates that "lots of couples who plan for sex find that they let their minds wander in anticipation of the big event, as their minds wander they become more imaginative. Lots of couples incorporate role-play, sex toys or just try something new during planned sessions."
When you have dedicated time set aside, you're more likely to try new things, explore fantasies, or spend more time on activities you usually rush through.
5. Other Areas of Your Relationship Improve
Studies show that "it's also great for boosting intimacy levels and you'll start to find that other areas of your relationship will improve as well." Regular physical intimacy—even when scheduled—tends to increase emotional connection, communication, and overall relationship satisfaction.
How to Schedule Sex Without Killing the Romance
If you're convinced that scheduled sex might be worth trying, here's how to do it in a way that actually enhances rather than dampens your connection:
Start Small and Flexible
Don't dive in with rigid timing. Maybe start with "Saturday morning is our time" rather than "exactly 10:30 AM for 45 minutes." The goal is to protect time for each other, not create another stressful appointment.
Focus on Connection, Not Just Sex
Think of it as scheduling intimate time together, not just intercourse. This could include massage, talking, cuddling, or whatever feels connecting for you both. Research shows that "sensate focus exercises start with non-genital touching, focusing on exploring sensory experiences together."
Make It an Event Worth Anticipating
Put effort into making your scheduled time special. This might mean:
Taking a shower and wearing something that makes you feel good
Setting the mood with candles, music, or whatever atmosphere you both enjoy
Planning a whole evening together, not just the sexual part
Trying something new or revisiting something you both enjoyed
Communicate About It
Talk about what you both want from your scheduled time. Are you hoping for passionate sex? Gentle intimacy? Playful experimentation? Being on the same page helps manage expectations and increases satisfaction.
Keep Some Spontaneity Too
Scheduled sex doesn't have to replace all spontaneous intimacy. Think of it as a foundation—ensuring you connect regularly—while still leaving room for those unplanned moments when they happen.
When Scheduled Sex Is Especially Helpful
Certain couples and life circumstances make scheduled intimacy particularly beneficial:
Busy Schedules and Different Rhythms
If one partner is a morning person and the other is a night owl, or if you have conflicting work schedules, planning helps ensure you actually connect when you're both available and energetic.
Parents (Especially of Young Kids)
Let's be real—when you have little kids, spontaneous sex often means "quick, the baby's napping for 20 minutes." Scheduling allows you to arrange childcare, plan for when kids are at activities, or simply ensure you're both awake at the same time.
Recovering from Sexual Difficulties
Research shows that "sensate focus exercises are a paramount tool for enhancing sexual intimacy" for couples dealing with sexual dysfunction, performance anxiety, or trauma recovery. "Certified sex therapists often recommend Sensate Focus to couples who struggle with a number of sexual dysfunctions."
Long-Distance or Frequently Traveling Couples
When you have limited time together, scheduling ensures you prioritize intimacy rather than spending all your reunion time catching up on logistics.
Getting Back on Track After Dry Spells
If you've gone through a period of little to no sex (which happens to most couples at some point), scheduled intimacy can help you rebuild that connection without the pressure of it happening "naturally."
Addressing the Common Concerns
"But What If I'm Not in the Mood?"
This is probably the biggest concern people have. Here's what therapists suggest: show up anyway, but with the understanding that it doesn't have to lead to intercourse. Sometimes just spending intimate time together, talking, touching, or cuddling can shift your mood. And sometimes it doesn't—and that's okay too.
The key is communicating about how you're feeling rather than just skipping or avoiding.
"It Feels So Unromantic"
Research suggests reframing how you think about it. "The planning of an entire evening - or morning, or weekend - purely for having sex, shows that we're both willing to dedicate actual, quality time to our sex life."
Think about it: you plan date nights, vacations, and other special experiences. Why should intimacy be different?
"What If We Schedule It and It's Terrible?"
Not every scheduled intimate time will be amazing, just like not every spontaneous encounter is mind-blowing. The goal isn't perfection—it's connection and prioritizing your relationship.
Studies show that the benefits come from consistency and effort, not from every single encounter being perfect.
Professional Support for Intimate Relationships
If you're struggling with intimacy—whether it's about frequency, quality, communication, or connection—you don't have to figure it out alone. Research consistently shows that "sex therapy techniques comprise behavioural and cognitive as well as psychodynamic and educational interventions" that can be incredibly helpful for couples.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that every couple's intimacy challenges are unique. Whether you're dealing with mismatched desires, performance anxiety, communication issues, or just the general challenges of maintaining connection in a busy life, our therapists can help.
We know that talking about sex and intimacy can feel awkward or vulnerable. Our sex therapists and couples counselors create a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore what's working and what isn't in your intimate relationship.
Our approach includes:
Evidence-based techniques like sensate focus therapy and communication skills training
Individual and couples therapy options depending on your needs
Practical strategies for rebuilding intimacy and connection
Understanding of modern relationship challenges like busy schedules, parenting stress, and life transitions
Your intimate relationship deserves attention and care. Whether you're curious about scheduled intimacy, dealing with sexual difficulties, or just wanting to strengthen your connection, we're here to help you build the fulfilling relationship you both want.
Ready to prioritize your intimacy? Contact Sagebrush Counseling today to schedule a consultation. Sometimes the best spontaneous moments happen when you've created the foundation for them to flourish.
Your Questions About Scheduled Sex, Answered
Q: Doesn't scheduling sex kill the romance and spontaneity?
A: Not necessarily! Research shows that "the build up of anticipation itself can be the biggest turn on." Many couples find that planning for intimacy actually increases anticipation and allows them to be more present during their time together. Plus, you can still have spontaneous moments—scheduling just ensures you don't go weeks without connecting.
Q: What if one of us isn't in the mood when our scheduled time comes around?
A: This is totally normal and expected. The key is showing up for your planned time together, even if it doesn't lead to sex. Sometimes intimacy might mean talking, cuddling, massage, or just spending focused time together. Communication about how you're feeling is more important than forcing anything to happen.
Q: How often should we schedule sex?
A: There's no "right" frequency—it depends on your needs, schedules, and preferences. Some couples benefit from weekly scheduled time, others prefer twice a month. Start with what feels manageable and adjust based on how it's working for your relationship. Quality and consistency matter more than frequency.
Q: What if our scheduled sex sessions feel awkward or forced at first?
A: That's completely normal! Most couples report some initial awkwardness when they start scheduling intimacy. Research shows that "couples do well when seen weekly and by one therapist" for support during this adjustment. Give it time and focus on connection rather than performance. Many couples find it gets more natural and enjoyable with practice.
Q: Can we still have spontaneous sex if we're scheduling it too?
A: Absolutely! Scheduled intimacy isn't meant to replace all spontaneous moments—it's meant to ensure you connect regularly regardless of how chaotic life gets. Think of it as a foundation that supports your relationship, while still leaving room for those unplanned passionate moments.
Q: Is scheduled sex recommended by actual therapists?
A: Yes! Research shows that "certified sex therapists often recommend" structured approaches to intimacy like sensate focus therapy, which is essentially scheduled intimate time. "Sex scheduling is becoming increasingly popular with many couples and as a certified couples' counsellor I am a huge advocate of using any strategy that helps to benefit your relationship sexually."
References
Bay Area CBT Center. (2024). "Exploring Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy Techniques." https://bayareacbtcenter.com/exploring-sensate-focus-in-sex-therapy/
BetterHelp. (2022). "Sex Therapy & Sensate Focus Therapy." https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/the-benefits-of-sensate-focus-therapy/
Modern Intimacy. (2024). "Why Sensate Focus is One of the Most Popular Sex Therapy Techniques." https://www.modernintimacy.com/why-sensate-focus-is-one-of-the-most-popular-sex-therapy-techniques/
National Center for Biotechnology Information. "Psychological and interpersonal dimensions of sexual function and dysfunction." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4442989/
Cosmopolitan UK. (2017). "Planned sex | Scheduled sex." https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a12436465/scheduling-in-time-for-sex/
