How to Set Boundaries with Parents

Mar 1

Written By A G

Let’s just say it: setting boundaries with your parents can feel really hard.

Even as adults, so many of us carry a complicated mix of love, guilt, obligation, and “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” when it comes to saying no or asking for space. Maybe they call constantly. Maybe they show up unannounced. Maybe they offer advice you didn’t ask for—or make you feel like a teenager again, even though you're paying your own bills.

Whatever it looks like, if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or just drained after interacting with your parents… you’re not alone. And you’re not selfish for needing boundaries.

In fact, healthy boundaries are one of the kindest things you can offer yourself—and your relationship with them.

What Do We Even Mean by “Boundaries”?

Think of boundaries as invisible lines that protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. They’re not walls to shut people out—they’re guidelines for how you want to be treated.

With parents, this might mean:

How often you talk or visit
What topics are okay to discuss
Whether they comment on your body, your parenting, or your choices
How involved they are in your personal life

Boundaries don’t mean you love your parents less. They mean you’re choosing to relate to them from a place of self-respect—and mutual respect.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Complicated

If you grew up in a household where boundaries weren’t modeled (think enmeshment, guilt trips, or “but we’re family!”), it’s normal for this to feel foreign or even scary. You might worry:

“They’ll think I don’t care.”
“I’ll upset them.”
“I feel guilty—am I being mean?”

Here’s the truth: boundaries often bring short-term discomfort in exchange for long-term peace. And the people who react the strongest to your boundaries are usually the ones who benefitted from you not having any.

Signs You Might Need to Set a Boundary

You dread their calls or visits
You feel like you can’t be yourself around them
They regularly ignore your requests
You’re constantly explaining or justifying your choices
You feel anxious, small, or guilty after spending time with them

If any of that sounds familiar, it might be time for a reset.

How to Start Setting Boundaries With Parents

1. Get Clear on What You Need

Before you talk to them, spend time with yourself. What boundary would help you feel calmer, safer, or more grounded?

Examples:

“I need to limit our phone calls to once a week.”
“I don’t want to talk about my dating life right now.”
“I need space to parent in my own way.”

If it feels vague, ask yourself: What’s been bothering me? What would feel better?

2. Communicate the Boundary Calmly and Clearly

You don’t have to justify, over-explain, or make a long case. Boundaries are not debates.

Try:

“I’ve realized I need to keep our Sunday evenings just for our family, so we won’t be able to talk on the phone then anymore.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not open to discussing that topic.”
“Please don’t comment on my appearance. It’s something I’m working on privately.”

Short. Clear. Kind. No need for a TED Talk.

3. Expect Some Pushback (And Stay Grounded)

Especially if this is new, your parent(s) might react with confusion, defensiveness, or even guilt-tripping.

They might say:

“You’ve changed.”
“Why are you being so distant?”
“I was just trying to help!”

This doesn’t mean the boundary was wrong. It just means it's new. And change is hard—for them and for you.

4. Hold the Line with Compassion

Setting a boundary is one thing. Holding it is another. If they test your limits or try to go around them, gently remind them:

“Remember we talked about this? I really need you to respect that.”
“I’m not available to talk about this again.”
“I love you, and this is important to me.”

Over time, many parents adjust. And even if they don’t like the boundary, they may come to respect it—especially if you stay consistent.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Things

Guilt. Sadness. Relief. Anger. All of it is normal.

You’re allowed to grieve the version of your relationship you wished you had, even while building one that feels healthier now.

Talk to a therapist, journal, vent to a friend—just don’t bottle it up or shame yourself for having feelings.

What If They Don’t Respect My Boundaries?

If a parent continues to overstep despite your clear communication, it’s okay to create more distance or set firmer consequences.

For example:

Shorter visits
Taking a break from communication
Saying “I won’t be able to talk if the boundary isn’t respected”

You don’t owe anyone constant access to you—especially at the cost of your mental health.

You’re Not a Bad Child for Wanting Boundaries

You’re a whole adult, with your own life, needs, and inner world. Wanting to protect that doesn’t make you cold or selfish. It makes you wise.

Sometimes, boundaries are the very thing that allow a relationship to survive—or even grow stronger. They help you show up as the version of yourself you want to be: not resentful or reactive, but loving, grounded, and clear.

And that’s something worth protecting.

Need support setting boundaries with family?
You're not alone. I help adults untangle complicated family dynamics and create relationships that feel healthier and more balanced. If you’re ready for support, reach out to schedule a session.

A G