Signs You’re Gaslighting Yourself
I know I felt hurt by what they said, but maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I probably deserved it anyway. I always overreact to things… I hear variations of this internal dialogue people who've become so skilled at invalidating their own experiences that they no longer trust their own perceptions, feelings, or memories.
This is self-gaslighting in action, and it's far more common than most people realize. Unlike being gaslit by someone else, self-gaslighting is something we do to ourselves – constantly questioning our reality, minimizing our experiences, and talking ourselves out of what we know to be true. It's like having an internal prosecutor who's convinced that you're always wrong, always overreacting, and never quite seeing things clearly.
After years of helping people reclaim their inner voice and trust their own experience, I've learned that self-gaslighting isn't a character flaw – it's often a survival mechanism that's outlived its usefulness. Let me walk you through how to recognize it and, more importantly, how to stop doing it to yourself.
Self-Gaslighting: The Internal Invalidation Machine
Self-gaslighting is the process of chronically doubting, minimizing, or invalidating your own thoughts, feelings, memories, and perceptions. It's like having internalized a critical voice that constantly tells you that your version of reality can't be trusted.
This often develops as a protective mechanism. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were regularly dismissed, your perceptions were questioned, or your reality was denied, you learned to do this work preemptively. Better to doubt yourself first than to risk being invalidated by others.
The problem is that what once protected you from external invalidation now prevents you from trusting your own experience and advocating for your needs.
Self-Gaslighting: Where It All Begins
Understanding why we develop self-gaslighting patterns can be incredibly validating and helps explain why simply "thinking more positively" isn't enough to break these cycles. Self-gaslighting doesn't happen in a vacuum – it develops as a response to specific environmental and relational experiences.
Childhood Invalidation and Dismissal
The most common root of self-gaslighting lies in childhood experiences where your emotional reality was regularly questioned or dismissed. This might have looked like:
Emotional Minimization: "You're being too dramatic," "It's not that bad," or "You're overreacting" became regular responses to your feelings. Over time, you internalized these messages and began applying them to yourself before anyone else could.
Reality Distortion: Perhaps a parent would deny things that happened ("I never said that") or rewrite history to suit their narrative ("You're remembering it wrong"). Children who experience this learn to doubt their own memory and perceptions as a survival mechanism.
Conditional Love Based on Emotional Expression: In some families, love and acceptance are only available when you're happy, grateful, or "easy." Children learn that their authentic emotions are threats to their security, so they begin invalidating their own feelings to maintain connection.
Narcissistic and Emotionally Abusive Relationships
Experiencing gaslighting from romantic partners, friends, or family members can create lasting patterns of self-doubt. When someone consistently tells you that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings are inappropriate, or your memories are faulty, you may begin to internalize their voice.
The particularly insidious thing about external gaslighting is that it often starts subtly. The person might begin by questioning small things – your memory of a conversation, your interpretation of their tone – before escalating to larger invalidations of your reality. By the time you recognize the pattern, you may have already begun to doubt yourself automatically.
Cultural and Societal Messages
Some self-gaslighting patterns develop from broader cultural messages about whose feelings and experiences matter:
Gender-Based Invalidation: Messages that women are "too emotional" or "too sensitive" can lead to chronic self-doubt about the validity of emotional responses. Similarly, men may learn to gaslight themselves about having vulnerable feelings because they've been taught these emotions are "weak."
Cultural Suppression of Emotion: Some cultures emphasize stoicism, compliance, or putting others' needs first to such a degree that individual emotional experiences become seen as selfish or inappropriate. This can create patterns of automatically dismissing your own needs and feelings.
Systemic Invalidation: Members of marginalized communities may learn to gaslight themselves about experiences of discrimination or bias because their realities are regularly questioned by dominant culture narratives.
Perfectionism and High Achievement Environments
Paradoxically, environments that seem positive – focused on achievement and success – can also foster self-gaslighting. When love, approval, or belonging are conditional on performance, people learn to invalidate any feelings or experiences that might interfere with meeting those expectations.
I've worked with many high achievers who learned to gaslight themselves about stress, exhaustion, or emotional needs because acknowledging these feelings felt like admissions of weakness or failure. The internal message becomes: "If I were strong/smart/capable enough, this wouldn't bother me."
Attachment Trauma and Early Relationships
Disrupted attachment relationships in early childhood can create lasting patterns of self-doubt. When caregivers are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or overwhelming, children often conclude that the problem lies within them rather than in the relationship dynamic.
This can create what psychologists call "learned helplessness" around trusting your own experience. If your early attempts to communicate needs or express feelings were met with confusion, rejection, or chaos, you may have learned that your internal experience is unreliable or dangerous to express.
Trauma and Survival Responses
Sometimes self-gaslighting develops as a trauma response. When something terrible happens, the mind may find it more bearable to doubt the severity of the experience ("It wasn't that bad") or blame yourself ("I must have caused this somehow") than to fully face the reality of being hurt by someone you trusted or loved.
This kind of self-gaslighting can feel protective in the short term – it maintains the illusion that you have control and that the world is safer than it actually felt in that moment. But over time, it disconnects you from your ability to recognize and respond appropriately to genuine threats or harmful situations.
The Intergenerational Component
Self-gaslighting patterns often run in families, not because they're genetic, but because they're modeled and taught. Parents who learned to doubt their own experiences often unconsciously pass these patterns to their children, either by directly invalidating them or by modeling self-invalidation.
You might have grown up watching a parent constantly second-guess themselves, apologize for their feelings, or minimize their own needs. Children are keen observers, and they often internalize these patterns as "normal" ways of relating to oneself.
Understanding these origins isn't about blame – it's about recognizing that self-gaslighting made sense given your experiences. Your psyche was trying to protect you, maintain connections, and survive in whatever environment you found yourself in. The patterns that developed were adaptive at the time, even if they no longer serve you now.
How Traditional CBT Reveals Self-Gaslighting Patterns
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has long recognized the patterns of thinking that contribute to emotional distress. When we look at self-gaslighting through a CBT lens, we can see several familiar cognitive distortions at play:
All-or-Nothing Thinking in Self-Invalidation
"I'm either completely right or completely wrong." This thinking pattern often leads to dismissing valid experiences because they're not "perfect" complaints or feelings.
Mind Reading and Fortune Telling
"Everyone thinks I'm overreacting" or "If I speak up, they'll just think I'm dramatic." You assume you know what others are thinking and predict negative outcomes, then use these assumptions to invalidate your own experience.
Emotional Reasoning Reversal
Instead of "I feel it, therefore it must be true," self-gaslighting creates "I shouldn't feel this way, therefore my feelings aren't valid." You use the intensity of your emotions as evidence that you're overreacting rather than as information about your experience.
The Shoulds and Musts
"I should be stronger," "I shouldn't let this bother me," "I must be misunderstanding." These create impossible standards that your human experience can't meet, leading to chronic self-invalidation.
While CBT helps identify these patterns, I've found that simply recognizing cognitive distortions isn't always enough to stop self-gaslighting. That's where other therapeutic approaches become invaluable.
The ACT Approach: A Different Path Forward
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a fundamentally different approach to self-gaslighting. Instead of focusing on changing your thoughts, ACT helps you develop a new relationship with them.
Psychological Flexibility vs. Self-Invalidation
ACT's core concept of psychological flexibility is the antidote to self-gaslighting. Instead of getting caught up in whether your thoughts and feelings are "right" or "wrong," you learn to hold them lightly and respond to what matters most to you.
For example, instead of debating whether you "should" feel hurt by a comment, ACT would help you notice: "I'm having the thought that I shouldn't feel hurt" and "I'm having the feeling of being hurt." Both can be true simultaneously, and neither needs to be judged or changed.
Values-Based Validation
ACT helps you connect with your values – what truly matters to you – as a guide for action rather than relying on whether your feelings are "justified." If authenticity is a value for you, then honoring your genuine feelings becomes important regardless of whether others might judge them as "too sensitive."
Defusion from Self-Gaslighting Thoughts
ACT teaches defusion techniques that help you step back from self-gaslighting thoughts rather than getting entangled in them. Instead of believing "I'm probably overreacting," you learn to notice "I'm having the thought that I'm probably overreacting" – creating space between you and the thought.
Recognizing the Signs: When You've Become Your Own Worst Critic
Self-gaslighting can be subtle, especially since it often masquerades as "being reasonable" or "being mature." Here are the patterns I watch for:
Chronic Self-Doubt About Your Perceptions
Constantly second-guessing your memory of events
Minimizing your experiences before anyone else has a chance to
Seeking excessive validation from others about whether your feelings are "normal"
Feeling confused about what actually happened in interpersonal situations
Preemptive Self-Invalidation
Immediately following up emotional expressions with disclaimers: "But I'm probably being dramatic"
Talking yourself out of feelings before fully experiencing them
Minimizing your needs: "It's not that big of a deal" or "Other people have it worse"
Apologizing for having emotional responses
The Internal Prosecutor Voice
Having an inner dialogue that sounds like cross-examination
Constantly finding evidence for why you're wrong, overreacting, or being unreasonable
Rarely giving yourself the benefit of the doubt
Treating your own emotions as evidence of character flaws
Difficulty Advocating for Yourself
Struggling to express needs or set boundaries because you've convinced yourself they're unreasonable
Backing down from your own position before anyone challenges it
Feeling guilty for taking up space or having preferences
Defaulting to others' perspectives even when they contradict your direct experience
The "Maybe I'm Crazy" Phenomenon
Questioning your own sanity when your experience differs from others'
Feeling like you must be "too sensitive" or "too intense"
Wondering if you're making things up or imagining problems
Feeling disconnected from your own emotional reality
How Self-Gaslighting Shows Up in Different Areas of Life
In Relationships
"Maybe I'm being clingy for wanting more attention." You dismiss your legitimate relationship needs because you've convinced yourself they're excessive or unreasonable. You might stay in relationships that don't meet your needs because you've gaslit yourself into believing your needs are too much.
At Work
"I'm probably just not cut out for this kind of feedback." Instead of recognizing that harsh or unfair criticism affects you normally, you blame yourself for having a reaction. You might accept mistreatment because you've convinced yourself you're too sensitive.
With Family
"I know they love me, so I shouldn't feel hurt by what they said." You invalidate your emotional response to hurtful behavior from family members, often because you feel you "should" be more understanding or forgiving.
In Daily Life
"I'm making a big deal out of nothing." You minimize your responses to genuinely stressful situations, leaving yourself without appropriate support or self-care because you've convinced yourself your struggles aren't valid.
The Trauma Connection: Why Self-Gaslighting Develops
Self-gaslighting often has roots in early experiences where your reality was regularly questioned or dismissed. This might include:
Growing up with a parent who denied your emotional experiences
Being in relationships where your perceptions were constantly challenged
Experiencing gaslighting from others and internalizing their messages
Living in environments where expressing needs or emotions felt unsafe
Cultural or familial messages that your feelings don't matter
Understanding this connection isn't about blame – it's about recognizing that self-gaslighting made sense at one time. It protected you from further invalidation. Now, it's time to update this outdated protective mechanism.
Breaking the Cycle: Practical Strategies
The Reality Check Practice
When you catch yourself in self-gaslighting, try this three-step process:
Notice: "I'm questioning my own experience right now"
Pause: "What would I tell a good friend in this exact situation?"
Validate: "My feelings make sense given what I experienced"
The Evidence Lawyer Exercise
Instead of only building a case against yourself, become your own defense attorney:
What evidence supports that my feelings are reasonable?
What would someone who cares about me say about this situation?
If my best friend experienced this, what would I tell them?
Values-Based Decision Making
When in doubt about whether your feelings are valid, connect with your values:
Does honoring this feeling align with authenticity (if that's a value)?
Does advocating for myself serve my relationships (if connection is a value)?
What action would I take if I knew my feelings were completely valid?
The Both/And Practice
Instead of either/or thinking, practice holding multiple truths:
"I can be sensitive AND my feelings can be valid"
"They can be a good person AND their behavior can be hurtful"
"I can be imperfect AND deserving of respect"
Mindful Self-Compassion
When you notice self-gaslighting, try responding with compassion:
"This is a moment of suffering for me"
"It makes sense that I would doubt myself given my history"
"What do I need right now to feel supported?"
Finding the Right Therapeutic Support
Not all therapy approaches are equally effective for addressing self-gaslighting patterns. Here's what to look for:
ACT Therapists
Look for therapists specifically trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT's focus on psychological flexibility and values-based living can be particularly helpful for breaking self-gaslighting cycles.
Trauma-Informed Approaches
Since self-gaslighting often has trauma roots, look for therapists who understand trauma-informed care. This might include:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Somatic therapies that help you reconnect with your body's wisdom
Internal Family Systems (IFS) to heal the internal critic
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for emotional regulation skills
Qualities to Seek in Any Therapist
Regardless of modality, look for therapists who:
Validate your experiences rather than immediately challenging your thoughts
Help you develop self-trust rather than just self-awareness
Understand the difference between accountability and self-attack
Support you in honoring your needs and boundaries
Rebuilding Self-Trust: The Long Game
Overcoming self-gaslighting isn't a quick fix – it's a process of slowly rebuilding trust in your own experience. This involves:
Starting Small
Begin by validating yourself in low-stakes situations. Practice trusting your preferences about food, music, or activities before tackling bigger emotional experiences.
Building a Support Network
Surround yourself with people who naturally validate your experiences. Notice the difference between how you feel around people who gaslight you (either intentionally or not) versus those who support your reality.
Tracking Patterns
Keep a journal of times when you doubt yourself versus times when you trust your experience. Look for patterns in triggers, situations, and your internal responses.
Self-Advocacy Wins
Acknowledge every time you honor your feelings, set a boundary, or trust your perception. These victories, however small, are rebuilding your capacity for self-trust.
Developing Internal Validation Skills
Learn to validate yourself the way you would validate a good friend. This isn't about agreeing with every thought or feeling, but about acknowledging that your experiences make sense given your history and circumstances.
The Relationship Revolution
When you stop gaslighting yourself, your relationships inevitably change. You might:
Start setting boundaries you never dared to set before
Feel less confused in interpersonal conflicts
Attract people who naturally validate your experience
Move away from relationships that require you to minimize yourself
Feel more confident in your own judgment and decision-making
This can be uncomfortable at first, especially if people around you were used to your self-doubt. But authentic relationships require authentic people, and you can't be authentic while constantly questioning your own reality.
When Therapy Makes All the Difference
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that you don't have to figure this out alone. Self-gaslighting patterns are deeply ingrained and often require professional support to fully address.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that healing from self-gaslighting requires more than just cognitive awareness – it requires rebuilding trust in your own experience and learning to honor your inner wisdom. Our therapists are trained in ACT, trauma-informed approaches, and other evidence-based modalities that can help you stop being your own worst critic and start being your own best advocate.
Whether you're struggling with chronic self-doubt, difficulty trusting your own perceptions, or patterns of minimizing your own needs and experiences, therapy can provide the support and tools you need to reclaim your voice and trust your reality.
Remember: questioning yourself occasionally is normal and healthy. But when self-doubt becomes your default mode and you can't trust your own experience, it's time to examine these patterns and learn a different way of relating to yourself.
From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
Breaking free from self-gaslighting isn't about becoming stubborn or refusing to consider other perspectives. It's about developing the capacity to trust your own experience while remaining open to growth and feedback. It's about becoming curious about your feelings rather than immediately dismissing them.
Your feelings, perceptions, and experiences matter. They don't need to be perfect or universally understood to be valid. They don't need external validation to be real. You don't need to convince anyone – including yourself – that you have the right to feel what you feel.
The voice that tells you you're overreacting, being too sensitive, or making things up isn't the voice of wisdom or maturity. It's often the internalized voice of people who couldn't handle your authentic self. But you can learn to turn down the volume on that critical voice and turn up the volume on the part of you that knows your truth.
You deserve to trust yourself. You deserve to have your experiences validated. And most importantly, you deserve to be the author of your own story rather than the prosecutor in your own trial.
The journey from self-gaslighting to self-trust isn't always linear, but it's always worth it. Every time you choose to honor your experience instead of dismissing it, you're rebuilding the most important relationship you'll ever have – the one with yourself.
If you're ready to stop gaslighting yourself and start building a trusting relationship with your own experience, our therapists at Sagebrush Counseling are here to support you. We offer ACT, trauma-informed therapy, and other approaches that can help you reclaim your inner voice and trust your reality.
This blog post is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care. If you're struggling with chronic self-doubt, difficulty trusting your perceptions, or patterns of self-invalidation that significantly impact your life, please consider seeking professional support.
FAQ: Signs You’re Gaslighting Yourself
What does it mean to gaslight yourself?
Gaslighting yourself happens when you question your own feelings, memories, or instincts to the point of invalidating them. Instead of trusting your experiences, you convince yourself you’re “overreacting” or “making things up.”
How is self-gaslighting different from self-doubt?
Self-doubt is normal and happens to everyone. Self-gaslighting goes a step further — it actively dismisses your reality, making you feel like you can’t trust your own inner voice.
What are the main signs of self-gaslighting?
Common signs include apologizing constantly, downplaying your emotions, telling yourself you’re too sensitive, or second-guessing your decisions even when you know the facts.
Why do people gaslight themselves?
It often develops from past experiences — growing up around criticism, being in a toxic relationship, or internalizing cultural or family messages that taught you not to trust yourself.
Can self-gaslighting affect relationships?
Yes. If you don’t trust your own perspective, it’s hard to set boundaries or communicate clearly. This can lead to staying in unhealthy relationships or feeling disconnected from partners and friends.
Is self-gaslighting linked to trauma?
For many people, yes. Trauma survivors often learn to minimize or question their feelings as a survival strategy, which can carry into everyday life as self-gaslighting.
How can I tell if I’m gaslighting myself at work?
Signs include second-guessing your accomplishments, brushing off praise, or blaming yourself for problems that aren’t fully your responsibility.
What can I do to stop gaslighting myself?
Start by noticing the phrases you tell yourself like “I’m just being dramatic.” Replace them with validating thoughts such as “My feelings make sense.” Journaling, therapy, and practicing self-compassion are powerful tools.
Can therapy help with self-gaslighting?
Definitely. A therapist can help you learn to trust your emotions, challenge negative thought patterns, and build healthier self-talk.
How do I know when it’s time to get professional help?
If self-gaslighting is leaving you anxious, stuck in unhealthy dynamics, or constantly doubting yourself, it may be time to reach out for counseling. Therapy can provide the safe space you need to rebuild trust in yourself.
