Tired of “Just Practice Self-Care”? Here’s What Actually Works
Everyone tells me to practice self-care, but I've tried bubble baths and face masks and I still feel terrible. What am I doing wrong? - sound familiar? The problem is that mainstream self-care advice has been commercialized into shallow solutions that don't address what you're actually struggling with. Real self-care isn't about adding more things to your to-do list. It's about fundamentally changing how you relate to yourself and your needs.
Move Beyond the Buzzwords
If “self-care” has started to feel meaningless, therapy can help you uncover what true restoration looks like for you—without the pressure to be perfect.
Schedule a ConsultationWhy Surface-Level Self-Care Doesn't Work
There is a self-care pattern: people try all the "self-care" activities they see on social media—meditation apps, journaling, yoga, skincare routines—and when they still feel anxious, depressed, or burnt out, they blame themselves for not doing it "right."
But surface-level self-care doesn't work because it treats symptoms without addressing root causes. A lavender candle won't fix chronic boundary violations. A morning routine won't heal unprocessed trauma. A massage can't compensate for a fundamentally unsustainable lifestyle.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, self-care is important for managing stress and mental health, but it must be combined with addressing underlying issues like untreated mental health conditions, toxic environments, and unmet core needs.
What Actually Counts as Self-Care
Real self-care often looks nothing like the aesthetic Instagram posts. Here's what it actually involves:
Self-Care Is Setting Boundaries
People tend to exhaust themselves by saying yes to everything and everyone. True self-care means:
Saying no without guilt or over-explanation
Ending relationships that consistently drain or harm you
Limiting time with people who don't respect your boundaries
Turning off your phone when you need uninterrupted rest
Leaving jobs, friendships, or situations that are destroying your mental health
Setting boundaries often feels terrible in the moment because you're breaking old patterns of people-pleasing. But protecting your energy and wellbeing is one of the most powerful forms of self-care.
Self-Care Is Addressing What You're Avoiding
Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for yourself is face what you've been pushing down:
Finally making that therapy appointment you've been putting off
Having the difficult conversation you've been avoiding
Addressing the relationship issue instead of pretending it's fine
Looking at your financial situation honestly
Getting that medical symptom checked out
Processing grief instead of staying busy to avoid feeling it
Avoidance might feel like self-preservation, but it creates more suffering long-term. Real self-care involves moving toward healing, even when it's uncomfortable.
Self-Care Is Meeting Your Basic Needs
This sounds obvious, but as a therapist, I work with so many people who chronically neglect fundamentals:
Actually eating regular meals (not just coffee until 3pm)
Getting adequate sleep instead of scrolling until 2am
Drinking water throughout the day
Taking prescribed medications consistently
Going to medical and dental appointments
Moving your body in ways that feel good
Spending time outside
You can't out-journal chronic sleep deprivation. You can't meditate away malnutrition. Meeting basic physical needs is foundational to mental health.
Self-Care Is Creating Sustainable Structures
The self-care industry sells individual solutions to systemic problems. But sometimes what you need isn't another self-soothing technique—it's structural change:
Asking for accommodations at work for your mental health
Renegotiating household labor with your partner
Reducing commitments instead of adding relaxation activities
Changing your work schedule or finding a different job
Moving out of an unhealthy living situation
Real self-care might mean making big, scary changes to create a life that doesn't require constant recovery from.
Self-Care Is Getting Professional Support
One of the most profound acts of self-care is seeking help when you need it. Therapy isn't a luxury or a last resort, it's a tool for understanding yourself, processing difficult experiences, and developing healthier patterns.
Many people wait until they're in crisis to reach out for support. But therapy is most effective when you use it proactively, not just reactively. Working with a therapist gives you personalized strategies that actually address your specific challenges, not generic advice from the internet.
Self-Care Is Feeling Your Feelings
Our culture teaches us to avoid, suppress, or toxic-positivity our way through difficult emotions. But emotions are information. They tell you what needs attention.
Real self-care includes:
Letting yourself cry when you're sad
Acknowledging anger instead of swallowing it
Sitting with anxiety rather than constantly distracting from it
Processing disappointment instead of immediately moving on
This doesn't mean wallowing or staying stuck, it means giving yourself permission to have a human emotional experience without judgment.
Self-Care Is Self-Compassion
People who can be incredibly compassionate toward others but brutally harsh with themselves. They beat themselves up for struggling, compare themselves constantly to others, and hold themselves to impossible standards.
Self-compassion means:
Talking to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you love
Accepting that you're human and will make mistakes
Giving yourself permission to rest without earning it
Acknowledging your efforts even when outcomes aren't perfect
Recognizing that struggling doesn't mean you're failing
When Self-Care Isn't Enough
Here's what I want you to know as a therapist: if you're practicing genuine self-care and still struggling significantly with anxiety, depression, trauma symptoms, or other mental health concerns, that's not a failure of self-care—that's information that you need additional support.
Mental health conditions require treatment, not just lifestyle adjustments. Therapy can help you address underlying issues that self-care alone can't fix, including:
Unprocessed trauma
Chronic anxiety or depression
Relationship patterns that keep causing pain
Deeply ingrained negative beliefs about yourself
Complex grief and loss
Life transitions that feel overwhelming
You don't have to white-knuckle your way through everything alone. Getting professional support is self-care.
The Self-Care Nobody Talks About
The most powerful self-care is often the hardest:
Ending the relationship that's been hurting you for years
Quitting the job that's destroying your mental health
Cutting off contact with family members who are emotionally abusive
Admitting you have a problem with substances, spending, or other behaviors
Letting go of the life you thought you'd have and accepting where you are
Forgiving yourself for past mistakes
Asking for help even though vulnerability terrifies you
This kind of self-care doesn't come in a pretty package with a bow. It's messy, scary, and uncomfortable. But it's what creates actual, lasting change.
Start Where You Are
If you're exhausted by performative self-care advice, start with one honest question: "What do I actually need right now?"
Not what you think you should need. Not what works for other people. Not what would look good on social media.
What do you genuinely need? The most sustainable self-care comes from developing a compassionate, honest relationship with yourself, knowing what you need, respecting those needs, and taking action to meet them, even when it's difficult.
Redefine What Caring for Yourself Means
Real self-care is about learning to meet your needs, not just checking off wellness boxes. Let’s explore what true emotional care can look like for you.
Reach Out TodayReady to Develop Real Self-Care Practices?
If you're tired of surface-level solutions and ready to address what's actually going on beneath the exhaustion, anxiety, or overwhelm, therapy can help. Working with a therapist provides personalized support for understanding your specific needs and developing sustainable strategies that actually work for your life.
References:
National Institute of Mental Health. "Caring for Your Mental Health." NIMH.gov. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
