What Counts as Cheating?
“What Counts as Cheating?”
You might think everyone’s on the same page about what cheating is kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else, hiding a secret relationship. Easy, right? But in reality? It’s way more complicated than that. For some couples, flirting feels harmless. For others, even a like on Instagram can sting.
Here’s the real deal: cheating is whatever breaks the trust and agreements you and your partner have whether you’ve spelled them out clearly or not.
Picture this: you’re at dinner with your partner, and they keep laughing at their phone. They’re typing away, smiling at the screen, and when you peek over, they quickly close the app. You ask who it was, and they shrug you off — “Just a friend from work.”
Your stomach sinks. Sound familiar? You wouldn’t be alone. So many people feel confused these days about what counts as cheating.
That old-school idea of infidelity a one-night stand or an affair seems almost quaint now, compared to the messiness of DMs, dating apps, snap chats, work emails, flirty texts, and hidden follow lists.
Research shows about 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit to physical cheating. But those stats don’t even begin to cover what modern betrayal looks like.
In today’s world, what counts as cheating has turned into a moving target, and plenty of couples are struggling to keep up. Let’s look at what “cheating” really means today, and how you can talk with your partner about where you want to draw the line either together or through couples therapy.
Why Cheating Looks Different from Tech
Remember when cheating meant sneaking out to meet someone in person or having a one-night stand with someone at work? Technology has completely changed the way we connect with others and, sadly, how we betray the people we care about. Social media, dating apps, and messaging platforms have opened the door to something researchers now call digital infidelity. It’s a kind of betrayal that doesn’t happen in the physical world but through screens, from sexting to emotional affairs that start online.
The privacy and constant access of social media make it all too easy to begin these connections what some experts call micro-cheating.
Think about it: your partner could be on the couch right next to you, texting or sharing photos with someone else, building an intimate bond you know nothing about. They never even have to leave the house, but those boundaries still get crossed. What makes digital infidelity so complicated is how fast and easy it can happen.
This is what researchers describe as infidelity creep those little, “harmless” moments that slowly turn into something much bigger.
From DMs to Dating Apps: The New Gray Areas
This is exactly where a lot of couples start feeling confused. What counts as cheating these days, especially in these gray areas?
Take this for example: your partner keeps their Tinder profile active — but says it’s “just for fun” or “for entertainment.” Or maybe they’re swiping through matches but promise they’d never actually meet up with anyone.
Then there’s the sliding-into-DMs scenario. Maybe your partner follows someone attractive on Instagram. They start liking every photo. Then they move to commenting, and eventually slip into private messages. Where exactly does that cross the line? When the conversation starts? When it turns flirty? Or when they start talking about things they haven’t even shared with you?
The tricky part is that these interactions often start small. A simple follow becomes a like, a like becomes a comment, then a DM, and before you know it, your partner is sharing personal, intimate thoughts with someone who isn’t you.
It’s easy to rationalize each tiny step — “It’s not a big deal,” they might say. But these small choices can build up into a huge breach of trust.
Here are some real-life examples that come up more and more:
Keeping active dating app profiles while in a committed relationship
Having flirty conversations through social media DMs
Sharing personal photos or vulnerable thoughts with an online connection
Leaning on a potential romantic interest for emotional support, instead of your partner
Meeting up with dating app matches “as friends” without telling your partner
You’ll often hear defenses like “But we’re just friends!” or “Nothing physical ever happened!” — and sure, that might technically be true. But if someone is giving their attention, energy, or vulnerability to another person, it can feel like a betrayal just the same.
That’s why it’s so important for couples to get real about what emotional availability means — and whether they’re investing it in the relationship, or somewhere else.
Emotional Affairs: When It's Not Physical But Still Hurts
Here’s something that might surprise you: emotional affairs can hurt sometimes even more than physical cheating. Many people say discovering their partner’s emotional betrayal was even more painful than learning about a one-night stand.
An emotional affair usually means building deep, personal closeness with someone outside your relationship, without crossing physical lines. But the intimacy is still there. And often, that feels even harder to forgive. The reason why it can hurt more is because emotional connection you can’t just get anywhere and it takes time to form close connections and bonds with someone whereas a one-night stand can be a fleeting one time feeling.
Here’s what typically shows up in an emotional affair:
Sharing personal thoughts and feelings with someone else
Going to that person for support instead of your partner
Comparing your partner — usually in a negative way — to this other person
Looking forward to talking to that person more than talking to your partner
Hiding the connection from your partner
What makes emotional affairs so painful is the sense that your partner chose to invest their deepest thoughts, hopes, and energy in someone else. It can feel like being left out of the most meaningful part of the relationship.
Technology has made these affairs so much easier and more common. Text messages, social media, even video calls allow someone to build a powerful connection without ever meeting up in person. And because you can reach each other instantly, these relationships often grow fast and intensely, sometimes even surpassing the closeness of your primary relationship.
Emotional affairs don’t usually happen overnight. They tend to sneak up slowly a shared interest, a friendly check-in, then leaning on each other for support during hard times. But the red flag is secrecy. If someone starts hiding those conversations or downplaying how close they are, that’s a pretty strong sign things have crossed a line.
Does Going to Strip Clubs Count as Cheating?
This one comes up a lot in couples therapy. For some people, going to a strip club is “just entertainment.” For others, it feels intimate, disrespectful, or even completely crossing the line.
So, how do you know if it counts as cheating? It depends on the agreements you’ve made together and how you each feel about it.
Here are a few questions to think about:
Did you talk about it beforehand, or was it a secret?
Are you both on the same page about what’s okay and what’s off-limits?
Is going to the club about bonding with friends, or is it a way to escape problems at home?
Would you feel comfortable if the roles were reversed and your partner went?
Strip clubs can feel harmless to one person and like a huge betrayal to another. The key is the emotional context: if one partner feels lied to, disrespected, or triggered, then there’s a problem worth talking about.
It can help to be honest about why the strip club appeals in the first place. Is it just for a laugh and social time? Or does it fill an emotional or sexual gap you’re not talking about in your relationship?
Does Having a “Backup Plan” Count as Cheating?
Keeping someone “on standby” just in case your current relationship doesn’t work out might feel safer, but it can seriously damage trust. It’s a subtle form of betrayal, even if you never act on it.
Think about it: you’re holding emotional space for another person instead of being fully invested in your partner. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Am I fully emotionally committed to my current partner?
Would I be okay if they had a backup plan waiting in the wings?
Why do I feel like I need a Plan B at all? Is there something missing or something I’m afraid to address?
Having someone lined up “just in case” usually signals a lack of confidence in your relationship or a fear of being alone. It might be worth exploring those feelings together instead of keeping a secret safety net.
Does Talking to a Coworker Count as Cheating?
Most of us talk to our coworkers every day — that’s totally normal. But it can get complicated when emotional or sexual tension starts sneaking in.
So how do you know if you’ve crossed a line? Here are a few things to keep an eye on:
Are you sharing vulnerable or personal details you don’t share with your partner?
Do the compliments you give (or get) feel a little beyond what you’d say to just a friend?
Are you hiding the nature of these conversations from your partner?
Emotional affairs at work happen more often than people realize. After all, you spend hours together, often under stress, working side by side — it can feel easy to blur boundaries.
If you find yourself looking forward to talking with a coworker more than talking with your partner, or if you’d feel uncomfortable if your partner read the messages, it might be time to pause and think about what’s really going on.
The key is transparency. Having respectful work friendships is completely fine but if there’s secrecy, flirting, or a growing sense of emotional attachment, those blurred lines can quickly turn into something that feels like betrayal.
Is Flirty Texting Cheating? What About Liking Posts?
Is flirty texting cheating? Does liking someone’s Instagram post cross the line? The answer isn’t black and white. It depends on your relationship’s boundaries and the context.
Common digital behaviors:
Liking posts - Most people think this is harmless, and it usually is. But context matters. If your partner is liking every single selfie or swimsuit shot of someone they work with but never bothers to engage with your posts that might sting a bit. It could even hint at a deeper attraction worth talking about.
Flirty texting - This is where things start to get complicated. What exactly is “flirty”? Is it a quick compliment, an inside joke that excludes you, or even a sexual innuendo? If it’s a one-off, no big deal. But if the conversation is ongoing and has a flirty undertone, it can cross the line into emotional investment.
Commenting on posts - Comments are public, so they might seem innocent. But if your partner is leaving constant heart-eye emojis or suggestive comments, that still might feel disrespectful. It’s worth asking yourself: would you be comfortable if the roles were reversed?
Private messaging - Here’s where a lot of couples draw the line. Private conversations especially with someone who could be a romantic interest can turn into an emotional connection fast. If your partner is hiding these messages, or if they’d be embarrassed for you to see them, that’s a major red flag.
Sending flirty or intimate photos - This is basically the digital version of foreplay. Sharing photos meant to tempt, tease, or attract is usually a sign that something more is going on. Even if there’s no plan to meet up, it still pulls energy away from your primary relationship and can seriously damage trust.
At the end of the day, the real question isn’t just about the behavior. It’s about what those actions represent. Are these interactions filling an emotional or sexual need outside your relationship? Are they being kept secret? Are they taking away energy you’d otherwise give your partner?
If the answer is yes, then it’s time to have a serious conversation. If you need help having these conversations, reach out today to schedule an individual or couples therapy session.
How To Talk About Boundaries Before It Becomes a Problem
The best time to talk about what cheating means to you? Before anyone crosses a line not after and why premarital counseling can help have these conversations or even therapy if you just started dating. Having these conversations early can save you a lot of confusion, hurt, and messy fights down the road.
Here are a few things worth talking through:
Social media boundaries - How do you both feel about following exes? What about commenting on photos of people you find attractive? Is it okay to stay friends with someone you once dated? These are the things that can get tricky fast, so better to clear them up early.
Dating apps - If either of you used dating apps before you got together, what happens now? Should you delete them? Some couples feel fine keeping them just to look, while others see that as a major red flag. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer — just make sure you agree.
Sharing with others - What feels okay to share with friends, especially if they’re someone you might be attracted to? Where does harmless friendship cross into something more?
Privacy and openness - How much should you share about your messages, your phones, your social media? Do you want to know passwords, or would that feel like too much? It’s important that both of you feel comfortable and respected with whatever level of openness you choose.
Work relationships - A lot of affairs start at work, simply because people spend so much time together. It can help to talk about what feels appropriate and what feels off-limits when it comes to coworkers.
These boundaries aren’t about controlling each other. They’re about having honest, grown-up conversations that help both of you feel secure, valued, and on the same team. The details of the rules matter less than making sure you talk them through and stick to what you’ve agreed on together.
When Partners Disagree on What Counts as Cheating
So what happens if you and your partner don’t agree on what counts as cheating? It’s common and it can lead to a lot of hurt feelings if you don’t talk it through. People define cheating in all kinds of ways, depending on things like their culture, age, personal values, or past experiences. For some, cheating is strictly physical kissing, sex, anything like that. For others, emotional closeness feels even more threatening, especially if it’s hidden or secret to the other person.
Some people think any romantic energy outside the relationship crosses the line. Others might be okay with a little harmless flirting, as long as it doesn’t go any further.
Here are a few spots where couples often get tripped up:
Is it cheating to share your deepest thoughts with someone else, even if you never touch them?
Is it okay to stay friends with an ex?
Where does playful flirting cross the line?
Do the rules change if you’re drinking?
What counts before you’ve officially decided you’re exclusive?
You Get to Define the Rules
Cheating isn’t just sex. It’s secrecy. It’s disconnection. It’s crossing a line that was never agreed on.
The best thing you can do for your relationship isn’t to memorize a list of rules—it’s to talk about your expectations, values, and emotional safety with your partner. Because what counts as cheating… is what you two say it is. Need help navigating a betrayal or defining your relationship boundaries?
I offer counseling for individuals and couples.
How Couples Therapy Can Help You Define (and Respect) Boundaries
If you and your partner feel stuck, you don’t have to sort this out on your own. At Sagebrush Counseling, I help couples have real, honest conversations about what cheating means to them without judgment and without shame. Together, we can look at where your definitions of betrayal come from, explore why certain boundaries feel so important, and work toward agreements that help you both feel respected and secure.
At Sagebrush Counseling, you’ll find a calm, neutral space where you can:
Talk openly about what fidelity really means to each of you
Understand the worries and needs driving your boundaries
Learn how you attach and more on your attachment styles together as a couple
Learn healthier ways to communicate, even about tough topics
Process hurt feelings or betrayal
Strengthen your connection and move forward
At the end of the day, what counts as cheating in your relationship isn't determined by some universal rulebook it's determined by what feels like betrayal to you and your partner.
References
Institute for Family Studies. (2024). Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America. Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america
National Health and Social Life Survey. (2024). Infidelity Statistics and Demographics. Wikipedia. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity
Stowe Family Law. (2024). Digital cheating: How social media is redefining infidelity. Retrieved from https://www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/stowe-support/digital-cheating-how-social-media-is-redefining-infidelity/
HelloPrenup. (2024). How Technology Has Revolutionized Infidelity: The Impact of Social Media and Dating Apps on Cheating. Retrieved from https://helloprenup.com/relationships/how-technology-has-revolutionized-infidelity-the-impact-of-social-media-and-dating-apps-on-cheating/
PMC - National Center for Biotechnology Information. (2024). Relationship Satisfaction and Infidelity-Related Behaviors on Social Networks: A Preliminary Online Study of Hispanic Women. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8314247/
The Survey Center on American Life. (2025). Is America Experiencing an Infidelity Epidemic? Retrieved from https://www.americansurveycenter.org/newsletter/is-america-experiencing-an-infidelity-epidemic/
