What to Do When You’ve Been the Passive One in Your Relationship
You love your partner. You care deeply. But you’re starting to realize… you haven’t really shown up in the way you could.
Maybe you:
Default to “I don’t know” or “Whatever you want” a lot
Avoid hard conversations like the plague
Say yes even when you mean no
Wait for your partner to bring up problems, initiate plans, make the moves
And now, things feel off. There’s tension. You can sense they’re tired — of always carrying the load, of always guessing what you feel.
If any of this sounds familiar, I want to start here:
You’re not a bad partner. You’re not broken. You’re not beyond repair.
You’ve just been passive — maybe without realizing it. And you can change that, without needing to become someone you’re not.
Let’s talk about what passivity really looks like, where it comes from, and how you can start showing up in your relationship in a more confident, connected way.
What Does It Mean to Be Passive in a Relationship?
Being passive doesn’t mean you don’t care.
It usually means:
You don’t feel confident expressing what you want
You fear conflict or rejection
You’ve learned it’s safer to stay quiet than to risk being wrong
It might look like:
Avoiding decisions
Letting your partner lead everything
Shutting down emotionally when things get tense
Saying “yes” even when you’re not okay with something
And over time, this creates distance — not because you’re mean or manipulative, but because your partner doesn’t know how to feel you in the relationship anymore.
Why Does Passivity Happen?
There are so many reasons you might’ve slipped into a passive role. Maybe you were:
Raised in a family where speaking up wasn’t safe
Taught that being “easygoing” was the way to be loved
Criticized or shut down when you tried to be assertive
Told that being emotional or vulnerable was “weak”
Afraid of conflict, so you avoid anything that might cause it
In other words — your passivity may have started as a survival strategy. It kept you from rocking the boat. But now it’s keeping you from being fully present in your own relationship.
And that’s something you can unlearn.
🛑 Signs You Might Be Showing Up Passively
You say “I’m fine” when you’re not
You wait for your partner to bring up anything important
You avoid giving opinions, even when asked
You let your partner make all the decisions — and then feel resentful later
You often feel disconnected, but don’t know how to fix it
Sound familiar? Let’s talk about what you can do about it.
🌱 How to Start Showing Up Differently
This doesn’t mean becoming a totally different person. You don’t have to be loud, forceful, or constantly assertive. You just have to start being honest — with yourself and your partner.
Here’s how:
1. Start small — name what’s true for you in low-stakes moments
You don’t have to launch into a huge relationship talk. Just practice saying what’s real in the little things.
Instead of:
“I don’t care.”
Try:
“I’m not sure yet, but I’m leaning toward Thai food.”
“I’m tired tonight — can we stay in?”
The more you practice voicing what you actually feel, the easier it gets.
2. Let discomfort be part of the process
If speaking up feels weird, awkward, or scary — that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. That means you’re growing.
You can say:
“This feels uncomfortable to say, but I want to be more present with you, and I’m trying.”
“I know I’ve avoided hard talks before. I don’t want to do that anymore.”
Vulnerability is strength — even if it feels shaky at first.
3. Take ownership without shame
If your partner has expressed feeling alone in the relationship, you don’t need to spiral into guilt. You can own it and do better without beating yourself up.
Try:
“I’ve realized I’ve been passive — not speaking up, not initiating. I know that’s affected us, and I want to change that.”
Guilt keeps you stuck. Ownership creates momentum.
4. Ask: “What helps you feel connected to me?”
If you’re unsure where to start, try asking your partner what makes them feel seen, chosen, or safe. You don’t have to read their mind — you can co-create connection together.
5. Remember: Showing up doesn’t mean being perfect
You don’t have to suddenly become the “assertive partner.” You just have to be engaged.
That could look like:
Sending the first “I love you” text that day
Planning one date night this month
Naming when you’re struggling, instead of disappearing
Asking your partner how they’re doing — and really listening
Small effort matters. You don’t need to be “fixed.” You just need to show up.
You Deserve to Take Up Space in Your Relationship
Being passive might’ve helped you feel safe once. But if it’s keeping you distant now — it’s okay to outgrow that strategy. Your voice matters. Your opinions matter. Your feelings matter.
And your partner? They probably want to see more of you — not less.
Therapy Can Help You Reconnect — Without Shame
Whether you’re navigating RSD, people-pleasing, emotional shutdowns, or fear of conflict — you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
📅 I offer individual and couples therapy for men who want to show up more fully in love — not by becoming someone else, but by becoming more yourself.
[Click here to schedule a session] or [reach out with your questions.]
You’re allowed to grow.
You’re allowed to speak.
And you’re allowed to be loved for all of who you are — not just the parts that stay quiet.
