What to Say When Someone Asks ‘When Are You Having Kids?
"So, when are you two having kids?"
If you're in a committed relationship, you've probably heard this question more times than you can count. Whether it comes from well-meaning relatives at family gatherings, curious coworkers, or even casual acquaintances, this seemingly innocent question can feel incredibly invasive and emotionally charged.
The truth is, there's no "right" timeline for having children, and the decision is deeply personal. Yet many couples find themselves struggling with how to respond to this question, especially when their journey with family planning is complicated, private, or simply not what others expect.
Why This Question Feels So Intrusive
Before we dive into how to respond, it's important to understand why this question can be so difficult:
It Assumes Everyone Wants Children
Not every couple wants kids, and that's completely valid. Some people know from an early age that parenthood isn't for them, while others come to this realization later in life. The assumption that all couples will eventually have children can feel dismissive of these valid life choices.
It Ignores Personal Struggles
Behind this question might be:
Fertility challenges that the couple is privately navigating
Pregnancy loss that they're still processing
Financial concerns about raising children
Career timing considerations
Health issues that complicate pregnancy
Relationship challenges they're working through first
It Pressures Private Decisions
Family planning is one of the most intimate decisions a couple can make together. When others constantly ask about it, it can create external pressure that interferes with a couple's natural decision-making process.
The Impact on Your Relationship
These questions don't just affect you individually—they can impact your relationship in several ways:
Creating Misaligned Pressure: If one partner feels more pressure from family than the other, it can create tension in the relationship.
Highlighting Differences: Constant questions might reveal that you and your partner aren't fully aligned on timing or even desire for children.
Adding Stress to an Already Sensitive Topic: If you're already struggling with fertility or other challenges, outside pressure can make these conversations even more difficult.
Forcing Premature Discussions: You might find yourselves having "the kids conversation" before you're ready, simply because others keep bringing it up.
Respectful Responses for Different Situations
The key to handling these questions is having prepared responses that feel authentic to your situation while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
If You're Not Ready to Discuss It:
"We're not ready to talk about that yet, but thanks for asking."
"That's something we're keeping private for now."
"We'll let you know when there's something to share!"
"We're focused on other things right now."
If You're Trying But Struggling:
"We're working on it, but these things take time."
"When it happens, it happens."
"We'll definitely let you know when we have news to share."
"That's in the works, but no timeline yet."
If You've Decided Not to Have Children:
"We've decided kids aren't in our plans."
"We're really happy with our life as it is."
"That's not the path we've chosen for our family."
"We've made peace with not having children."
If You Want to Redirect the Conversation:
"We'll see what the future holds! How are things with you?"
"No immediate plans, but speaking of families, how's yours doing?"
"Nothing to report yet! What's new in your world?"
If You Want to Set Firmer Boundaries:
"I know you mean well, but that question is really personal for us."
"We'd prefer not to discuss our family planning, but we appreciate your interest."
"That's between us and our doctor right now."
Supporting Each Other as a Couple
Dealing with these questions is much easier when you and your partner are on the same page. Here's how to support each other:
Have the Conversation Privately First
Before facing another family gathering or social event, discuss:
How you both feel about these questions
What responses feel comfortable for each of you
Whether you want to give the same answer or handle it individually
Any topics that are particularly sensitive right now
Create a Signal System
Develop a subtle way to signal each other when one of you needs support during these conversations. It might be a gentle touch, a specific phrase, or even just eye contact that says "help me out here."
Practice Responses Together
It might feel silly, but practicing your responses can help you feel more confident and less caught off guard when the question comes up.
Debrief Afterward
After social events where these questions come up, check in with each other. How did it feel? What worked well? What would you handle differently next time?
When Family Planning Becomes a Relationship Issue
Sometimes, the stress of constant questions about children can reveal deeper issues in your relationship:
Misaligned Timelines
You might discover that you and your partner have different ideas about when to start trying for children. These conversations, while difficult, are important to have.
Different Responses to Pressure
One partner might brush off family questions easily while the other feels deeply affected. Understanding and respecting these differences is crucial.
Communication Challenges
If you're struggling to have open, honest conversations about family planning, it might be time to work on your communication skills as a couple.
External vs. Internal Pressure
Sometimes it becomes unclear whether you want children because you want them or because everyone expects you to want them. Sorting through these feelings together is important.
Red Flags: When Questions Cross the Line
While most people ask about children with good intentions, sometimes these conversations become inappropriate:
Persistent questioning after you've asked someone to stop
Judgment or criticism of your choices or timeline
Invasive questions about your sex life, medical history, or fertility
Pressure tactics like "you're running out of time" or "who will take care of you when you're old?"
Comparing you to other couples or family members
When this happens, it's completely appropriate to be more direct: "I've asked you not to discuss this with us. Please respect that boundary."
Protecting Your Mental Health
Constant questions about having children can take a real toll on your emotional well-being, especially if you're:
Struggling with infertility
Dealing with pregnancy loss
Facing financial stress
Managing health concerns
Simply not ready for the pressure
Remember:
You don't owe anyone an explanation about your reproductive choices
Your timeline is valid, whatever it may be
It's okay to feel frustrated, sad, or angry about these questions
Seeking support from a counselor can help you process these feelings
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If questions about having children are creating stress in your relationship, couples therapy can provide valuable support:
Facilitating Important Conversations
A therapist can help you and your partner have honest discussions about:
Your individual feelings about parenthood
Timeline preferences and concerns
How to handle external pressure together
What family means to each of you
Improving Communication Skills
Learning to communicate more effectively about sensitive topics benefits your relationship far beyond family planning discussions.
Processing Difficult Emotions
If you're dealing with fertility struggles, pregnancy loss, or other challenges, a therapist can help you support each other through these experiences.
Creating Unity
Therapy can help you present a united front when dealing with well-meaning but intrusive questions from others.
Moving Forward Together
Remember that every couple's journey is different. Some people know they want children right away, others need time to figure it out, and some decide that parenthood isn't for them—and all of these paths are completely valid.
The most important thing is that you and your partner:
Communicate openly about your feelings and concerns
Respect each other's perspectives and timelines
Present a united front to the outside world
Support each other through whatever challenges arise
Make decisions based on what's right for your relationship, not external expectations
Creating Your Own Timeline
Whether you're planning to have children next year, in five years, or never, the decision should be yours and your partner's alone. Here are some ways to stay focused on your own path:
Set Your Own Milestones
Instead of responding to external pressure, create your own timeline based on:
Your relationship goals
Financial planning
Career considerations
Personal readiness
Health factors
Focus on Your Current Relationship
Use this time to strengthen your partnership:
Work on communication skills
Build financial stability
Travel and create memories together
Address any relationship challenges
Simply enjoy being a couple
Limit Exposure to Pressure
It's okay to:
Skip certain family events if they're too stressful
Change the subject when these questions come up
Spend time with supportive friends and family
Take breaks from social media if needed
The question "When are you having kids?" might seem simple, but it touches on some of the most personal and complex decisions a couple can make together. Remember that you have every right to keep your family planning private, to take your time making these decisions, and to choose a path that feels right for you—regardless of what others expect or want for you.
If you're finding that questions about children are creating stress in your relationship, or if you and your partner need support navigating these important conversations, professional counseling can be incredibly helpful.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that every couple's journey is unique. We're here to help you communicate more effectively, support each other through challenges, and make decisions that align with your values and goals as a couple.
Ready to strengthen your relationship and improve your communication? Contact us today to schedule a consultation. Whether you're navigating family planning questions or other relationship challenges, we're here to support you both.
Remember: Your relationship timeline is yours to create. Don't let outside pressure rush you into decisions you're not ready to make, and don't let others' expectations overshadow what's truly right for you and your partner.
