Why Do I Always Feel ‘Too Much’ in Relationships?
A Therapist’s Take for Neurodivergent Adults
If you’ve ever left a conversation replaying every word you said…
If you’ve ever cried and immediately apologized for “being dramatic”…
If someone’s ever said you’re “too sensitive,” “too much,” or “too intense”…
You are so not alone.
As a therapist who works with neurodivergent adults—especially those with ADHD, autism, or AuDHD—this comes up all the time. And I want to say this upfront: You’re not too much. You’ve just been misunderstood.
Let’s talk about where this feeling comes from, why it sticks around, and what it actually means when you feel like “too much” in relationships.
“Too Much” Is Often Just “Too Different” for the Wrong People
If you grew up neurodivergent in a world designed for neurotypical people, chances are you got the message early on that your reactions, needs, or communication style weren’t “normal.”
You asked deep questions when others wanted surface talk
You had intense feelings when others seemed unbothered
You needed clarity, consistency, or routine
You got overwhelmed in crowds or social situations
You felt so much—and it showed
Instead of support, you may have received silence, shame, or side-eyes. Over time, that shapes your self-perception. So by the time you're in adult relationships, you might assume your sensitivity is a problem—something you have to apologize for.
But here’s the truth: Your emotional depth isn’t the issue. The issue is never being taught how to honor it.
Rejection Sensitivity and Neurodivergence
Ever felt like someone’s tone had to mean something? Or panicked after sending a message and not getting a reply fast enough?
That might be rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)—a common experience for people with ADHD and other neurodivergent traits. RSD can make you feel emotionally flattened by even minor conflict, distance, or perceived criticism.
It’s not that you’re overreacting.
It’s that your nervous system is reacting fast and loud because it’s trying to protect you.
RSD can make you hyper-aware in relationships. You might over-explain yourself, read between the lines, or spiral from one neutral interaction into days of self-doubt. And if someone does say you're “too much”? It confirms the fear you've carried for years.
Therapy can help slow this down and rebuild a more compassionate inner dialogue.
Masking Your Needs: Why It Backfires in Relationships
Many neurodivergent adults become experts at masking—hiding the parts of themselves that might be judged or misunderstood.
You downplay your anxiety.
You pretend the noise doesn’t bother you.
You tell your partner “it’s fine” when it’s very much not.
And while masking can help you fit in short-term, it creates long-term disconnection—from yourself and the people closest to you.
When you’re constantly trying to not be “too much,” you’re also not being your full self. And that means your relationships don’t get a chance to form around the real you.
The result? You feel unseen, exhausted, and still “too much”… for being someone you’re not.
Why Emotional Intensity Isn’t a Flaw
One of the most common things I hear from neurodivergent adults in therapy is this:
“I just feel everything so strongly. And it scares people off.”
Let me offer another way of seeing that:
You feel things deeply because you care deeply. You’re tuned in. You’re perceptive. You notice shifts, tones, silence, subtleties that others miss.
That emotional intensity isn’t a problem. It’s a gift—especially when it’s respected and regulated (not repressed).
In healthy relationships, your emotional world shouldn’t be a burden. It should be welcomed, even if it takes a little learning on both sides.
What Secure Connection Can Look Like (Yes, Even for You)
Imagine a relationship where…
You don’t have to apologize for how you process things
You can take time to respond—and your silence isn’t misread
You don’t have to explain why a certain texture or tone makes you shut down
You can cry, stim, fidget, or info-dump—and your partner stays curious, not critical
These relationships exist. And they’re built not by shrinking yourself, but by showing up as yourself—with boundaries, vulnerability, and the language to ask for what you need.
Therapy Tip: Regulate, Don’t Erase
A lot of us were taught to “tone it down” or “calm down” when what we really needed was co-regulation.
Here’s a shift in mindset that helps many neurodivergent clients:
💡 “My feelings aren’t wrong. But they deserve a safe container.”
That might look like:
Taking a break instead of pushing through social overwhelm
Journaling or voice-noting when emotions run high
Using tools like sensory-friendly items, movement, or breathwork
Reaching out for support before you hit the shutdown point
You don’t need to suppress your sensitivity. You just need tools to support it.
You’re Not “Too Much”—You’re You
And maybe you haven’t found the kind of connection where that feels like enough. Yet.
But that doesn’t mean you need to change your intensity, your honesty, your emotion, or your sensitivity. Those are parts of you worth protecting—not hiding.
If you’ve been feeling like a burden in your relationships, therapy can help you rewrite that story. You don’t have to shrink to be loved. And you definitely don’t have to be less in order to be enough.
