Couples Counseling

Who Couples Counseling Is For

Couples counseling supports partners at all stages of their relationship who want to improve their connection, resolve conflicts, or navigate challenges together.

• You're arguing frequently and can't seem to resolve conflicts productively
• You've grown apart and feel disconnected or like roommates
• Communication has broken down and conversations end in fights or shutdown
• One or both of you is considering separation or divorce
• You're dealing with infidelity or a major breach of trust
• You have different visions for the future or can't agree on major decisions
• Intimacy has decreased or disappeared and you don't know how to reconnect
• You're navigating a major life transition together (new baby, job change, relocation)
• One partner wants something the other doesn't (children, marriage, lifestyle changes)
• You're stuck in negative patterns (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt)
• Past wounds or unresolved issues keep surfacing and creating conflict
• You want to strengthen an already good relationship or prevent future problems
• You're preparing for marriage and want to build a strong foundation
• You're co-parenting through challenges or disagreements about raising children
• Extended family issues are creating tension in your relationship

Couples counseling works best when both partners are willing to participate, even if one person is more reluctant or skeptical than the other. The commitment to show up and engage in the process is what matters most.

How Couples Counseling Works

Couples counseling provides a structured, safe space where both partners can be heard, understood, and supported in creating the relationship they want.

The Four Horsemen: Relationship Patterns That Predict Divorce

Research by Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns that are highly predictive of relationship failure. Recognizing and changing these patterns is often a central focus of couples counseling.

Criticism

Criticism attacks your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior. Instead of "I felt hurt when you didn't call," it's "You're so selfish and inconsiderate." Criticism makes your partner defensive rather than open to feedback. Over time, it erodes the foundation of respect and appreciation in the relationship.

Contempt

Contempt is the most toxic pattern—it involves treating your partner with disgust, disrespect, or superiority. Eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, and hostile humor all signal contempt. When contempt is present, partners see each other as beneath them rather than as equals. Gottman's research shows contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a way of saying "the problem is you, not me." It involves making excuses, cross-complaining, or playing the victim rather than taking any responsibility. While defensiveness feels protective, it actually escalates conflict and prevents resolution. When both partners are defensive, no one feels heard and nothing gets resolved.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is withdrawing from interaction—shutting down, giving the silent treatment, or physically leaving during conflict. It often happens when someone feels flooded or overwhelmed. While the stonewalling partner thinks they're preventing escalation, the pursuing partner experiences it as abandonment and rejection, which intensifies the cycle.

Couples counseling helps you recognize when these patterns are happening and develop antidotes—turning criticism into specific requests, replacing contempt with appreciation, moving from defensiveness to taking responsibility, and addressing stonewalling by learning to self-soothe and return to difficult conversations.

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

Infidelity and betrayal are among the most painful experiences a relationship can face, but they don't automatically mean the end. Many couples successfully rebuild trust and create even stronger relationships after betrayal—though it requires significant work from both partners.

The Aftermath of Betrayal

After discovering infidelity or another major betrayal, the relationship is in crisis. The betrayed partner often experiences trauma-like symptoms—intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, difficulty trusting, physical and emotional pain. The unfaithful partner might feel guilty, defensive, or impatient with their partner's ongoing pain. Both partners typically feel confused about whether the relationship can or should continue.

This is an incredibly difficult time, and couples counseling provides essential support for navigating it. You'll need guidance on how to have productive conversations about what happened, rebuild safety and trust gradually, address the underlying issues that contributed to the betrayal, and decide together whether you're both committed to rebuilding.

The Process of Rebuilding

Rebuilding after betrayal isn't linear—there will be good days and setbacks. But with commitment and the right support, healing is possible. The process involves the unfaithful partner taking full responsibility without defensiveness, being transparent and accountable, answering questions honestly (often repeatedly), and demonstrating consistent trustworthy behavior over time. The betrayed partner needs to process their pain and trauma, set boundaries about what they need to feel safe, gradually work toward forgiveness (which doesn't mean forgetting), and be willing to eventually move forward rather than staying stuck in the past.

Both partners need to address what in the relationship created vulnerability to betrayal, rebuild emotional and physical intimacy, and create new patterns of connection and communication. This work is intensely difficult but can result in a relationship that's more honest, connected, and resilient than before. Learn more about how betrayal affects relationships through our attachment therapy resources.

Communication: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

Most couples who come to counseling say their primary issue is "communication problems." While that's often true, it's usually not about not talking enough—it's about how you talk to each other, especially during conflict.

Why Communication Breaks Down

When you're hurt, angry, or feeling unheard, your brain's threat-detection system activates. You stop being able to think clearly and instead react from your emotional brain. You say things you don't mean. You interpret your partner's words in the most negative way possible. You attack or defend rather than connect. This is normal—but it's also destructive.

Effective communication during conflict requires being able to stay regulated enough to speak from your experience, listen with openness rather than defensiveness, express needs without attacking, and repair when you inevitably mess up. These skills don't come naturally—they're learned. Couples counseling teaches you how.

Learning to Listen

Most people don't actually listen to their partner during arguments—they're busy preparing their rebuttal or defending themselves internally. Real listening means trying to understand your partner's perspective, even when you disagree. It means being curious about their experience rather than immediately explaining why they're wrong. It means reflecting back what you're hearing to ensure you understand before responding.

This feels impossible in the heat of conflict, which is why you practice in therapy sessions where the therapist can slow things down, point out when you're not actually listening, and help you try again.

Speaking Your Truth Without Attacking

Expressing yourself clearly without criticism or blame is an art. It requires vulnerability—saying "I feel hurt and scared when you don't come home when you say you will" instead of "You're so unreliable and selfish." It means owning your feelings and needs rather than making your partner wrong for not meeting them. This level of vulnerability feels risky, especially if your partner hasn't historically responded with care. Counseling creates the safe container where you can practice this kind of honest, non-defensive communication.

Couples Counseling at Different Relationship Stages

The challenges couples face and the goals for counseling vary depending on where you are in your relationship journey.

New Relationships and Dating Couples

Early-stage couples might seek counseling to address conflicts that arise as you get to know each other deeply, navigate differences that are becoming apparent, decide whether to commit more seriously, or prepare for the next stage of your relationship. Early counseling can prevent patterns from becoming entrenched and set a strong foundation. Learn about our premarital counseling services.

Engaged and Newlywed Couples

Couples preparing for marriage or newly married often work on building communication skills before bad habits form, aligning expectations about marriage and future plans, navigating family-of-origin issues and in-law dynamics, addressing pre-existing concerns before they grow, and creating rituals of connection early in the marriage.

Established Long-Term Couples

Couples who have been together for years might seek counseling because you've grown apart and lost connection, the same conflicts keep recurring without resolution, major life transitions are creating stress, parenting has taken over and partnership has disappeared, or you're questioning whether to stay together. Long-term couples often have deeply established patterns that require patience and commitment to change—but change is absolutely possible.

Couples Considering Separation

Some couples come to counseling on the brink of separation. This is often the most difficult time to engage in couples work, but it's also when intervention can make the biggest difference. Counseling can help you decide whether to stay or go with clarity rather than reactivity, learn to communicate respectfully if you do separate, or do the intensive work needed to save the relationship if both partners are willing.

When One Partner Is Reluctant

It's common for one partner to be eager for counseling while the other is resistant, skeptical, or outright opposed. If you're the one who wants counseling and your partner doesn't, this dynamic itself is worth addressing in therapy.

Common Reasons for Resistance

Partners resist counseling for various reasons. They might fear being blamed or ganged up on by you and the therapist. They could believe counseling means the relationship is failing. They may think they can solve problems on their own or doubt therapy will help. Some fear being vulnerable or discussing difficult topics, while others worry about the cost or time commitment. Understanding your partner's specific concerns can help address them.

How to Encourage a Reluctant Partner

Express your needs without ultimatums—explain how important this is to you and your vision for the relationship. Acknowledge their concerns and address them directly. Suggest starting with just a few sessions to see if it helps. Emphasize that the therapist won't take sides but will help both of you. Offer to find a therapist together so they have input on who you work with. If they're completely opposed, consider starting with individual therapy to work on your part of the dynamic.

Sometimes one partner attending individual therapy focused on the relationship can shift the dynamic enough that the resistant partner becomes willing to join. Other times, your own growth and changes inspire your partner to engage more fully.

Approaches Used in Couples Counseling

Couples counseling integrates multiple evidence-based approaches depending on your specific needs and relationship challenges.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT focuses on attachment and emotional bonds between partners. It helps you understand the deeper emotions driving your conflicts and create more secure emotional connection. EFT is particularly effective for couples stuck in pursue-withdraw patterns.

Gottman Method

Based on decades of research, the Gottman Method addresses the Four Horsemen, teaches conflict management skills, and helps couples build friendship, intimacy, and shared meaning. It provides concrete tools and exercises to practice between sessions.

Attachment-Based Approaches

Understanding how your attachment styles (from childhood and past relationships) affect your current partnership helps explain why certain conflicts trigger such intense reactions. You'll learn to recognize attachment patterns and develop more secure ways of relating. Learn more about attachment-based therapy.

Communication and Conflict Resolution Training

Specific skills training in active listening, nonviolent communication, assertiveness, and fair fighting rules. These practical tools give you concrete alternatives to destructive communication patterns.

Trauma-Informed Approaches

When one or both partners have trauma histories, counseling must account for how trauma affects the relationship. Trauma-informed approaches ensure safety and avoid retraumatization while addressing relationship issues.

We also offer specialized support for sexual intimacy challenges through sex therapy for couples. Learn more about all our therapeutic approaches.

Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Counseling

How long does couples counseling take?

It varies significantly based on your specific issues, goals, and commitment to the process. Some couples see improvement within a few months, while others benefit from longer-term work. Couples dealing with infidelity or deep-seated patterns often need six months to a year or more of consistent work.

What if we can't agree on whether to stay together?

Part of couples counseling can be gaining clarity about whether to stay in the relationship or separate. Your therapist can help you make this decision with intention rather than reactivity, and can support you through separation if that's what you decide. The goal isn't always to stay together—it's to help you make the best decision for both of you.

Will the therapist take sides?

A good couples therapist remains neutral and works for the relationship, not for either individual partner. While they might point out specific behaviors that are unhelpful, they won't assign blame or align with one partner against the other.

What if my partner refuses to come?

If your partner won't attend couples counseling, you can still benefit from individual therapy focused on your relationship. Often, when one partner makes changes, the relationship dynamic shifts enough that the other partner becomes willing to participate. Even if they never join, you can work on your part of the dynamic.

Is couples counseling just for married couples?

No. Couples counseling is for any two people in a committed romantic relationship, regardless of marital status, gender, or how long you've been together. We work with dating couples, engaged couples, married couples, and long-term partnerships of all kinds.

Can couples counseling help if we've already decided to separate?

Yes. If you've decided to separate, counseling can help you navigate the process more respectfully, develop effective co-parenting strategies if you have children, and process the end of the relationship in healthy ways. Some couples also use this space to explore whether separation is truly what they want.

How often do we need to come to sessions?

Most couples benefit from weekly sessions initially, especially if you're in crisis or dealing with acute issues. As you make progress, you might move to every other week or monthly maintenance sessions. Consistency matters more than frequency—regular attendance allows for continuity and momentum.

What happens in the first session?

The first session typically involves both partners sharing their perspectives on what brings you to counseling, discussing your relationship history and current challenges, identifying your goals for therapy, and beginning to understand the patterns in your relationship. Your therapist will also explain how couples counseling works and answer any questions you have.