Couples Intimacy Tool
What's Getting in the Way
A gentle couples tool for when something feels off in your intimate relationship but you haven't been able to name it yet. Both partners reflect independently, then compare what they are each noticing.
Before you begin
When something feels off but you can't name it
Sometimes distance in a relationship builds without a single identifiable cause. Both people sense that something is in the way of closeness — physical, emotional, or both — but the conversation never quite happens because neither person knows how to start it, or what exactly to say.
How this tool works. Each partner looks at a set of possible factors and marks the ones that feel present for them right now. No judgment, no diagnosis, no single right answer. Then you compare your pictures side by side and let that comparison start the conversation.
Both partners complete this independently first. Look at the factors on your own before seeing what your partner has marked. What you each notice, and where your pictures differ, is often the most useful information.
Together
Each partner:
"The way the distance feels to me right now is _____________"
Part One
What each person is noticing
Each partner marks the factors that feel present or relevant for them right now. Mark as many as apply. Complete your own selection before looking at your partner's.
Partner A
Partner B
Both
Click once for A, again for B, again for both, again to clear
Partner A
Partner B
Part Two
Going a little deeper
A few questions that help each person understand their own picture more fully before sharing it with their partner.
Partner A
Partner B
Partner A
Partner B
Part Three
The conversation this opens
Now that both people have their own picture, it is time to share them. The goal is not to agree on a single cause or solve everything today. The goal is for each person to understand what the other has been experiencing — and to leave this conversation knowing each other a little better than you did before.
Together
Together
Differences are not disagreements. They are information about what each person is carrying that the other may not have been aware of.
Together
Take turns:
"Something I didn't know you were carrying is _____________"
Together
Small and specific:
"One thing I can offer this week is _____________"
If you want to go deeper. This tool is a starting point. If what came up in this conversation points toward something more specific, the Intimacy Barriers Assessment covers each area in more depth — and many of the other tools in this library address specific factors directly.
Sagebrush Counseling offers online couples therapy across Texas, New Hampshire, Maine, and Montana.
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