10 Signs It's Time for Couples Therapy
10 Signs It's Time for Couples Therapy
Most couples wait an average of six years after problems begin before seeking therapy, according to research by the Gottman Institute. By the time they get to a therapist's office, patterns have often hardened, resentment has accumulated, and the work required to repair the relationship is significantly more difficult than it would have been if they had come earlier. Recognizing the signs it's time for couples therapy before things reach crisis level can make the difference between a relationship that repairs and one that ends. These ten signs suggest it's time to get support.
Couples therapy at Sagebrush Counseling. You don't have to wait until things are in crisis. We help couples address problems early, before they become entrenched. Telehealth throughout Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →When you notice that disagreements about seemingly minor things turn into intense arguments within minutes, that's a sign that something deeper is at work. The fight about loading the dishwasher isn't about the dishwasher. It's about feeling unheard, disrespected, or taken for granted. When these kinds of escalations are happening regularly, it means there are unaddressed issues accumulating beneath the surface.
Research by Gottman and colleagues (1998) found that couples who escalate quickly often lack the skills to repair during conflict, which means each argument leaves residual damage that makes the next one worse. Therapy helps interrupt that cycle by teaching both partners how to recognize what's driving the escalation and how to address the underlying issue rather than getting stuck in the surface conflict.
If you find yourself sidestepping topics you know need to be discussed because you're afraid of the reaction, or because past attempts have gone so poorly that you'd rather leave it alone, that avoidance is a problem. Important conversations about money, parenting, intimacy, or the future of the relationship don't get easier with time. They get harder, because the longer they're avoided, the more significance they accumulate.
Avoidance is often a sign that communication has broken down to the point where both partners have lost confidence that they can talk about hard things without it becoming destructive. Couples therapy provides a structured space to have those conversations with support, so they don't keep getting postponed until they become a crisis.
When the emotional and physical intimacy that used to define your relationship has faded, and you're functioning more like people who share space and logistics than like partners who are connected to each other, that disconnection is worth addressing. This pattern often develops gradually. You stop talking about things that matter. You stop reaching for each other physically. You stop making time to be together in ways that feel meaningful.
Research by Johnson and Greenberg (1985) on emotionally focused therapy found that emotional distance is one of the most common presenting problems in couples therapy, and it's also one of the most responsive to treatment. The distance doesn't mean the relationship is over. It often means both partners have stopped knowing how to reach each other, and therapy can help rebuild that bridge.
If either partner is seriously questioning whether they want to stay in the relationship, that's a clear sign that professional support is needed. This doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. It means there are significant unresolved issues that have led one or both of you to consider whether the relationship is still viable. Therapy at this stage can help both partners get clarity on whether the relationship can be repaired, and if so, what needs to change.
Sometimes therapy helps couples realize they do want to stay and gives them the tools to make it work. Other times, therapy helps couples navigate separation with more clarity and less damage. Both are valuable outcomes, and both are better than staying stuck in ambivalence for years.
If you find yourselves arguing about the same issues over and over without resolution, that's a sign that the problem isn't being addressed at the right level. Recurring arguments are often not about the content of the argument itself. They're about unmet needs, differing expectations, or patterns of interaction that haven't been examined or changed.
Couples therapy helps identify what's actually driving the recurring conflict and works on changing the pattern rather than just rehashing the content. When you keep having the same fight, you're stuck in a loop that won't break without intervention. Therapy provides the structure and insight needed to get out of that loop.
Waiting for a crisis to seek couples therapy is like waiting for a tooth to abscess before seeing a dentist. Early intervention prevents so much unnecessary pain.
Ready to stop the patterns that aren't working? Couples therapy can help. Telehealth in Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →A significant decline or complete absence of physical or emotional intimacy is one of the clearest signs that something in the relationship needs attention. This doesn't just mean sex, though sexual disconnection is often part of it. It also means the absence of affection, emotional sharing, or the feeling that your partner knows what's happening in your inner world.
When intimacy fades, it's often because one or both partners are protecting themselves from something. Maybe there's unresolved hurt or resentment. Maybe there's a pattern of rejection that's made one partner stop reaching out. Maybe there's shame or anxiety that hasn't been talked about. Couples therapy helps uncover what's blocking intimacy and works on rebuilding it in ways that feel safe for both people.
It's normal for couples to fight. What's not normal or healthy is staying stuck in resentment after a fight, unable to repair the disconnection or move forward. If fights leave both of you withdrawn, angry, or hurt for days, and neither of you knows how to bridge back to each other, that's a sign that repair mechanisms have broken down.
Research by Gottman (1999) on repair attempts found that successful couples are able to de-escalate conflict and reconnect after disagreements, while distressed couples often get stuck in negative cycles that persist long after the argument ends. Therapy teaches couples how to repair, which is one of the most essential skills in a long-term relationship.
Significant life transitions like having a baby, career changes, illness, relocation, or caring for aging parents put stress on even the strongest relationships. If a major transition is revealing cracks in the foundation or creating conflict that you're struggling to navigate, therapy can help you get through it without lasting damage.
Transitions are high-risk periods for relationships. They disrupt established patterns, create new demands, and often leave both partners feeling overwhelmed and under-resourced. Therapy during these periods isn't a sign of weakness. It's a way to make sure the transition strengthens rather than erodes the relationship.
If there's been infidelity, a significant lie, or another breach of trust, couples therapy is essential. Trust doesn't repair on its own. It requires a structured process that includes understanding what led to the betrayal, making amends, rebuilding transparency, and addressing whatever vulnerabilities in the relationship allowed the breach to occur.
Research by Gordon, Baucom, and Snyder (2004) on infidelity recovery found that couples who engage in therapy after infidelity have significantly better outcomes than those who try to work through it on their own. The process is long and difficult, but with support, many couples are able to rebuild trust and create a relationship that feels more secure than it did before the betrayal.
If things are already in crisis, if separation is being discussed, or if the relationship feels like it's hanging by a thread, waiting to see if it gets better on its own is not a strategy. Crisis moments are when couples therapy is most urgent. The longer you wait, the more damage accumulates, and the harder it becomes to repair.
There's a common misconception that couples therapy is for relationships that are salvageable but struggling, not for relationships in crisis. That's backwards. Crisis is exactly when professional support is most needed. Therapy at this stage can help both partners get clarity, make decisions, and either repair the relationship or navigate the end of it with more care.
What to Do If You Recognize These Signs
If you recognize one or more of these signs in your relationship, the next step is finding a couples therapist who is a good fit. Not all therapists are trained in couples work, and finding someone with specific expertise in relationship therapy makes a significant difference in outcomes.
If you're not sure where to start, our guide on how to find a couples therapist walks through what to look for, what questions to ask, and how to assess whether a therapist is the right fit for your relationship.
Reaching out for couples therapy can feel vulnerable. Many people worry about what it means for the relationship, whether it will help, or what the therapist will think. Those concerns are normal. What's also true is that most couples who finally get to therapy wish they had come sooner.
The earlier you address problems, the easier they are to repair. If you're seeing signs that your relationship needs support, trust that instinct. You don't have to wait for things to get worse before getting help.
Getting Started at Sagebrush
If you're recognizing signs that it's time for couples therapy, we'd be glad to connect. The complimentary consultation is a low-pressure way to talk about what's happening in your relationship and whether Sagebrush is the right fit.
All sessions are via telehealth, so there's no commute and no waiting room. You join from wherever is most private and comfortable. To understand more about the online format, you can read about how online therapy works at Sagebrush.
We serve couples throughout the state of Maine (including Brunswick and beyond), the whole of Montana, and anywhere in Texas, including Austin, Houston, Dallas, and Midland.
All sessions via telehealth. Join from anywhere in your state.
Couples Therapy at Sagebrush
Address problems before they become permanent. Couples therapy to help you reconnect, repair, and build the relationship you want. Join from anywhere in Maine, Montana, or Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary ConsultationRecognizing that your relationship needs support is not a sign of failure. It's a sign of commitment to making things better. If you're seeing signs it's time for couples therapy, trust that instinct and reach out.
— Sagebrush Counseling
1. Gottman, J.M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), 5–22. View on PubMed
2. Johnson, S.M., & Greenberg, L.S. (1985). Emotionally focused couples therapy: An outcome study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 11(3), 313–317. View article
3. Gottman, J.M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton.
4. Gordon, K.C., Baucom, D.H., & Snyder, D.K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213–231. View on PubMed
5. The Gottman Institute. (2023). Research FAQs. Retrieved from gottman.com
This post is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional couples therapy or mental health care.
