Before You Open Your Marriage: What to Address First
Before You Open Your Marriage: What to Address First
This post is not about whether open marriage is right or wrong. It's a legitimate relationship structure for many people. But it's also true that before you open your marriage, there are patterns worth examining and questions worth asking. Sometimes opening a marriage is proposed as a solution to problems it won't solve, or as a way to delay a conversation that's harder to have. If you're considering opening your marriage, there are some things worth addressing first, not to talk you out of it, but to help you understand what you're hoping will change and whether the structure you're considering will get you there.
Couples therapy at Sagebrush Counseling. We work with couples who are considering opening their marriage, already in open relationships, or navigating the decision to close one. Telehealth throughout Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →A Note on Validity
Before going further, it's important to say clearly: open marriage is a valid relationship structure. Many people choose it thoughtfully, sustain it successfully over years, and find that it fits their needs and values better than monogamy does. This post is not written from the position that open marriage is inherently problematic or that monogamy is the only legitimate choice.
What this post is about is discernment. It's about understanding when the desire to open a marriage is rooted in genuine interest in the structure itself, and when it might be serving as a detour around something that needs more direct attention. Both are worth knowing.
If you're new to the concept of open marriage and want to understand what it is and how it works, you can read more in our guide on what is an open marriage. If you want to understand the distinctions between open marriage, polyamory, and swinging, our post on open marriage vs polyamory vs swinging offers a detailed comparison.
When Opening a Marriage Is a Soft Exit
One of the patterns that shows up in couples therapy is the proposal to open a marriage when one partner is already emotionally checked out but doesn't know how to say so directly. Opening the marriage becomes a way to create distance without having to end things, or a way to test the waters of being with someone else while keeping the security of the existing relationship intact.
This doesn't mean the person proposing it is being manipulative or dishonest. Often they don't fully recognize what's driving the desire. They may genuinely believe they want an open marriage. But underneath that, what they're seeking is a way to leave without the rupture and grief of actually leaving.
The challenge with this pattern is that it rarely provides clarity. If you're using the structure of an open marriage to avoid deciding whether you want to stay in your marriage at all, what you end up with is prolonged ambiguity rather than resolution. And for the other partner, who may be agreeing to opening up in the hope that it will keep the relationship intact, the experience is often one of watching their partner pull further away while being told the relationship is still primary.
Questions worth asking
If your partner said no to opening the marriage, would you be genuinely okay staying in the relationship as it is? If the honest answer is no, that's worth paying attention to. It may mean the conversation that needs to happen is not about opening up, but about whether the relationship itself is still working for you.
Are you hoping that opening the marriage will make you want to stay? That's a different motivation than being happy in your marriage and interested in exploring outside connections. It's using the structure to try to solve a problem of desire or investment that may not be solvable through adding more complexity.
When One Partner Is Accommodating Out of Fear
Another pattern that tends to show up is when one partner proposes opening the marriage and the other agrees, not because they want it, but because they fear that saying no will end the relationship. This dynamic can be subtle. The partner who doesn't want to open up may not even fully recognize that they're agreeing out of fear rather than genuine interest.
Research by Conley and colleagues (2017) on relationship decision-making found that power imbalances in relationships significantly affect how decisions about relationship structure are made. When one partner feels they have less leverage, they're more likely to agree to arrangements that don't align with their actual preferences.
The problem with this pattern is that resentment tends to accumulate quickly. The partner who didn't want to open up but agreed to it often finds themselves managing feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, or abandonment that they don't feel they have permission to express, because they technically consented. Meanwhile, the partner who proposed opening up may be unaware of the degree to which their partner's agreement was driven by fear.
Questions worth asking
If you're the partner who doesn't want to open the marriage but is considering agreeing to it, ask yourself honestly: Am I saying yes because I want this, or because I'm afraid of what will happen if I say no? There's a difference between being willing to try something new that stretches you, and agreeing to something that violates what you need in order to avoid losing your partner.
If you're the partner proposing opening up and your partner seems hesitant or conflicted, it's worth slowing down and asking directly: Are you genuinely interested in this, or are you agreeing because you're worried about what I'll do if you don't? That question can be hard to ask, and the answer can be hard to hear. But proceeding without asking it tends to lead to outcomes that are harder for both of you.
Opening a marriage because you're genuinely interested in the structure is very different from opening it because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't. One is a choice. The other is damage control.
Couples therapy for navigating relationship structure decisions. Telehealth throughout Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →When It's About Avoiding Fundamental Incompatibility
Sometimes the desire to open a marriage emerges not from curiosity about consensual non-monogamy, but from a recognition that something fundamental isn't working in the relationship, and the hope that adding more people or more complexity will somehow address it. This can show up as a mismatch in sexual desire, a feeling of being fundamentally unseen by your partner, or a sense that the relationship has become more functional than intimate and you're looking for that intimacy elsewhere.
Opening a marriage doesn't fix fundamental incompatibility. If the issue is that you and your partner want different things from a relationship, have different values around intimacy or connection, or have grown in directions that no longer align, adding outside relationships tends to amplify the strain rather than resolve it.
This doesn't mean every incompatibility is grounds to end a relationship, or that opening a marriage is never part of addressing mismatches in desire. But it does mean that if you're hoping opening up will solve a problem of core incompatibility, you're more likely to end up with a more complicated version of the same problem.
Questions worth asking
What problem are you hoping opening the marriage will solve? If the answer is something like "we don't connect the way we used to" or "I don't feel seen by my partner," those are problems worth addressing directly before introducing additional relational complexity. Opening up may give you connection or intimacy with someone else, but it won't build connection or intimacy with your partner if the capacity for that has eroded.
If you weren't considering opening the marriage, what conversation would you be having with your partner right now? That question can be clarifying. Sometimes the thing you're avoiding by focusing on whether to open up is the conversation about whether the relationship itself is still viable.
When Opening Up Is Genuinely the Right Choice
All of the above is not to say that opening a marriage is inherently avoidant or problematic. There are couples who open their marriages for reasons that are clear, mutual, and well-aligned with their values and needs. Those situations tend to have some common features worth naming.
Both partners are genuinely interested. Neither person is proposing it as a way to address dissatisfaction with the relationship or as a compromise to keep the other person from leaving. The interest is in the structure itself.
The relationship is already solid. Communication is strong, trust is intact, and both partners feel secure in the primary relationship. Opening up is not being used to fix something that's broken.
Both partners are able to talk about hard feelings without blame. Jealousy, insecurity, and discomfort are expected and can be discussed openly. Neither partner punishes the other for having those feelings.
There's clarity about what each person needs to feel secure. Both partners have thought about what would make the primary relationship feel primary in practice, and those needs can be articulated and honored.
The decision isn't being rushed. There's time to sit with the idea, to talk through scenarios, to address concerns, and to build agreements together before anything is acted on.
If those things are in place, opening a marriage can be a thoughtful, intentional expansion of what the relationship allows. If they're not, proceeding tends to generate more difficulty than it resolves.
The Value of Pausing
If you're considering opening your marriage and you recognize any of the patterns described in this post, that doesn't mean opening up is off the table forever. It means there may be work worth doing first. That work might involve individual therapy to understand what you're seeking and why. It might involve couples therapy to address the relational dynamics that are driving the desire to open up. Or it might involve simply pausing to sit with the question of what you need and whether this structure is the way to meet that need.
Slowing down is not the same as avoiding. It's creating the conditions for a clearer decision. If, after doing that work, opening the marriage still feels like the right choice, you'll be in a better position to do it well. And if the work reveals that what you're seeking is something else, you'll have saved yourself and your partner from pursuing a structure that wasn't going to address what's hard.
If you're navigating these questions and want support, couples therapy can be a structured space to explore them. You can read more about how therapy for open marriages works on our open marriage counseling page.
Getting Started at Sagebrush
Whether you're considering opening your marriage, already in an open relationship and navigating challenges, or questioning whether the structure is still working for you, we'd be glad to support that process. We work with couples from a place of understanding rather than judgment, and we focus on helping you understand what you need and whether the structure you're in or considering will meet those needs.
All sessions are via telehealth, so there's no commute and no waiting room. You join from wherever is most private and comfortable. To understand more about the online format, you can read about how online therapy works at Sagebrush.
We serve couples throughout the state of Maine (including Brunswick and beyond), the whole of Montana, and anywhere in Texas, including Austin, Houston, Dallas, and Midland.
All sessions via telehealth. Join from anywhere in your state.
Couples Therapy at Sagebrush
Support for couples considering opening their marriage, navigating open relationships, or questioning what they need. Join from anywhere in Maine, Montana, or Texas. All sessions are virtual.
Schedule a Complimentary ConsultationThe decision to open a marriage is significant, and it's worth taking the time to understand what you're hoping will change and whether this structure will get you there. Whatever you're navigating, you don't have to figure it out alone.
— Sagebrush Counseling
1. Conley, T.D., Ziegler, A., Moors, A.C., Matsick, J.L., & Valentine, B. (2013). A critical examination of popular assumptions about the benefits and outcomes of monogamous relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 17(2), 124–141. View on PubMed
2. Haupert, M.L., Gesselman, A.N., Moors, A.C., Fisher, H.E., & Garcia, J.R. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424–440. View on PubMed
3. Rubel, A.N., & Bogaert, A.F. (2015). Consensual nonmonogamy: Psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates. Journal of Sex Research, 52(9), 961–982. View on PubMed
This post is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional relationship counseling or therapy.
