I Think About Other People During Sex (Is That Normal?)
You're having sex with your partner, everything's going well, and then suddenly your mind drifts to someone else entirely. Maybe it's that attractive coworker, maybe it's an ex, maybe it's a complete stranger you saw at the coffee shop. And immediately, the guilt hits: What's wrong with me? Does this mean I don't love my partner? Am I a terrible person?
Take a deep breath. You're not broken, you're not a bad partner, and you're definitely not alone.
Let me share something that might surprise you: research shows that 46% of women and 42% of men admit to fantasizing about someone else while having sex with their current partner. Another study found that up to 80% of women and 98% of men fantasize about someone other than their partner during sex.
So yeah, you're actually in the majority here.
Your Brain on Sex: Why This Happens
Let's talk about what's really going on when your mind wanders during intimate moments. Your brain during sex is incredibly active, making connections and processing sensations in ways that can feel totally random.
Sometimes it's pure association. Your partner does something that reminds you of a past experience, or you hear a song that triggers a memory, or the way the light hits their face makes you think of someone else for a split second. Your brain is essentially saying, "Oh, this is similar to that other time..." and off you go.
Other times, it's about enhancement. Research shows that sexual fantasies often serve to heighten arousal and pleasure. Some people find that a little mental detour actually helps them get more into the moment, not less. It's like adding fuel to the fire rather than replacing the fire entirely.
And sometimes, it's just because your mind naturally wanders. The same way you might think about your grocery list during a work meeting, your brain might drift during sex. It doesn't mean anything deep—it just means you have an active mind.
When Fantasy is Normal vs. When It Might Be a Problem
Here's where couples therapy experience comes in handy, because there's definitely a difference between normal sexual thoughts and patterns that might signal something deeper.
Normal fantasy typically:
Happens occasionally, not every single time
Involves random people, celebrities, or past experiences without emotional attachment
Enhances rather than replaces your connection with your partner
Doesn't make you feel emotionally distant from your current situation
Includes a mix of scenarios and people, not fixation on one specific person
It might be worth exploring if:
You can't get aroused or reach orgasm without thinking of someone specific
You're consistently thinking about the same person (especially an ex or someone you know)
You feel emotionally checked out during sex, using fantasy as an escape
The fantasies feel intrusive or out of your control
You're feeling more emotionally connected to your fantasy than your partner
Research supports this distinction. One study found that people who share satisfying relationships are actually more likely to have sexual fantasies, not less. The fantasies seem to be a sign of a healthy sexual imagination rather than relationship problems.
The Ex Factor: When Your Past Shows Up
Here's a specific scenario that really trips people up: thinking about an ex during sex. Surveys show that about 60% of people who fantasize about others during sex are thinking about a former partner. This can feel especially loaded and guilt-inducing.
But often, an ex appearing in your sexual thoughts isn't about wanting them back—it's about your brain drawing connections between familiar experiences. As one researcher put it, "When we're having sex and our brain is thinking about sex, it can easily connect back to other times you've had sex."
This becomes more concerning if it's happening constantly, if you're feeling emotionally attached to these memories, or if you're using thoughts of your ex to avoid being present with your current partner.
How Couples Therapy Helps Navigate This Territory
This is one of those topics that can create a lot of shame and secrecy in relationships, which is exactly why it's important to address it in therapy. People often carry so much guilt about their sexual thoughts that they either shut down sexually or become disconnected during intimacy.
We help normalize the experience. The first thing many people need to hear is that sexual fantasies—including thinking about other people—are incredibly common and usually completely harmless. The shame around these thoughts often causes more problems than the thoughts themselves.
We explore what might be underneath recurring patterns. If someone is consistently thinking about others during sex, we look at what might be going on. Are they feeling disconnected from their partner? Is there stress affecting their ability to be present? Are they having trouble staying in their body during intimate moments?
We work on presence and mindfulness during sex. Sometimes people have trained themselves to "go somewhere else" mentally during sex, either out of habit or as a way to manage anxiety or past trauma. We help people learn to stay present and connected to their actual experience.
We address the communication piece. One of the most common questions is whether to tell a partner about sexual fantasies. This depends on the specific relationship and the nature of the fantasies, but we help couples figure out how to have these conversations without creating unnecessary hurt or insecurity.
We help partners understand each other's inner worlds. Sometimes the person who doesn't fantasize during sex feels threatened by their partner's mental wandering. We help both people understand that sexual thoughts and sexual commitment are different things.
The Sharing Dilemma: To Tell or Not to Tell?
This is the question that keeps people up at night: should you tell your partner that you sometimes think about other people during sex?
The research is actually pretty clear on this: people who share their sexual fantasies with their partners are about 10% more likely to report being very satisfied with their sex life. But that doesn't mean you should blurt out every passing thought.
The key factors to consider:
Is this a pattern or just occasional wandering? Occasional fantasies probably don't need to be shared unless you want to.
How would this information affect your partner? Some people can handle this information easily; others would be devastated.
What's your motivation for sharing? Are you looking to connect more deeply, or are you trying to relieve guilt?
Is this about someone you both know? Fantasies about celebrities or strangers feel different than fantasies about mutual friends or exes.
In therapy, we help couples figure out their own boundaries around sexual communication. Some couples share everything; others keep certain things private. Both approaches can work as long as both people are comfortable with the arrangement.
Creating Connection Despite Wandering Minds
The goal isn't to eliminate all sexual fantasies—that's probably not realistic or even desirable. Sexual imagination is part of healthy sexual functioning. The goal is to make sure your fantasies aren't getting in the way of real intimacy and connection.
Some strategies that help:
Practice mindful sex. Try focusing on physical sensations, breathing, and the actual experience of being with your partner. This doesn't mean you can never let your mind wander, but it helps create more moments of genuine connection.
Address relationship issues that might be affecting sexual presence. Sometimes mental wandering during sex is a symptom of feeling disconnected from a partner in other ways. Working on overall relationship intimacy often improves sexual presence.
Explore whether anxiety is playing a role. Some people use fantasy as a way to manage performance anxiety or body image concerns. If this feels relevant, addressing the underlying anxiety can help.
Communicate about what helps you feel connected. Let your partner know what helps you stay present and connected during sex—whether that's more emotional intimacy beforehand, different types of touch, or just knowing they're okay with you being authentic about your experience.
You're Not Broken (And Neither Is Your Relationship)
Look, the human mind is complicated, and sex involves all kinds of psychological processes that we don't have complete control over. Having sexual thoughts about other people doesn't make you disloyal, sex-addicted, or fundamentally flawed.
What matters most is the overall quality of your relationship and your sexual connection. Are you generally happy with your partner? Do you feel emotionally and physically connected to them? Can you be present during intimacy at least some of the time? If the answers are yes, then occasional mental wandering is probably just part of having a normal, active human brain.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we help couples navigate these kinds of sensitive sexual topics without judgment or shame. We understand that sexual thoughts and feelings are complex, and we're here to help you figure out what works for your specific relationship.
The goal isn't to control every thought that crosses your mind during sex—it's to create the kind of relationship where both partners feel comfortable being authentic about their experiences, including the messy, complicated parts.
Ready to stop carrying sexual shame and start having honest conversations about intimacy? Schedule a session with us today and let's talk about how to create the kind of sexual connection where both partners feel safe being real about their experience.
References
Lovehoney Survey. (2015). Sexual fantasies during partnered sex: A survey of 1,300 adults. UK Consumer Research.
Leitenberg, H., & Henning, K. (1995). Sexual fantasy. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 469-496.
Kilduff, A. (2023). Intrusive thoughts about an ex during sex: Understanding the psychology. NOCD Treatment Resources.
Superdrug Online Doctor. (2025). Fantasising about other people: A survey of European and American sexual behaviors. Retrieved from https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com
