Who Should Make the First Move? Breaking the Initiation Trap
"If we have sex, it's because I asked for it. I really wish she would approach me sometimes."
I hear this in my office at least three times a week. And honestly? It breaks my heart every time because I know both partners are probably feeling pretty crappy about the whole situation.
Here's what usually happens: One person (let's call them the Initiator) ends up being responsible for getting sex started 90% of the time. The other person (the Receiver) gets comfortable in their role and stops making moves altogether. Before you know it, you're stuck in what I call the "Initiation Trap"—and it's creating way more problems than just who makes the first move.
The Numbers Don't Lie
Research shows that in more than 60% of couples, one partner initiates sex significantly more often than the other. Another study found that 69% of husbands identify as the sexual initiator, while 63% of wives typically play the receptive role.
But here's what the statistics don't tell you: this isn't necessarily about who wants sex more. In fact, when researchers asked people about their sexual fantasies, they found that way more women fantasize about initiating sex than actually do it in real life—and lots of men fantasize about being approached by their partner instead of always having to make the first move.
So what's going on? Why does one person end up carrying all the initiation responsibility?
I'll tell you exactly what I see in couples therapy: people get trapped in roles that don't actually reflect what they want, and then they feel stuck there.
When Initiation Becomes a Pursuer-Distancer Dance
Here's where things get really messy. When one person always initiates, it often creates what relationship experts call the pursuer-distancer dynamic. The Gottman Institute research shows this is one of the most common—and most destructive—patterns in relationships.
Here's how it usually plays out in my office:
The Initiator starts pursuing more intensely. They're feeling rejected and disconnected, so they ramp up their efforts. More hints, more touches, more direct requests. They're thinking, "If I just try harder, maybe they'll want me."
The Receiver starts pulling back even more. All that pursuit starts feeling like pressure, so they withdraw further. They're thinking, "Why does everything have to lead to sex? Can't we just cuddle without an agenda?"
The cycle gets worse and worse. The more the Initiator pursues, the more the Receiver distances. The more the Receiver distances, the more desperately the Initiator pursues.
What often happens is one partner starts initiating sex more and more frequently because they feel so rejected by constant "no" responses. Meanwhile, the other partner feels like they're living with someone who's constantly trying to sell them something they don't want to buy. Both people end up miserable.
The Moment Everything Changes (And Often Falls Apart)
Here's the plot twist that happens in a lot of relationships: eventually, the Initiator gets fed up and stops trying altogether.
This is often a make-or-break moment. Research shows that when the pursuer finally gives up and withdraws, it can either wake the relationship up or kill it completely. Sometimes the Receiver suddenly realizes what they've lost and starts pursuing themselves. Other times, both people just... drift apart.
I see this all the time. The person who's been doing all the initiating finally says, "You know what? I'm tired of always being the one who wants this. If you want sex, you can ask for it." And then... crickets.
The relationship becomes sexually flatlined because nobody's making moves anymore.
How Couples Therapy Breaks the Initiation Trap
This is where I get excited about what we can accomplish in therapy, because I've seen couples completely transform these patterns. It's not about forcing anyone to want more sex or making anyone feel guilty—it's about helping both people understand how you got stuck and creating new ways to connect.
We start by understanding each person's initiation style. Research has identified seven different sexual initiation styles, from "passion style" (urgent desire) to "make-out style" (slow build-up) to "verbal style" (talk dirty to me). Often, people are trying to initiate in ways that just don't work for their partner.
For example, some partners try to initiate through physical touch—grabbing, groping, sudden kisses—thinking they're being sexy. But if their partner needs emotional connection first, this approach can feel jarring and disconnected. Once couples figure out that one person responds better to flirty conversations and emotional intimacy, everything can shift.
We help the constant initiator learn to step back without giving up completely. This is tricky because stepping back can feel like rejection or punishment. We work on what I call "productive pausing"—creating space for the other person to come forward without shutting down entirely.
We help the receiver understand the emotional impact of never initiating. Often, people genuinely don't realize how much their partner needs to feel desired and wanted. It's not just about sex—it's about feeling attractive and pursued and chosen. Many people say things like "I had no idea that me never initiating made them feel like I didn't want them. I thought they knew I loved them." Once someone understands the emotional meaning behind initiation, they often start making small moves that can completely change the relationship dynamic.
We work on expanding everyone's definition of "initiation." Initiation doesn't have to mean grabbing someone's crotch or asking "wanna have sex?" It can be flirty texts during the day, romantic gestures, or even just saying "I've been thinking about you today."
We help both people communicate about timing and approach. Maybe one person needs more buildup and romance. Maybe the other person needs more direct communication. Maybe certain times of day work better. We figure out what works for your specific relationship.
Creating a New Sexual Script Together
The goal isn't to perfectly balance who initiates what percentage of the time—that's just another kind of scorekeeping. The goal is to create a sexual dynamic where both people feel comfortable making moves and both people feel desired.
For instance, some people have never initiated sex in their entire relationship—sometimes because they grew up in households where they received messages that they weren't supposed to be sexual. Even though they intellectually know better as adults, they can still be carrying that old programming.
In therapy, we work on what initiation could look like for someone like this. We might start small—flirty texts, longer kisses, wearing something that makes them feel confident. Over time, many people learn to initiate sex in their own style, and their partner finally feels like they're with someone who actually wants them.
Here's what I help couples create instead of the initiation trap:
Shared responsibility for sexual connection. Both people contribute to creating opportunities for intimacy, even if they do it differently.
Multiple ways to show sexual interest. Physical touch, verbal communication, romantic gestures, planned dates—there are lots of ways to signal sexual availability.
Permission to say no without penalty. Both people can decline sex without the other person taking it as rejection or withdrawal of love.
Understanding of each other's natural rhythms. Some people are spontaneous, others need buildup. Some are morning people, others are night people. We work with your natural patterns instead of fighting them.
You Don't Have to Stay Stuck in These Roles
Look, I get it. If you've been the only one initiating for years, it feels risky to stop. What if nothing happens? What if they never step up? And if you've gotten comfortable never making the first move, the idea of initiating can feel scary and vulnerable.
But here's what I've learned after working with hundreds of couples: most people are way more interested in shared initiation than they realize. They've just gotten stuck in patterns that don't actually serve anyone.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we help couples break free from sexual roles that aren't working and create new patterns that feel natural and satisfying for both people. We're not trying to turn anyone into someone they're not—we're helping you become the version of yourself that feels most authentic and connected.
The research is clear: relationships where both people share initiation responsibility tend to be more sexually satisfying and emotionally connected. When only one person carries the initiation load, both partners miss out on the experience of feeling desired and the empowerment of expressing desire.
Ready to break free from the initiation trap? Schedule a session with us today and let's figure out how to create the kind of sexual dynamic where both people feel comfortable making moves and both people feel irresistibly wanted.
References
Sprecher, S. (2002). Sexual satisfaction in premarital relationships: Associations with satisfaction, love, commitment, and stability. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(2), 440-449.
Sytsma, M. (2023). Who Initiates Sexual Activity in Your Marriage? Intimate Marriage. Retrieved from https://intimatemarriage.org
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
Betchen, S. J. (2005). Intrusive Partners—Elusive Mates: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic in Couples. Routledge.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment in Psychotherapy. The Guilford Press.
Watson, L. J. (2012). Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage. Berkley Books.
