Is Porn Affecting Our Relationship?
Whether you found something on your partner's browser history, or you're questioning your own viewing habits, or you just have this nagging feeling that porn might be affecting your relationship somehow. Pornography has become incredibly common, but most couples never actually talk about how it's impacting their relationship.
How Common Is Porn Use?
Let's start with what the research actually tells us. According to Utah State University studies, "46% of adult men and 16% of women intentionally view pornography in an average week." That's almost half of all men and a significant portion of women consuming porn regularly. Another study found that "91.5% of men and 60.2% of women had consumed it in the past month."
So if you're dealing with porn in your relationship, you're definitely not the only ones.
But here's where it gets interesting—and a bit concerning. The Wheatley Institution's National Couples and Pornography Survey found that "men under 30 years of age report a much higher level of daily pornography viewing (17.3%) than men over 30 years old (6.9%)." That means younger guys are almost two and a half times more likely to be watching porn daily compared to older men.
What Research Shows About Porn's Impact on Relationships
Okay, so here's where we need to get real about what the science is telling us. NPR reported on research that found "married Americans who began pornography were roughly twice as likely to be divorced." The difference was significant: about 6% divorce likelihood for people who never used porn versus 11% for those who started using it during the study period.
But it gets more complex. A BYU study found that "pornography use by men or women at any level negatively impacted romantic relationships, with a pronounced negative impact on relationship stability." The researchers noted that "as higher pornography use was reported, lower relationship stability was also reported by men and women."
And here's something that might surprise you: the research shows that "couples where both partners do not consume pornography have the highest levels of relationship stability, commitment, and relationship satisfaction."
The "Porn Gap" That's Affecting Couples
One of the biggest issues researchers have identified is what they call the "porn gap"—the huge difference between how men and women view and use pornography. The Institute for Family Studies research shows that "many women in dating relationships are unaware of the high amount of porn their male partners use" and that "1-in-6 married couples report that pornography has been a source of conflict in their marriage."
This gap creates what researchers call the "four Cs" of pornography in relationships:
Concealment - partners hiding their usage
Communication - couples not talking about boundaries
Concerns - worries about the impact on the relationship
Conflict - arguments and fights about porn use
Research shows that "20% of all couples reported some degree of conflict in their relationships due to pornography." That's one in five couples dealing with porn-related arguments.
How Porn Actually Affects Your Relationship Day-to-Day
So what does all this research translate to in real life? Studies have found several specific ways that porn use impacts relationships:
Sexual Connection Issues: Research shows that porn use can lead to situations where the "user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography" and the "user loses interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with partner." One study found that "women more often told researchers that they had less sex as a result of their partner's pornography use, and men reported being less aroused by sex with their partner."
Trust and Emotional Issues: Studies consistently find that "partner feels sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use" and that "both user and partner experience decreased relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness." The research suggests that "pornography scripts expectations and behavior that place it on a collision course with the requisite dynamics for secure attachment and authentic intimacy."
The Comparison Trap: Porn can create unrealistic expectations about how sexual relationships should function, leading to what researchers describe as partners beginning to assume that "the sexual and romantic aspects of their relationship with their partner are not adequate."
When Porn Use Becomes Problematic
Not everyone who views porn develops problems, but researchers have identified when it becomes concerning. According to Cleveland Clinic, signs of problematic porn use include:
Spending excessive time planning sexual activity
Frequent masturbation while viewing pornography
Using pornography despite negative consequences
Feeling that sexual thoughts and activities consume your life
Continuing the behavior despite relationship problems
Studies show that "more than 20% of sexually active participants reported some degree of erectile dysfunction" in young men ages 18-35 who use porn regularly, which contrasts sharply with general population rates.
The Gender Difference Game-Changer
Here's something really important that the research reveals: men and women experience porn very differently in relationships. Studies show that "women who stop using porn seem to have happier relationships. But we don't know exactly why. Stopping porn use didn't seem to make much of a difference for the men in the study."
The research also finds that "relationship quality is higher when partners are more similar rather than dissimilar in their pornography use" and when partners "report more shared pornography use."
What Actually Helps: Treatment and Recovery
If porn is affecting your relationship, you're probably wondering what actually works. The research on treatment is pretty encouraging:
Individual Therapy First: For problematic porn use, studies show that "Cognitive behavioral therapy" and "Acceptance and commitment therapy" are particularly effective. Research indicates that "psychotherapy involves a variety of techniques" and can help individuals "identify and manage factors that might be triggering your hypersexuality behaviors."
Couples Therapy - But Timing Matters: Here's something crucial the research reveals: "couples therapy is not helpful (and may actually be harmful in many instances) when sex addiction is present" if the individual addiction isn't addressed first. However, once individual issues are being addressed, "couples therapy can effectively treat porn addiction for people in intimate relationships by addressing the individual's addiction and its impact on their romantic and sexual relationships."
What Actually Works: Research shows that successful treatment often includes:
Individual therapy to address the underlying issues
"Support groups" which have "a profound effect on the process of recovery"
Couples therapy focused on "rebuilding trust" and "establishing healthy boundaries"
Open communication about "limits and boundaries around pornography use"
Getting Help That Makes a Difference
If pornography is impacting your relationship, you don't have to figure this out alone. The research is clear that "couples where both partners have support and some understanding" of the issues do much better in recovery.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that porn's impact on relationships is complex, sensitive, and deeply personal. Our therapists are trained in evidence-based approaches for both individual porn addiction and couples dealing with these challenges.
We know that every couple's situation is different. Some people use porn occasionally without it affecting their relationship, while others find that any use creates problems. Some couples view porn together and feel fine about it, while others need clear boundaries. What matters is finding what works for your specific relationship and values.
We approach this topic with zero judgment and complete confidentiality. Our goal is to help you:
Understand the impact porn might be having on your specific relationship
Develop healthy boundaries that work for both partners
Rebuild trust and intimacy in evidence-based ways
Address underlying issues that might be contributing to problematic use
Create communication skills for ongoing relationship health
Don't let porn issues destroy what you've built together. Research shows that couples who get help early have much better outcomes. Contact Sagebrush Counseling today to schedule a confidential consultation and start working toward the healthy, connected relationship you both want.
Your Questions About Porn and Relationships, Answered
Q: Is it normal for couples to have different comfort levels with porn?
A: Absolutely. Research shows there's a significant "porn gap" between men and women, with the Institute for Family Studies finding that "many women in dating relationships are unaware of the high amount of porn their male partners use." Different comfort levels are completely normal—what matters is that you both communicate openly about your boundaries and respect each other's feelings.
Q: How do I know if my partner's porn use is affecting our relationship?
A: Studies identify several warning signs: if you're having less sex, if you feel sexually inadequate or threatened, if there's secrecy around device use, or if it's become a source of arguments. Research shows that "both user and partner experience decreased relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness" when porn use becomes problematic. Trust your instincts—if it feels like it's affecting your relationship, it probably is.
Q: My partner says porn doesn't affect our relationship, but I feel like it does. Who's right?
A: Both of your feelings are valid. Research shows that "20% of all couples reported some degree of conflict in their relationships due to pornography," meaning this disagreement is really common. The impact of porn can be subtle and partners might experience it differently. Consider talking to a therapist who can help you both understand how it might be affecting your specific relationship.
Q: Can couples therapy help if one partner uses porn and the other doesn't want them to?
A: Yes, but timing matters. Research shows that if there's addictive or compulsive porn use, individual therapy should often come first. However, couples therapy can be very effective for helping partners communicate about boundaries, rebuild trust, and create agreements that work for both people. The key is finding a therapist experienced with these issues.
Q: Is watching porn together as a couple different from individual use?
A: Research suggests it can be. Studies show that "relationship quality is higher when partners are more similar rather than dissimilar in their pornography use" and when there's "shared pornography use." Some couples find that watching together enhances their relationship, while others prefer to avoid it entirely. What matters is that both partners are genuinely comfortable with whatever arrangement you have.
Q: How do we start talking about porn in our relationship without it becoming a huge fight?
A: Start with your feelings rather than accusations. Use "I" statements like "I feel disconnected when..." rather than "You always..." Research shows that couples who communicate openly about boundaries do much better. Consider having this conversation with a therapist present who can help facilitate productive dialogue and prevent it from escalating into conflict.
References
Utah State University Extension. (2023). "Effects of Pornography on Relationships." https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/effects-of-pornography-on-relationships
NPR. (2017). "Researchers Explore Pornography's Effect On Long-Term Relationships." https://www.npr.org/2017/10/09/556606108/research-explores-the-effect-pornography-has-on-long-term-relationships
Institute for Family Studies. "The Porn Gap: Gender Differences in Pornography Use in Couple Relationships." https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-porn-gap-gender-differences-in-pornography-use-in-couple-relationships
Wheatley Institution. (2022). "National Couples and Pornography Survey 2021." https://wheatley.byu.edu/national-couples-and-pornography-survey-2021
Cleveland Clinic. (2022). "Sex Addiction: Causes, Symptoms, Treatment & Recovery." https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22690-sex-addiction-hypersexuality-and-compulsive-sexual-behavior
