We Used to Sext, Now We Barely Text: When Digital Intimacy Fades
Remember when your phone was basically your relationship's wingman? When every buzz could mean a flirty message, a cute photo, or one of those "just thinking about you" texts that made you grin like an idiot? When staying up way too late texting back and forth felt way more exciting than whatever was on TV?
If you're reading this and thinking "ugh, that used to be us, but now we only text about who's picking up dinner," you're totally experiencing one of the most common relationship changes in our digital world—and trust me, you're definitely not alone in this.
The Real Numbers Behind Digital Romance
So here's what the research actually tells us about how couples text and sext (yeah, researchers study this stuff!). The Pew Research Center found that 9% of people in relationships have sent sexually suggestive photos or videos, and 20% have received them—and these numbers have actually gone up over the years. But here's the kicker: "cell owners who have been partnered for ten years or less are significantly more likely than those who have been in a relationship for more than ten" to be doing the whole sexting thing.
What Researchers Have Figured Out About Couples and Their Phones
The data is actually pretty fascinating when you dig into it. Studies show that "10% of internet users who are married or partnered say that the internet has had a 'major impact' on their relationship, and 17% say that it has had a 'minor impact.' Fully 72% of married or committed online adults said the internet has 'no real impact at all' on their partnership."
But here's where it gets really interesting—younger couples have a totally different experience. Get this: "42% of cell-owning 18-29 year olds in serious relationships say their partner has been distracted by their mobile phone while they were together." That's almost twice as many as older couples!
So basically, phones can make us feel more connected AND more distracted at the same time. Makes sense, right?
Why Your Texting Game Changes Over Time
The Honeymoon Phase Was Real Research backs up what you probably already know: "Couples who have been together for 10 years or less show different patterns of technology usage in the context of their relationship compared with those who have been together for a longer period of time." In those early days, literally everything felt exciting—including getting that perfect eggplant emoji at just the right moment.
Comfort Zone Life As relationships get more comfortable (which is actually awesome!), couples often shift from that constant excitement mode to more of a steady, secure vibe. This is totally healthy relationship growth, but sometimes it means the fun, spontaneous texting gets swapped out for "can you grab milk on your way home?"
Notification Overload Is Real Let's be honest—we're all drowning in digital noise. Between work emails, Instagram notifications, TikTok alerts, and your family's chaotic group chat, romantic texting can start to feel like just another thing on your endless to-do list.
You Discover Your Real Communication Style Here's something wild from the research: "even in long-term romantic relationships, partners report only knowing 62% of what their partners find sexually pleasing and 26% of what their partners find sexually displeasing." As you both figure out how you actually like to communicate, some people realize that constant texting never really felt natural to them anyway.
When Digital Distance Actually Matters
When your texting life goes from steamy to silent, there can be some real consequences that couples don't always see coming. Studies show that "discussing sex has been found to be one of the least discussed and most difficult topics to discuss in observational studies of couples." So if texting was your main way of being flirty or talking about intimate stuff, losing that can leave a pretty big gap.
And here's something that might hit home: research shows that couples who are constantly distracted by their phones report being less happy in their relationships. One study found that "18% of online 18-29 year olds have argued with a partner about the amount of time one of them spent online." Yikes—technology creating problems instead of solving them.
How to Tell If Your Digital Communication Needs a Tune-Up
Stuff That's Actually Concerning:
You're both glued to your phones but barely talking to each other
Your texts are basically just logistics and grocery lists
One of you feels totally ignored while the other doesn't even notice
Your phones have become a regular source of arguments
You feel more connected to your Instagram feed than your actual partner
Totally Normal Relationship Growth:
You've found other ways to show love that feel more real to you
Your in-person conversations have gotten deeper even if texting has decreased
You both prefer actually hanging out over constant texting
Your communication has just matured beyond needing constant digital validation
Simple Ways to Get Your Digital Spark Back
Start Tiny and Keep It Real
Research shows that how you communicate matters way more than how often you do it. Try sending just one genuine text per day—maybe something that actually reminded you of them or asking about their day because you really want to know.
Set Some Phone Boundaries (That Actually Help)
Here's a fun fact: "67% of internet users in a marriage or committed relationship have shared the password to one or more of their online accounts with their spouse or partner." Healthy couples figure out digital boundaries that work for both of them.
Try doing phone-free meals or having your evening chat without devices. When couples cut down on digital distractions, they often naturally want to share more with each other—both digitally and face-to-face.
Don't Force What Doesn't Feel Right
Research on sexting shows that it's "much more common among adults than among youths, with increasing prevalence among adolescents as they grow older." Translation: everybody's comfort level with intimate digital stuff is totally different, and that's completely okay.
Focus on digital connection that feels natural for both of you—whether that's sharing funny memes, sending good luck texts before big meetings, or just using way more heart emojis in your regular conversations.
Look at the Bigger Picture
Sometimes when digital intimacy fades, it's reflecting something bigger that's happening in the relationship. If you're both struggling to connect in meaningful ways—whether that's through text or in person—it might be time to dig a little deeper.
When Your Phone Issues Are Really Relationship Issues
The research is super clear: technology can either bring couples together or drive them apart. You might want to talk to someone if:
Your phones have become a constant source of fights
One of you feels completely shut out or ignored
You're both scrolling all the time but feel lonely together
Trying to text more feels weird and forced
The digital disconnect is part of a bigger intimacy problem
Getting help from a couples therapist or sex therapist can be a total game-changer for these kinds of modern relationship challenges. A good therapist can help you:
Figure out your communication patterns without any judgment
Create phone boundaries that actually work for both of you
Rebuild real intimacy in ways that feel right for your relationship
Deal with whatever's underneath the communication issues
Make a plan for staying connected in our crazy digital world
Ready to Reconnect? Let's Talk
At Sagebrush Counseling, we totally get that modern relationships come with challenges that nobody had to deal with before. Our therapists are specifically trained to help couples figure out digital intimacy and rebuild emotional connection in ways that actually work.
We know that every couple's relationship with technology is completely different. Some couples love constant digital connection, while others prefer keeping tech to a minimum. What matters is finding what works for your specific relationship.
Don't let phone distance turn into emotional distance. We approach this stuff with zero judgment and lots of understanding. We'll help you:
Build communication patterns that feel authentic
Navigate all the tech stuff in healthy ways
Strengthen your emotional and physical connection
Learn how to fight fair and resolve conflicts
Create connection strategies that actually last
Want to get back on the same page? Reach out to Sagebrush Counseling today to schedule a chat with one of our therapists. Take the first step toward the connected, fulfilling relationship you both want—whether that includes sexting or not!
Your Questions, Answered
Q: Is it weird that we basically stopped sexting after being together for a while?
A: Not weird at all! Research shows that "cell owners who have been partnered for ten years or less are significantly more likely than those who have been in a relationship for more than ten" to be sending intimate messages. This shift is usually just natural relationship evolution as couples find other ways to be intimate. What matters is that you both feel connected and good about how you communicate.
Q: My partner used to send the sweetest texts, but now it's all "did you pay the electric bill?" Should I be worried?
A: Not necessarily worried, but it's definitely worth talking about. Studies show that couples who've been together longer naturally develop different texting habits. Sometimes this happens because life gets crazy, and sometimes it means one or both people are putting less energy into the relationship. Try sending some sweet texts yourself and see how they respond—then have an honest conversation about what you both need.
Q: We're both constantly on our phones but hardly talk to each other. Is this a red flag?
A: Yeah, this pattern is actually linked to relationship problems in research. Studies show that "42% of cell-owning 18-29 year olds in serious relationships say their partner has been distracted by their mobile phone while they were together." Try creating some phone-free time together and talk about how all the screen time is affecting your relationship.
Q: How do we start texting more without it feeling super awkward?
A: Start ridiculously small and focus on real connection instead of trying to recreate your early relationship texting style. Share something that genuinely reminded you of them, ask about their day because you actually care, or send some encouragement before a big presentation. Research shows that authentic communication beats frequent communication every time.
Q: Do we need to sext to have a healthy relationship?
A: Absolutely not! Research shows that "72% of married or committed online adults said the internet has 'no real impact at all' on their partnership." What matters is that you both feel connected and happy with how you show intimacy together—whether that includes any digital stuff or not.
Q: When should we think about getting help for our communication issues?
A: Consider talking to a therapist if your digital communication patterns are causing regular fights, if one of you feels consistently ignored, or if phone use is messing with your overall relationship happiness. Professional help can teach you healthy communication skills and help you figure out any deeper issues that might be affecting your connection.
References
Pew Research Center. (2014). "Main Report: Couples, the Internet, and Social Media." https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2014/02/11/main-report-30/
Pew Research Center. (2014). "Couples, the Internet, and Social Media." https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2014/02/11/couples-the-internet-and-social-media/
Kohut, T., Balzarini, R. N., Fisher, W. A., & Campbell, L. (2018). "Dimensions of Couples' Sexual Communication, Relationship Satisfaction, and Sexual Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(8), 2225-2242. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9153093/
Döring, N. M. (2014). "Consensual sexting among adolescents: Risk prevention through abstinence education or safer sexting?" Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 8(1), article 9. https://cyberpsychology.eu/article/view/4303
