Not in the Mood vs. Not Into You: Understanding the Difference
Your partner rolls over and says "not tonight" for what feels like the hundredth time, and your brain immediately goes to that dark place: They don't want me anymore. I'm not attractive to them. Something's wrong with us.
Sound familiar? Yeah, we've all been there. But here's what I want you to know as someone who sits with couples dealing with this stuff every single day: there's a huge difference between your partner not wanting sex right now and your partner not wanting you.
I know it doesn't feel that way when you're lying there feeling rejected and confused. But learning to tell the difference? It's honestly a game-changer for relationships.
When "Not Tonight" Has Nothing to Do With You
Let me tell you what I see in my office all the time. Someone comes in convinced their partner has lost attraction to them because they've been saying no to sex more often. But when we actually dig into what's going on, it turns out their partner is dealing with:
The exhaustion Olympics. They're running on fumes between work, kids, and trying to keep the house from falling apart. When you're that tired, even thinking about sex feels overwhelming. It's not about you—it's about basic human energy levels.
Medication side effects nobody talks about. Antidepressants, birth control, blood pressure meds—so many medications mess with libido. But people feel weird bringing it up, so they just... don't.
Stress that's eating them alive. Maybe they're worried about job security, dealing with aging parents, or just overwhelmed by life. When your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode, sex drive is literally one of the first things to go. That's just how our brains work.
Body stuff they're embarrassed about. Chronic pain, hormonal changes, feeling self-conscious about weight gain—sometimes people withdraw sexually because they don't feel good in their own skin, not because they've lost interest in their partner.
Here's what research shows us: up to 80% of couples regularly experience moments where one person wants sex and the other doesn't. It's not personal—it's just being human.
In couples therapy, I help people understand that sexual desire discrepancy (fancy term for mismatched sex drives) isn't the same thing as rejection. One partner having a lower libido doesn't mean they're rejecting the other person. It just means they're wired differently or going through something.
What Actual Rejection Looks Like
Real rejection? That's a whole different animal. And honestly, it usually shows up in ways that have nothing to do with how often someone wants to have sex.
I see actual rejection when someone consistently shuts down their partner's attempts to connect emotionally. When they avoid all physical affection—not just sex, but hugging, hand-holding, even sitting close on the couch. When they roll their eyes at expressions of love or make their partner feel stupid for wanting intimacy.
The University of Toronto did this fascinating study on how people reject sexual advances, and they found four main styles:
The reassuring no: "I'm exhausted tonight, but you're incredibly sexy and I love you. Can we plan for tomorrow morning instead?" This actually makes relationships stronger.
The hostile shutdown: Eye-rolling, criticism, making someone feel bad for even asking. This is genuinely damaging.
The direct but cold response: Just a flat "no" without much emotion either way.
The avoidance dance: Pretending not to notice, turning away, fake sleeping.
Here's the kicker: neuroscience research shows that rejection activates the same brain areas as physical pain. But it's not the "no" that hurts most—it's how that "no" gets delivered.
How Couples Counseling Actually Helps With This Stuff
This is where I get excited about what we do in therapy, because I see couples figure this out all the time. And it's not about forcing anyone to want more sex or making anyone feel guilty about their natural desire levels.
We help you decode what's really happening. I can't tell you how many times I've had couples come in thinking they have a sex problem, when actually they have a communication problem. Or a stress problem. Or an "I feel like we're roommates instead of lovers" problem.
Last month, I worked with a couple where she thought he wasn't attracted to her anymore because he'd been declining sex. Turns out, he was dealing with work anxiety and some medication side effects he was too embarrassed to mention. Once we got that on the table, everything shifted.
We teach you how to talk about this stuff without it turning into a fight. Most people have never learned how to have conversations about sex and rejection without someone getting defensive. We practice these conversations in session until they feel natural.
I'll literally coach couples through saying things like: "Hey, I'm not in the mood for sex right now because I'm stressed about the presentation tomorrow, but I'd love to cuddle with you" versus just "not tonight." The difference in how that lands? Night and day.
We help both partners feel heard and validated. The person feeling rejected needs to know their hurt is real and understandable. The person with lower desire needs to know they're not broken or doing anything wrong. Both things can be true at the same time.
We explore what intimacy looks like beyond sex. Sometimes couples get so focused on sexual frequency that they forget about all the other ways to feel close. We work on rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy that doesn't have pressure attached to it.
I had one couple who started doing "connection time" every evening—just 15 minutes of talking and light physical touch with no expectation that it would lead to sex. It took the pressure off completely and actually ended up improving their sex life because both partners felt safer.
We address the bigger relationship patterns. Often, sexual rejection is a symptom of something else. Maybe one partner feels overwhelmed and unsupported. Maybe there's resentment building up about household responsibilities. Maybe someone feels more like a parent to their partner than a lover.
We don't just work on the sexual stuff—we work on the relationship dynamics that create the conditions for desire to flourish or wither.
The Real Magic Happens When You Stop Taking Everything Personally
Here's what I see happen when couples really get this distinction: they stop walking on eggshells around each other. The higher-desire partner stops reading rejection into every "not tonight." The lower-desire partner stops feeling guilty and defensive about their natural libido level.
Instead of "Why don't you want me?" the conversation becomes "What's going on for you right now?" Instead of pressure and withdrawal, you get curiosity and support.
I worked with this couple recently where he'd been convinced she wasn't attracted to him anymore because their sex life had slowed down after their second kid. Turns out, she was dealing with postpartum hormonal changes and feeling touched-out from breastfeeding, but she didn't know how to explain that without hurting his feelings.
Once we got them talking about what was really happening—and he understood it wasn't about him—he became her biggest advocate. He started taking over bedtime routines so she could have some space to decompress. He stopped initiating when she looked overwhelmed. And you know what happened? She started feeling more connected to him, which naturally led to more physical intimacy.
We help couples create new patterns that work for both people. Maybe that's scheduling intimate time so there's no guesswork. Maybe it's developing better ways to check in about desire levels. Maybe it's addressing the life stressors that are killing libido in the first place.
The goal isn't to eliminate all sexual rejection—that's impossible in any long-term relationship. The goal is to handle these moments in ways that bring you closer together instead of creating distance.
Couples Counseling for Sex Therapy
It's hard not to take sexual rejection personally when you're the one lying there feeling unwanted. And it's hard to say no to sex when you know it's going to hurt your partner's feelings. These are complex emotional dynamics that most people never learned how to navigate.
That's literally what we're here for. At Sagebrush Counseling, I help couples have these conversations without the defensiveness and hurt feelings that usually come with them. In sex therapy, we will talk about what is going on and how to have a better intimacy. We slow everything down and figure out what's really happening underneath all the assumptions and interpretations.
You don't have to keep doing this dance where one person feels rejected and the other feels guilty. You don't have to keep wondering if every "not tonight" means something deeper. And you definitely don't have to let sexual frequency determine how loved and wanted you feel in your relationship.
Here's what couples tell me after we work on this stuff: They feel like they can finally be honest with each other. The pressure is off. They understand each other better. And ironically, when you take the pressure off sex, it often gets better naturally.
Ready to stop walking on eggshells around each other? Schedule a virtual session today and let's figure out what's really going on underneath all those "not tonight" moments. At Sagebrush Counseling, we'll help you build the kind of connection where both partners feel safe to be honest.
Because here's the truth: when you learn to separate "not in the mood" from "not into you," everything changes. Your relationship gets to be about love and connection instead of scorekeeping and hurt feelings. And that? That's worth fighting for.
References
Kim, J. J., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2018). The relationship implications of rejecting a partner for sex kindly versus having sex reluctantly. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 485-508.
Day, L. C., Muise, A., Joel, S., & Impett, E. A. (2015). To have or have not: How approach and avoidance sexual goals relate to sexual desire discrepancy in romantic relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(4), 1035-1047.
MacDonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131(2), 202-223.
Murray, S. H. (2017). Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2025). About AAMFT. Retrieved from https://www.aamft.org
