We Only Have Sex When We're Getting Along
Ever catch yourself thinking "we only have sex when we're getting along"? You're definitely not the only one. This is actually one of the most common—and totally normal—patterns that couples experience, even though it doesn't get talked about nearly enough.
The truth is, there's a pretty amazing connection between how we feel about each other day-to-day and our physical intimacy. And understanding this connection can actually help your relationship in some pretty incredible ways.
How Emotions and Intimacy Really Work Together
Think of your emotional connection and sexual intimacy like they're best friends who influence each other constantly. When you're feeling close, understood, and appreciated by your partner, it's natural for your body and mind to be more open to physical closeness. But when there's tension, unresolved conflict, or you're feeling emotionally distant? Your interest in being physically intimate often takes a backseat.
This isn't just something relationship experts have noticed—science backs it up too. Research consistently shows that couples who feel more satisfied with their relationship overall also tend to have more fulfilling sex lives. It doesn't mean you need to be blissfully happy every single day, but the overall emotional vibe of your relationship really does set the stage for intimate connection.
Why This Happens (And Why It Makes Perfect Sense)
A lot of couples worry that connecting sex to their relationship's emotional state means something's wrong with them or their sex life is somehow broken. But here's the thing—it's actually the opposite. This connection shows that you're both emotionally aware people who need to feel safe and connected before being vulnerable.
When you think about it, sex requires quite a bit of vulnerability. You're being completely open—physically and emotionally—with another person. So when there are unresolved tensions or you don't feel emotionally safe with your partner, it makes complete sense that your brain's protective instincts would kick in. You're not being difficult or withholding—you're just being human.
Sound Familiar?
You have an amazing day together, laugh over dinner, and suddenly you're both feeling that spark
After a big fight (even if you "made up"), physical intimacy feels forced or awkward
During really stressful weeks when you're both on edge, sex becomes the furthest thing from your minds
When you feel truly heard and understood by your partner, you naturally want to be closer in every way
This Pattern Is Actually Pretty Healthy
If you're reading this thinking "yep, that's totally us," here's something that might surprise you: having sex primarily when you're emotionally connected is actually a sign that you both value emotional intimacy as part of physical intimacy. It's not a flaw in your relationship—it's evidence of emotional intelligence.
That said, if this pattern is causing stress—like if one partner feels rejected or if conflicts are becoming more frequent—it might be worth exploring some ways to strengthen both your emotional and physical connection.
Simple Ways to Build Connection
Focus on Daily Emotional Check-ins
Ask each other "How are you feeling today?" instead of just "How was your day?"
Try the 6-second hug or kiss—long enough to actually connect, not just a quick peck
Share things you appreciate about each other regularly, not just during perfect moments
Handle Conflict Better
Don't let little annoyances pile up—they're total intimacy killers
When you do argue, stick to the actual issue instead of attacking each other's character
Try repair attempts during or after disagreements ("I hate when we fight" or "Can we pause and try this again?")
Create Easy Physical Connection
Hold hands while binge-watching your favorite show
Give each other quick shoulder rubs while making coffee
Cuddle without any pressure for it to lead somewhere else
When It Might Help to Talk to Someone
Sometimes couples get stuck in cycles where emotional disconnection and sexual distance just keep feeding into each other. It can be really frustrating when you both want to reconnect but can't seem to figure out how to break the pattern.
You might want to consider professional support if:
You rarely feel emotionally close anymore
Arguments are happening more often or getting more intense
One of you feels rejected while the other feels pressured
You both want things to be different but keep having the same conversations
Sex therapy and couples counseling can be total game-changers for situations like this. And here's something people don't always realize—these aren't just for couples in crisis. They're for couples who want to understand their patterns better and build stronger communication skills.
Sex therapy specifically helps couples:
Understand their unique intimacy patterns without any judgment
Develop better ways to talk about desires and needs
Work through any sexual concerns in a completely safe space
Create realistic strategies for staying connected during stressful times
Rebuild intimacy at whatever pace feels right for both people
Ready to strengthen your connection? At Sagebrush Counseling, our therapists totally get that emotional and physical intimacy are beautifully connected. We create a safe, judgment-free space where couples can explore their relationship patterns and build stronger connections. Reach out to us to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward the close, fulfilling relationship you both want.
Your Questions Answered
Q: Is it normal to only want sex when we're getting along emotionally?
A: Totally normal! This is actually really common and healthy. It shows that you value feeling emotionally safe and connected as part of physical intimacy. Lots of couples find that their sexual connection flows naturally from their emotional connection, and that's not something to fix—it's just how you're wired as a couple.
Q: My partner can have sex even when we've been fighting, but I can't. Is something wrong with me?
A: Nothing's wrong with you at all. People just process emotions and connect physically in different ways. Some folks find that physical intimacy actually helps them reconnect after conflict, while others need to feel emotionally settled first. Neither way is right or wrong—they're just different. The important thing is understanding and respecting each other's styles and finding middle ground that works for both of you.
Q: We're stuck where we don't connect emotionally because we're not connecting physically, and we're not connecting physically because we're not connecting emotionally. How do we get out of this?
A: This cycle is super common and can feel really frustrating. Try starting small with emotional connection—daily check-ins, saying things you appreciate about each other, or just spending time together without any pressure for physical stuff. As emotional safety builds up, physical connection often follows more naturally. If you're having trouble breaking the cycle on your own, couples therapy can give you specific strategies and provide a neutral space to work through these patterns.
Q: How can we stay connected during really stressful times?
A: During stressful periods, it helps to lower your expectations but not abandon connection completely. Focus on tiny moments of emotional and physical connection—a longer hug, holding hands, or even just really looking at each other when you're talking. Remember that intimacy doesn't always equal sex. Sometimes just feeling emotionally supported and physically comforted by your partner can keep you connected until things calm down.
Q: When should we think about sex therapy?
A: Consider sex therapy if your intimacy patterns are causing stress in your relationship, if you keep having the same conversations about sex without getting anywhere, or if you want to strengthen your connection but aren't sure how. Sex therapy isn't just for big problems—it's also for couples who want to make their already good relationship even better or prevent issues before they start.
References
Schoenfeld, E. A., Loving, T. J., Pope, M. T., Huston, T. L., & Štulhofer, A. (2017). Does couples' sexual communication mediate the association between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction? Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2331-2344. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6699928/
van Lankveld, J. J., Jacobs, N., Thewissen, V., Dewitte, M., & Verboon, P. (2018). The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 557-576. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5987853/
Cleveland Clinic. (2022). Sex Therapist: What They Do and When To See One. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24524-sex-therapist
