Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding Two Powerful Emotions
From the team at Sagebrush Counseling
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve messed up and couldn’t stop replaying it in your head… or if you’ve ever found yourself spiraling into “What’s wrong with me?” At Sagebrush Counseling, one of the most common conversations we have with clients is helping them understand the difference between shame vs guilt. They’re emotions we all feel, and they can feel really similar on the surface. But what’s going on underneath is actually very different—and knowing the difference can change how you treat yourself, how you heal, and how you show up in relationships.
The Big Difference: “I Did Something Bad” vs. “I Am Bad”
The simplest way to tell shame and guilt apart is to ask:
Guilt says: I did something wrong.
Shame says: There’s something wrong with me.
That may sound like a small shift in language, but it’s a big shift in your internal world. Guilt is usually tied to a specific action—something you did or said that’s out of alignment with your values. Shame, on the other hand, goes deeper. It attacks who you are. It says, “You’re flawed, broken, unlovable.”
When Guilt Is Actually Helpful
Guilt doesn’t always feel good, but it’s not always a bad thing. In fact, healthy guilt can help you stay in integrity with yourself and others. The emotion nudges you to make things right when you’ve hurt someone or crossed a line.
Guilt can be helpful when it helps you:
Recognize your impact
Apologize or repair harm
Reflect on your choices
Learn from mistakes without spiraling
For example, if you snapped at your partner during a stressful day, guilt might motivate you to say, “Hey, I didn’t handle that well. I’m sorry.” You grow. The relationship repairs. The feeling fades.
That’s how guilt is supposed to work—it teaches, then releases.
Why Shame Feels So Heavy (and So Hard to Shake)
Shame, on the other hand, tends to dig in and stick around. Instead of pointing to a behavior, it latches onto your identity.
Shame doesn’t say, “I messed up.” It says, “I am a mess.”
And when you’re stuck in shame, it’s easy to:
Isolate and shut down
Be endlessly self-critical
Feel undeserving of love or connection
Avoid vulnerability at all costs
Fall into anxiety, depression, or perfectionism
Worse, shame doesn’t actually help us change. It just makes us feel stuck, unworthy, and alone.
Why We Even Have These Emotions
Believe it or not, guilt and shame actually evolved to help humans survive in groups. Our ancestors lived in close-knit communities where cooperation was essential. Emotions like guilt helped people stay accountable and repair relationships. Shame helped people stay in line with social norms and avoid rejection or punishment.
Let’s break it down a little further:
Guilt = Social Glue
It helped people stay trustworthy, fix what they broke, and avoid being cast out. Feeling guilt was a sign that someone cared about the impact of their actions.
Shame = Submission Signal
When someone broke a rule or lost status, shame’s physical response—lowered gaze, hunched posture, silence—signaled remorse. It was a survival strategy to say, “Please don’t push me out. I know I messed up.”
Back then, these emotional instincts helped keep us safe. But…
The Problem? Our Brains Haven’t Caught Up
Today, we’re not living in small tribes—we’re living in a world of comparison culture, unrealistic expectations, and 24/7 feedback from social media, work, and relationships.
Shame gets triggered not just by actual harm we’ve caused—but by:
Seeing someone else succeed and thinking we’re not enough
Internalized messages from childhood or trauma
Feeling like we’re not attractive, successful, or “together” enough
Unfair or abusive experiences that told us we were bad or broken
Shame shows up where it doesn’t belong. And it overstays its welcome.
How to Tell What You're Feeling
Start by asking yourself a few honest questions in the moment:
Could this be guilt?
Can I name the specific action I regret?
Do I feel like I can make things right?
Am I focused on a mistake—not my whole identity?
Does this emotion help me move forward?
Could this be shame?
Am I telling myself that I am bad or unworthy?
Do I want to hide or disappear?
Is this feeling more global than specific?
Does it feel overwhelming or permanent?
Just putting words to what you’re feeling can create some breathing room.
So What Do I Do With Shame?
If you’re feeling shame, try this:
Name it.
Just saying “I’m feeling shame right now” interrupts the spiral.Shift the narrative.
Ask: What would I say to a friend feeling this way? Could you offer yourself that same compassion?Focus on what you did—not who you are.
Even if you made a mistake, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. Guilt can help you grow. Shame tells you to give up. Choose growth.Connect instead of isolate.
Shame thrives in silence. Sharing how you feel with someone safe—your partner, a therapist, a close friend—can start to loosen its grip.
So What Do I Do With Guilt?
Guilt is one of those emotions that can sit heavy on your chest. But here’s the thing—guilt, unlike shame, actually has the potential to help you grow. It shows up because you care. It means your values are intact. You’re noticing when something felt off—and that’s a good sign.
Here’s how to work with guilt in a way that’s healthy, not harmful:
1. Get Specific First, ask yourself: What exactly am I feeling guilty about?
Is it something you said? Something you didn’t say? An action (or inaction) that doesn’t sit right with you? The more you can name it, the easier it is to address. Vague guilt tends to fester. Specific guilt gives you something to work with.
2. Acknowledge the Impact—Without Beating Yourself Up Guilt isn’t about dragging yourself through the mud. It’s about taking ownership. You can say, “Yeah, that wasn’t my best moment,” without spiraling into “I’m a terrible person.” That distinction matters.
3. Make It Right (If You Can) Is there something you can do to make amends? Maybe it’s a genuine apology.
4. Learn From It—Then Let It Go Once you’ve owned it and done what you can to repair, permit yourself to move forward. Guilt is meant to guide you, not punish you forever.
5. Watch for the Shame Creep
Guilt says, “That thing I did wasn’t okay.”
Shame whispers, “That’s because I’m not okay.”
Notice if the guilt starts sliding into shame. That’s your cue to take a step back and show yourself some compassion.
6. Talk to Someone You Trust
Sometimes just saying out loud, “I feel really bad about this,” can be enough to get some clarity. Whether it’s with your partner, a friend, or a therapist, guilt shrinks when it’s not carried alone.
When It’s Time to Get Support
Shame doesn’t always go away on its own—especially if it’s been with you a long time. Therapy can help if you:
Can’t seem to shake chronic shame, even after personal growth work
Avoid intimacy, vulnerability, or relationships due to feeling unworthy
Struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, or depression tied to self-worth
Are stuck in behaviors (like people-pleasing, overworking, or self-sabotage) that cover deeper shame
At Sagebrush Counseling, we gently help clients untangle shame from identity and reconnect with their inherent worth. You don’t have to carry this alone.
You Don’t Have to Be “Fixed”—You Just Need to Be Met with Compassion
Here’s the truth most of us didn’t grow up hearing: Feeling guilt doesn’t make you bad. Feeling shame doesn’t mean it’s true. These emotions are part of being human—but they don’t have to define your story.
With awareness, compassion, and the right support, you can learn to respond differently. To soften. To forgive. To move forward.
Reach out to Sagebrush Counseling to connect with a therapist who gets it—and who will never ask you to be perfect to be loved.
