Swinging in Relationships: What Couples Should Know
At Sagebrush Counseling, I often meet with couples who are curious about—or already exploring—the swinging lifestyle. While swinging is sometimes used as a broad term for non-monogamous activities, most couples use it to describe the exchange of sexual partners as a social or recreational activity.
Many couples who swing describe themselves as “ordinary” in every other sense. They’re often happy in their relationships, but they view sex as something that can be both an expression of love and a form of recreation. For them, swinging isn’t about replacing their primary partnership—it’s about adding variety, novelty, or excitement. When it works, these couples often report that they still feel connected, intimate, and committed to one another.
Understanding the Language of Swinging
Communication is one of the cornerstones of navigating non-monogamy. Couples often set “soft rules” (flexible agreements) and “hard rules” (non-negotiables) to create a sense of safety and clarity.
For example:
Some couples agree to only engage in same-room sex, which allows them to feel connected and maintain transparency.
Others may allow “full swaps,” where partners pair off separately, but only under agreed conditions.
Some choose to explore threesomes or group encounters, while still holding boundaries around contact outside those moments.
These rules aren’t just about logistics—they’re about trust, safety, and emotional security.
Why Do Couples Swing?
The reasons vary widely. Some of the most common include:
Spicing things up: Adding novelty to their sex life.
Acting out fantasies: Exploring desires that don’t fit neatly within the primary relationship.
Shared secrets: Feeling closer through a sense of adventure and confidentiality.
Mismatched libidos: Seeking balance in situations where one partner’s desire is higher or lower.
Avoiding betrayal: Viewing swinging as a structured, consensual alternative to cheating.
That said, motivations aren’t always straightforward. Sometimes swinging can serve as a way to avoid addressing deeper challenges in the relationship. Other times, it may stem from early coping mechanisms or attachment dynamics—such as seeking validation, avoiding closeness, or using novelty to regulate self-esteem.
When Rules Get Broken
Even couples who thrive in the lifestyle can run into difficulties. I’ve worked with partners who carefully established boundaries—yet still found themselves hurt when those rules were bent or broken.
For example, one partner may “agree in the moment” to something they aren’t truly comfortable with. Later, their emotional response overrides their intellectual decision, leaving them feeling betrayed or resentful. These moments can unravel trust and highlight the reality that no amount of planning can fully account for the complexity of human emotions.
When Swinging Strains the Relationship
While some couples report swinging strengthens their bond, for others it magnifies underlying challenges:
Jealousy: Even when rules are followed, comparison and insecurity can surface.
Attachment issues: Partners with avoidant or anxious attachment styles may be more vulnerable to negative outcomes.
Distraction from problems: Swinging can temporarily mask deeper relationship struggles without resolving them.
Secrecy and stigma: Many couples hide their choices from friends or family, which can create isolation.
Biologically, sex also triggers bonding hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin, which can intensify attachment—even with someone outside the primary relationship. These natural processes can make swinging more emotionally complex than expected.
What to Ask Yourself Before Swinging
If you and your partner are considering this path, it may help to pause and reflect on questions such as:
What is motivating this desire—novelty, connection, avoidance, validation?
Are there unmet needs in your relationship that could be addressed directly with your partner instead?
Do you feel comfortable and safe sharing your partner with others?
Are you agreeing because you genuinely want this, or because you fear losing your partner?
Can you communicate openly enough to navigate the intense emotions that might come up?
How Counseling Can Help
At Sagebrush Counseling, I provide a confidential, non-judgmental space for couples to explore questions like these. Whether you’re curious about swinging, actively engaged in it, or considering stepping away from the lifestyle, therapy can help you:
Clarify your motivations and boundaries.
Strengthen communication skills.
Rebuild trust after a rupture.
Explore unmet needs and deepen intimacy with your partner.
Swinging can bring couples closer—or it can create new fractures. What makes the difference is often not the lifestyle itself, but the strength of communication, trust, and emotional connection within the relationship.
If you and your partner are navigating questions about intimacy, boundaries, or non-monogamy, I’d be honored to help.
