Why Adults Dismiss Their Feelings First

"I'm probably just overreacting." "It's not that big of a deal." "I shouldn't feel this way." Sound familiar?

Picture this: You've just had a frustrating conversation with your boss that left you feeling unheard and undervalued. But instead of sitting with that feeling, you immediately tell yourself, "Well, at least I have a job" or "I'm being too sensitive." You've essentially talked yourself out of your own emotional experience before anyone else even had the chance to.

If this resonates with you, you're not alone. In my practice, I see this pattern constantly—adults who have become so skilled at invalidating their own feelings that they beat everyone else to the punch. It's like having an internal critic who works overtime to ensure no one else can dismiss you because you've already done it to yourself.

But here's what's fascinating from a therapeutic perspective: this isn't actually protection. It's a form of emotional self-harm that we've been conditioned to see as maturity or resilience.

What is Behind the Pattern

When I sit with someone who consistently dismisses their feelings, I often see a person who learned early that their emotional responses weren't welcome, safe, or valuable. Maybe they grew up in a household where emotions were seen as inconvenient. Perhaps they learned that expressing hurt or anger led to more hurt, so it became safer to minimize those feelings preemptively.

Think about the child who comes home excited about a school project, only to be told, "That's nice, honey, but I'm busy right now." Over time, that child learns to dampen their enthusiasm before sharing it. They develop an internal voice that says, "This probably isn't important enough to mention."

This early conditioning creates what I call "preemptive emotional editing"—we learn to filter our feelings through a lens of anticipated rejection or dismissal. The problem is, this pattern doesn't stay in childhood. It follows us into our adult relationships, our careers, and most devastatingly, into our relationship with ourselves.

How Self-Dismissal Shows Up in Daily Life

The ways we dismiss our own feelings are often so automatic we don't even notice them. Here are some patterns I see repeatedly:

The Comparison Trap: "I can't complain about my job stress when people are dealing with real problems like cancer or poverty." This assumes that feelings exist on some kind of hierarchy where only the "worst" circumstances deserve emotional acknowledgment.

The Logic Override: "I know logically that I shouldn't feel hurt by what my friend said because they didn't mean it that way." As if understanding someone's intentions should automatically erase the impact of their words.

The Time Limit: "I've been sad about this relationship ending for two weeks now. I should be over it." This treats emotions like they should follow some predetermined schedule rather than their own natural timeline.

The Productivity Guilt: "I feel anxious, but I don't have time to deal with this right now." This relegates emotional processing to something that happens only when convenient, which is almost never.

The Positive Reframe Reflex: "At least I'm healthy" or "Things could be worse." While gratitude has its place, using it to bypass genuine feelings is like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs proper cleaning.

Emotional Self-Dismissal

What many people don't realize is that dismissing your feelings doesn't make them go away—it just sends them underground. Emotions are information. When we consistently ignore that information, we lose touch with our internal compass.

I've worked with individuals who became so good at dismissing their feelings that they genuinely couldn't tell you what they wanted for dinner, let alone what they wanted from their career or relationships. They'd developed such a habit of overriding their internal signals that they'd essentially become emotionally colorblind.

The irony is that people often develop this pattern as a way to be more likeable or less burdensome to others. But here's what I've observed: people who consistently dismiss their own feelings often struggle with authentic connection. How can others truly know you if you don't allow yourself to know you?

The "Good Adult" Myth

Our culture has sold us this idea that emotional maturity means needing less, feeling less, being bothered by less. We've confused emotional regulation with emotional suppression. True emotional maturity isn't about having fewer feelings—it's about having a more sophisticated relationship with the feelings you do have.

I often tell people in my office: "Your feelings aren't a jury that needs to reach a unanimous verdict before you're allowed to have them." You don't need to prove that your emotions are justified, logical, or proportionate. They're yours, and their existence is reason enough to acknowledge them.

The Self-Dismissal vs. Self-Awareness Distinction

Now, I want to be clear about something important: I'm not suggesting we should indulge every emotional impulse or that all feelings should dictate our actions. There's a crucial difference between dismissing your feelings and having perspective about them.

Dismissal sounds like: "I'm being ridiculous for feeling hurt by this."

Perspective sounds like: "I notice I'm feeling hurt by this. I can sit with this feeling and also recognize that my friend probably didn't intend to hurt me. Both things can be true."

The latter acknowledges the feeling while also maintaining the capacity for nuance and context. It's like the difference between telling someone to shut up and asking them to share what they're experiencing so you can understand it better.

Where This Pattern Really Comes From

In my experience, people who dismiss their feelings often come from one of several backgrounds:

The "Buck Up" Household: Families where emotional expression was seen as weakness or self-indulgence. "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" was a common refrain.

The Crisis Family: Households dealing with addiction, mental illness, or other ongoing crises where there wasn't emotional bandwidth for "smaller" feelings. The child learns that their emotions are a luxury the family can't afford.

The Achievement-Oriented Family: Families where worth was tied to accomplishment and emotions were seen as distractions from success. "You can cry after you finish your homework."

The Conflict-Avoidant Family: Households where peace was maintained by minimizing any emotional expression that might rock the boat. "Let's not make a big deal out of this."

None of this is about blame—these patterns often develop in families doing their best with their own limitations. But understanding the origin can help us recognize that our adult relationship with feelings might need some intentional updating.

The Physiological Reality of Dismissed Feelings

Here's something that might surprise you: your body doesn't distinguish between feelings you acknowledge and feelings you dismiss. From a nervous system perspective, the activation is the same. When you tell yourself you "shouldn't" feel anxious about an upcoming presentation, your heart rate doesn't magically slow down because you've intellectually decided the feeling is unreasonable.

What happens instead is that you create internal conflict. Part of you is experiencing the anxiety while another part is fighting against it. This internal battle is often more exhausting than the original feeling would have been if you'd simply acknowledged it.

What Honoring Your Feelings Actually Looks Like

Contrary to what you might fear, honoring your feelings doesn't mean becoming an emotional storm cloud or losing all perspective. It's actually much more subtle and, frankly, much more practical.

It might look like saying to yourself: "I notice I'm feeling frustrated after that meeting. That's information worth paying attention to. What is this frustration telling me about what I need or value?"

Or: "I'm feeling sad about my friend moving away. This sadness makes sense—it means this friendship matters to me. I can feel sad about the change while also being happy for their new opportunity."

The goal isn't to justify every feeling or act on every emotion. It's to develop what I call "emotional literacy"—the ability to recognize, name, and learn from your internal experience without immediately judging it as right or wrong.

Practical Steps to Stop Dismissing Yourself

Start with Simple Observation: Instead of immediately analyzing or fixing your feelings, try just noticing them. "I'm feeling anxious right now" without the immediate follow-up of "but I shouldn't be."

Practice the "And" Statement: Instead of "I'm sad, but I should be grateful," try "I'm sad, and I'm also grateful." This allows both experiences to coexist rather than having one cancel out the other.

Ask Better Questions: Instead of "Why am I being so sensitive?" try "What is this sensitivity telling me about what I need right now?"

Create Feeling Check-ins: Set a gentle alarm for a few times during the day and simply ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" without needing to do anything about it.

Challenge the "Should" Statements: When you catch yourself saying you "should" or "shouldn't" feel something, ask yourself: "According to who? Where did I learn this rule?"

The Ripple Effect of Self-Validation

When you start honoring your own feelings, something interesting happens: you become better at honoring others' feelings too. You develop what psychologists call "emotional granularity"—the ability to distinguish between different emotional states rather than lumping everything into "good" or "bad."

This shows up in your relationships as increased empathy and decreased judgment. When you stop dismissing your own feelings as "too much" or "irrational," you're less likely to dismiss others' feelings the same way.

Why This Work Matters Beyond Just "Feeling Better"

In my practice, I've noticed that people who learn to honor their feelings make better decisions. This makes sense when you think about it: emotions are often our first signal that something needs attention. When we dismiss that signal, we miss crucial information about our needs, boundaries, and values.

Someone who learns to pay attention to their feeling of dread every Sunday night might recognize they need to address something about their work situation. Someone who notices their irritation in a particular relationship might realize they need to have a conversation about boundaries.

Feelings aren't just psychological experiences—they're a guidance system. When we consistently dismiss them, we're essentially flying blind.

Moving Forward: A Different Relationship with Your Inner Experience

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, please know that change is absolutely possible. The neural pathways that created these habits can be reshaped with intention and practice. It's not about becoming more emotional or less rational—it's about developing emotional intelligence.

Start small. The next time you catch yourself dismissing a feeling, pause and ask: "What if this feeling has something important to tell me?" You don't have to agree with it or act on it, but you can listen to it.

Remember, the goal isn't to never have unwanted feelings. It's to develop a relationship with your emotions that's based on curiosity rather than judgment, understanding rather than dismissal.

Your feelings aren't inconveniences to be managed—they're part of your human experience. They deserve the same respect and attention you'd give a friend who was sharing something important with you.

After all, they're coming from the most important person in your life: you.

Ready to Stop Dismissing Yourself?

If you find yourself constantly minimizing your own emotional experience, you don't have to navigate this alone. At Sagebrush Counseling, we understand that learning to honor your feelings is often the first step toward creating the life and relationships you actually want.

Our therapists specialize in helping adults develop a healthier relationship with their emotions—one based on curiosity rather than criticism. We'll work together to understand where these patterns of self-dismissal came from and develop practical tools for responding to your feelings with compassion rather than judgment.

Your feelings matter. Your experience matters. You matter.

Ready to start treating yourself with the same kindness you'd show a good friend? Contact Sagebrush Counseling today to schedule a consultation. Let's explore what it might look like to become your own emotional ally rather than your own worst critic.

Because the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life.