Individual Therapy Worksheet
Personal Boundaries
A personal worksheet for understanding what boundaries actually are, where yours are unclear or missing, why holding them is hard, and how to communicate them in your relationships.
Before you begin
What boundaries actually are
Boundaries have become a heavily used word, sometimes in ways that obscure more than they clarify. A boundary is not a wall, a punishment, or a list of things you will not tolerate. It is a clear understanding of what is okay and what is not okay for you in a relationship, what you will accept, what you will not, and what you will do when a limit is crossed. The hard part is not knowing what they are in principle. It is knowing what yours specifically are and being able to hold them.
Boundaries are about you, not about controlling others. You cannot set a boundary that requires another person to change their behaviour. What you can do is be clear about what you will and will not participate in and follow through on that. The boundary is your action, not their behaviour.
Most people who struggle with boundaries struggle with one of three things: they do not know what their limits are, they know but cannot say them out loud, or they can say them but do not follow through. This worksheet works through all three.
Part One
Where your limits tend to be unclear or missing
Limit difficulties are usually specific to certain areas of life or certain relationships. Understanding where yours are weakest gives you somewhere to start.
Saying no when I do not want to do something
My time and how it gets used
Taking on other people's problems as my own
Letting people speak to me in ways that feel wrong
Physical boundaries and personal space
Digital and communication limits
Emotional limits with certain people
Work spilling into personal life
Financial limits
Privacy and personal information
Sexual limits
What I will and will not discuss with certain people
Many people notice resentment, a sinking feeling, exhaustion, or a sense of having betrayed themselves. These signals are information.
Part Two
Why holding limits is hard
Most people know, intellectually, that they should hold firmer limits. What stops them is rarely ignorance. Understanding the specific reasons limits feel hard to hold for you is more useful than general encouragement to do better.
Fear of the other person's anger or disappointment
Fear of being seen as selfish or difficult
Fear of losing the relationship
Believing my needs matter less than others'
Not knowing what my limits are until they are crossed
Feeling responsible for other people's feelings
A sense that saying no means I do not care
Guilt when I prioritise myself
A belief that I do not have the right to limits
Early experience where limits were not respected or allowed
Part Three
Getting clear on what your limits actually are
A well-named limit has three parts: what is not okay for you, what you need instead, and what you will do if the limit is not respected. The third part is what most people leave out. Without it the limit has no substance.
Your most important limit
A second limit
Part Four
How to communicate a limit
Communicating a limit clearly and calmly is a skill. Most people either say nothing until they explode, or over-explain in ways that invite negotiation. A limit is stated once, clearly, without a lengthy justification. State what is not okay, state what you need, state what you will do. Then stop and let the other person respond.
A limit stated clearly sounds like this: "When X happens, I feel Y, and what I need is Z. If X continues, I will do A." Not angry, not apologetic, not over-explained. Clear and direct.
Keep it simple:
"When _____ happens, I feel _____. What I need is _____. If it continues, I will _____."
Sagebrush Counseling offers individual and couples therapy across Texas, New Hampshire, Maine, and Montana.
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