How to Fix a Broken Marriage Without Counseling
How to Fix a Broken Marriage Without Counseling
If you're searching for how to fix a broken marriage without counseling, you're probably hoping there's a way to repair things on your own, without the cost, time, or vulnerability that therapy involves. That makes sense. Not every couple needs therapy, and many relationship problems can be addressed through sustained effort and better communication. This post offers practical steps you can take without professional support, but it also addresses honestly what "fixing" a marriage means and when the DIY approach stops being enough.
When you're ready for support. Some relationship problems can be worked through on your own. Others benefit from professional guidance. Couples therapy at Sagebrush. Telehealth throughout Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →What Does It Mean to "Fix" a Marriage?
Before talking about how to fix a broken marriage, it's worth clarifying what that means. Many people approach the idea of fixing their marriage as though the goal is to return to the way things used to be, back when the relationship was easier or felt better. That's rarely possible, and it's usually not the right goal.
Relationships change over time. The version of your marriage that existed five or ten years ago was shaped by circumstances, developmental stages, and dynamics that no longer exist. Trying to recreate that version is often a way of avoiding the harder work of building something that fits who both of you are now.
Fixing a marriage is better understood as addressing the patterns that are causing harm, rebuilding trust or connection where it's been eroded, and creating a relationship structure that works for both people moving forward. That's not the same as going back. It's building something new with the same person.
What You Can Do on Your Own
There are meaningful steps you can take to improve your marriage without involving a therapist. These aren't quick fixes, and they require sustained effort from both partners, but they can create real change when both people are engaged.
Stop the destructive patterns you can control
Research by Gottman and Levenson (2000) on marital stability found that certain communication patterns, particularly criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, are strong predictors of relationship breakdown. If you recognize yourself engaging in any of these behaviors, stopping them is one of the most important things you can do.
This doesn't mean avoiding conflict. It means changing how you engage in conflict. Instead of criticizing your partner's character, talk about the specific behavior that's bothering you. Instead of shutting down or walking away, say that you need a break and commit to coming back to the conversation. Instead of responding to complaints with defensiveness, try to understand what your partner is asking for, even if you don't agree with how they're saying it.
You can't control your partner's behavior, but you can control your own. And sometimes changing your own patterns is enough to shift the dynamic in a way that allows your partner to respond differently too.
Create space for repair conversations
Most couples get stuck in a cycle where the same conflicts recur without resolution. One way to interrupt that cycle is to set aside dedicated time for repair conversations. This means choosing a time when both of you are calm and not in the middle of an argument, and using that time to talk about what's not working and what each of you needs.
The structure of these conversations matters. Start by each person stating what they're experiencing without blaming the other. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Listen without interrupting. Reflect back what you heard to make sure you understood. Then work together to identify one small thing that could shift in a way that would feel better for both of you.
These conversations are difficult, and they often don't go smoothly at first. But practicing them regularly can help both of you get better at talking about hard things without escalating into a fight.
Rebuild small moments of connection
When a marriage feels broken, it's often because the small, positive interactions that used to sustain the relationship have faded. Research by Gottman (1999) found that stable relationships maintain a ratio of approximately five positive interactions for every negative one. When that ratio falls, even small conflicts feel disproportionately damaging.
Rebuilding connection doesn't require grand gestures. It means reintroducing the small things that signal care and attention. Ask about your partner's day and listen to the answer. Thank them for things they do, even routine things. Make time to be together without distractions. Touch each other in non-sexual ways. These interactions won't fix deep issues on their own, but they create a foundation that makes the harder work more possible.
Address what you can name
Sometimes what's damaging a marriage is something both partners can identify and articulate. If the issue is that you're fighting about money, or that one person feels they're doing more of the household labor, or that intimacy has disappeared, those are problems that can be addressed directly once they're named.
Sit down together and each write out what you think the main issues are. Then compare notes. You may not agree on everything, but identifying what each of you sees as the problem is a starting point. From there, you can work on solutions together. This works when both partners are willing to engage, when the issues are relatively concrete, and when there's enough goodwill left in the relationship to have the conversation without it devolving into blame.
You can't fix a marriage on your own. Both partners have to be willing to do the work. If only one person is trying, what you have is not a fixable problem but a decision problem.
When the work feels too hard to do alone, couples therapy can help. Telehealth in Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →When DIY Approaches Stop Being Enough
There are situations where trying to fix a marriage without professional support is not only insufficient but can make things worse. Understanding when that line has been crossed is important, both for the relationship and for your own wellbeing.
- Trust has been broken. If there's been infidelity, a significant lie, or another breach of trust, repairing that on your own is very difficult. Trust repair requires a structured process, and without support, couples often get stuck in cycles of blame and defensiveness that make things worse rather than better.
- The same fights keep recurring without resolution. If you've tried to address the same issues repeatedly and nothing changes, that's a sign that something deeper is at play that you're not able to see or address on your own.
- Communication has broken down completely. If you can't talk about difficult things without escalating into a fight, shutting down, or walking away, you need help building the communication skills that make repair possible.
- One or both of you is considering leaving. If the relationship feels like it's hanging by a thread, waiting to see if it gets better on its own is not a strategy. This is when professional support is most urgent.
- There are patterns you can see but can't change. Sometimes couples know exactly what's going wrong but can't seem to interrupt the pattern. A therapist can help identify what's driving the pattern and how to change it.
- Only one person is doing the work. If you're the only one trying to fix things and your partner is disengaged, therapy can help determine whether your partner is willing to invest in the relationship or whether you're trying to save something your partner has already decided to leave.
If any of these situations describe your marriage, you can read more about when therapy becomes necessary in our post on 10 signs it's time for couples therapy.
What Makes Professional Support Different
The reason some relationship problems can't be fixed without professional help is not that couples lack the motivation or love to do the work. It's that they lack the perspective and tools to see what's driving the difficulty and how to change it.
A therapist offers several things that are hard to access on your own. First, they provide an outside perspective. When you're in the middle of a difficult dynamic, it's hard to see it clearly. A therapist can identify patterns, point out what's happening between you, and help you understand what's driving the conflict in ways that aren't obvious when you're stuck in it.
Second, therapists provide structure. Difficult conversations often escalate because there's no framework for keeping them productive. A therapist creates that framework, which helps both partners feel safer engaging in the hard work of repair.
Third, therapists help with the things that are hardest to do alone, like rebuilding trust after betrayal, navigating decisions about whether to stay or leave, or addressing deeply entrenched patterns that have been in place for years. These processes require more than goodwill. They require specific interventions that most people don't know how to implement without guidance.
If you're considering therapy and want to know what to look for, our guide on how to find a couples therapist covers the questions to ask and how to assess whether a therapist is the right fit.
The Limits of Fixing
It's also worth saying plainly that not every marriage can or should be fixed. Sometimes the healthiest outcome is separation. This is particularly true if there's ongoing abuse, if one partner is fundamentally unwilling to engage in the relationship, or if core incompatibilities have become clear over time.
Trying to fix a marriage that has run its course often prolongs suffering for both people. If you're experiencing signs that trust is fundamentally compromised and can't be repaired, or if you're staying primarily out of fear or obligation rather than genuine desire to make the relationship work, those are worth examining honestly. Our post on 5 signs of trust issues in a relationship can help you assess whether trust issues are at the root of what's broken.
Therapy can help couples navigate the decision of whether to stay or leave with more clarity. Sometimes the outcome of therapy is that both partners realize the relationship isn't sustainable, and the work becomes about separating with less damage. That's a valid and sometimes necessary outcome.
An Honest Assessment
If you're trying to fix your marriage without counseling, here are some questions worth asking yourself honestly:
Are both of you genuinely committed to making things better, or is one person doing all the work? If only one person is engaged, the strategies in this post won't be enough.
Are the issues you're facing concrete and nameable, or do they feel vague and pervasive? Concrete issues are more workable without support. Vague, systemic issues usually require outside perspective to untangle.
Have you tried these approaches before and seen meaningful change, or do things keep reverting to the same patterns? If nothing has shifted despite sustained effort, professional support is likely needed.
Is the relationship safe? If there's abuse, manipulation, or coercion, the strategies in this post are not appropriate, and safety needs to be the priority.
Can you have difficult conversations without them escalating into destructive fights? If not, you need help building the communication foundation that makes repair possible.
These questions aren't meant to discourage you from trying. They're meant to help you assess what's possible on your own and when getting help becomes necessary.
Getting Started at Sagebrush
If you've tried to work through things on your own and it's not getting you where you need to be, or if you've recognized that the issues in your marriage are beyond what you can address without help, we'd be glad to connect. Couples therapy at Sagebrush focuses on understanding what's driving the difficulty and building the skills and clarity you need to move forward, whether that's repair or separation.
All sessions are via telehealth, so there's no commute and no waiting room. You join from wherever is most private and comfortable. To understand more about the online format, you can read about how online therapy works at Sagebrush.
We serve couples throughout the state of Maine (including Brunswick and beyond), the whole of Montana, and anywhere in Texas, including Austin, Houston, Dallas, and Midland.
All sessions via telehealth. Join from anywhere in your state.
Couples Therapy at Sagebrush
When fixing your marriage on your own isn't working, professional support can help. Couples therapy to rebuild connection, trust, and clarity. Join from anywhere in Maine, Montana, or Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary ConsultationSome relationship problems can be worked through on your own with sustained effort and commitment from both partners. Others require professional support to address effectively. Knowing which is which can save you years of trying strategies that were never going to be sufficient for what you're facing.
— Sagebrush Counseling
1. Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. View article
2. Gottman, J.M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton.
3. Snyder, D.K., Castellani, A.M., & Whisman, M.A. (2006). Current status and future directions in couple therapy. Annual Review of Psychology, 57, 317–344. View on PubMed
This post is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional couples therapy or mental health care. If you are experiencing abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
