Is the First Year of Marriage the Hardest?
Is the First Year of Marriage the Hardest?
If you've heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest, you're not alone. This is one of the most commonly repeated pieces of folk wisdom about marriage, and like most folk wisdom, it contains some truth but oversimplifies a more complex reality. Research shows that the first year of marriage does present distinct challenges, but whether it's the hardest year depends largely on what you're bringing into the marriage, how aligned you are on expectations, and how you navigate the transition from dating or living together to being married. This post explores what research says about the first year, why it can be difficult, and what makes some couples navigate it more easily than others.
Couples therapy at Sagebrush Counseling. The first year of marriage doesn't have to be overwhelming. We help couples navigate early marriage challenges and build a strong foundation. Telehealth throughout Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →What Research Says About the First Year
Research on marital satisfaction over time consistently shows that the first few years of marriage involve a period of adjustment, and for many couples, this adjustment is accompanied by a decline in relationship satisfaction compared to the early dating or honeymoon period.
A landmark study by Huston and colleagues (2001) following couples over the first 13 years of marriage found that the steepest decline in marital satisfaction occurred within the first two years. The researchers noted that this decline was not about discovering fundamental incompatibility but rather about the reality of daily life together replacing the idealization and novelty of the early relationship.
Research by Gottman and Levenson (2000) on the early years of marriage found that couples tend to experience increased conflict in the first year as they negotiate roles, responsibilities, and expectations that weren't fully addressed before marriage. The frequency of conflict often peaks in the first or second year and then stabilizes or declines as couples develop better communication patterns or simply accept certain differences.
What this research suggests is that the first year is a period of significant adjustment, and for many couples, that adjustment involves difficulty. But it doesn't mean the first year is universally the hardest, nor does it mean that difficulty in the first year predicts long-term problems.
When later years are harder
For some couples, later years are more difficult than the first. The transition to parenthood, which often occurs in the second through fifth year of marriage, is one of the most challenging transitions couples face and frequently causes more strain than the first year. Financial stress, career pressures, illness, or caring for aging parents can make later years harder than early ones. The first year is not universally the hardest. It's just the first major adjustment.
Why the First Year Can Be Hard
The first year of marriage involves adjustments that can feel jarring, even for couples who lived together before marriage or who dated for years. Understanding what makes it difficult can help you anticipate and navigate these challenges more effectively.
- The shift from idealization to reality. Early relationships are often characterized by seeing the best in your partner and minimizing their limitations. Marriage involves living with the full reality of who your partner is, including the habits, patterns, and limitations that weren't as visible before.
- Negotiating roles and responsibilities. Many couples don't explicitly discuss who will do what in the marriage until they're in it. The first year often involves realizing that assumptions about household labor, finances, and decision-making don't align, which creates friction.
- Integrating extended families. Marriage often means dealing with in-laws and extended family in ways that feel more permanent and consequential than they did while dating. Navigating boundaries, holidays, and differing family cultures can be a source of significant stress.
- Financial adjustments. Combining finances, managing debt, and making decisions about spending and saving together often surface disagreements that weren't addressed beforehand. Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in early marriage.
- Decreased novelty and romance. The intensity and novelty that characterize early relationships naturally fade over time. The first year often involves both partners noticing this shift and sometimes mistaking it for a problem rather than a normal transition.
- Unspoken expectations. Many people enter marriage with expectations about what it will be like that haven't been discussed. The first year often involves discovering that your partner had different expectations, which can feel like a betrayal even when no one did anything wrong.
These challenges are not signs that the marriage is failing. They're signs that you're in the adjustment period, and how you navigate them determines whether the first year feels overwhelmingly hard or manageable.
The first year of marriage isn't hard because marriage is inherently difficult. It's hard because you're building something new while dismantling old assumptions about what this relationship would be.
Navigating early marriage challenges? Couples therapy can help. Telehealth in Maine, Montana, and Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary Consult →What Makes the First Year Easier
While the first year of marriage involves adjustment for everyone, some couples navigate it with less difficulty than others. Research and clinical experience point to several factors that make the first year easier to manage.
Premarital preparation
Couples who engage in premarital counseling or who have substantive conversations about expectations, finances, roles, and family before marriage tend to experience fewer surprises in the first year. Research by Stanley and colleagues (2006) found that couples who participate in premarital education report higher marital satisfaction and lower conflict in the early years of marriage compared to couples who do not.
Premarital preparation doesn't eliminate challenges, but it reduces the number of unspoken assumptions that couples discover only after they're married. If you're not yet married and want to prepare well, our post on what is premarital counseling explains what the process involves and why it's valuable.
Realistic expectations
Couples who enter marriage with realistic expectations about what the first year will involve tend to experience less disappointment when challenges arise. This doesn't mean expecting things to be terrible. It means understanding that marriage involves work, that conflict is normal, and that the intensity of early romance will naturally shift over time.
Part of developing realistic expectations involves understanding how long you should be together before marriage. While there's no magic timeline, couples who have been together long enough to see each other in multiple contexts and navigate some difficulty together tend to be better prepared. Our post on how long should you date before marriage explores what readiness looks like beyond just timeline.
Strong communication skills
Couples who already have good communication skills when they get married find the first year less overwhelming because they're able to address issues as they arise rather than letting them build. Communication skills include being able to express needs clearly, listen without defensiveness, and repair after conflict.
If communication is an area where you're struggling, that's not unusual. Most couples need to work on communication, and the first year is a good time to invest in building those skills rather than assuming they'll develop on their own. Our post on 10 signs it's time for couples therapy can help you assess whether support would be useful.
Willingness to address problems early
Couples who address problems when they're still small rather than waiting until they become overwhelming tend to have an easier first year. This doesn't mean obsessing over every minor disagreement. It means not avoiding difficult conversations about things that matter.
When the First Year Signals Deeper Problems
While difficulty in the first year is common and doesn't necessarily predict long-term problems, there are some patterns that do warrant attention. These are not just normal adjustment challenges but signs that something more significant may need to be addressed.
Constant, unresolved conflict. If you're fighting frequently and never able to repair or resolve the issues, that's more than typical first-year adjustment. It suggests that communication patterns or underlying issues need professional attention.
One partner is consistently doing all the work. If one person is trying to fix every problem while the other is disengaged or resistant, that imbalance won't resolve on its own and will likely worsen over time.
Discovering major misalignments. If you're discovering in the first year that you have fundamentally different values, life goals, or expectations around things like children, finances, or fidelity, those are issues that require immediate attention.
Abuse or manipulation. If there's any pattern of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, or if one partner is using manipulation or control, that's not a first-year adjustment issue. It's a safety issue that requires professional intervention.
Complete loss of intimacy. While it's normal for the intensity of early romance to fade, a complete loss of emotional or physical intimacy in the first year is concerning and worth addressing.
If you're experiencing any of these patterns, waiting to see if they improve on their own is not advisable. These are situations where professional support can make a significant difference in outcomes.
How to Navigate the First Year Successfully
If you're in your first year of marriage and finding it harder than you expected, here are some things that can help you navigate it more successfully.
Talk about expectations explicitly
Many first-year conflicts arise from unspoken expectations. Make time to talk about what you each expect from the marriage, how you envision roles and responsibilities, and what you need from each other to feel satisfied and supported. These conversations won't eliminate all disagreements, but they reduce the number of surprises.
Establish routines and rituals
Creating shared routines and rituals helps build a sense of stability and connection. This might be as simple as having coffee together in the morning, taking a walk after dinner, or setting aside time each week to talk about how things are going. Small, consistent moments of connection matter more than grand gestures.
Address finances together
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in the first year. Sit down and create a system for managing finances that works for both of you. This might mean joint accounts, separate accounts, or a combination. What matters is that you're transparent about income, debt, spending, and goals, and that you're making decisions together.
Set boundaries with extended family
Part of the first year involves establishing yourselves as a unit separate from your families of origin. This doesn't mean cutting off family, but it does mean setting boundaries that work for your marriage. Talk together about what those boundaries should be and support each other in maintaining them.
Don't avoid conflict
Avoiding conflict to keep the peace often backfires. Unaddressed issues don't disappear. They accumulate. Learning to have difficult conversations without escalating or shutting down is one of the most valuable skills you can build in the first year.
Get help if you need it
There's no shame in seeking couples therapy in the first year of marriage. In fact, getting support early, before patterns become entrenched, is often more effective than waiting until things are in crisis. If you're curious about what couples therapy involves, our post on what to expect in couples therapy walks through the process from start to finish.
Getting Started at Sagebrush
If you're in your first year of marriage and finding it harder than you expected, or if you want support navigating the transition, couples therapy at Sagebrush can help. We work with newlywed couples to address early marriage challenges, strengthen communication, and build a foundation that will serve you for years to come.
All sessions are via telehealth, so there's no commute and no waiting room. You join from wherever is most private and comfortable. To understand more about the online format, you can read about how online therapy works at Sagebrush.
We serve couples throughout the state of Maine (including Brunswick and beyond), the whole of Montana, and anywhere in Texas, including Austin, Houston, Dallas, and Midland.
All sessions via telehealth. Join from anywhere in your state.
Couples Therapy at Sagebrush
Navigate early marriage challenges with support. Couples therapy for newlyweds to strengthen communication, address conflict, and build a lasting foundation. Join from anywhere in Maine, Montana, or Texas.
Schedule a Complimentary ConsultationThe first year of marriage involves adjustment, and for many couples, that adjustment is difficult. But difficulty doesn't mean failure. It means you're in the process of building something that requires effort, communication, and patience. With the right support and skills, the first year can be a foundation for a strong marriage rather than the hardest year you'll face.
— Sagebrush Counseling
1. Huston, T.L., Caughlin, J.P., Houts, R.M., Smith, S.E., & George, L.J. (2001). The connubial crucible: Newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress, and divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(2), 237–252. View on PubMed
2. Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
3. Stanley, S.M., Amato, P.R., Johnson, C.A., & Markman, H.J. (2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117–126. View on PubMed
This post is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional couples therapy or mental health care.
